Sharing some thoughts (a rant)

[Tryingtolive]

How can it be that I'm so destroyed mentally. Raised in a decent community. A decent family. To the outside world at least. There views of my family are great. But still there's something I hide that can potentionally destroy it all. A confusing father forsure. And mother who's been there for me. But still I question it all. Emotional abuse maybe, sexual abuse from a brother. Other than that I'd say everything was normal. A very quiet shy kid I was. And still am. Introverted to the core. Alone time is where I feel at ease. No one to impress. Great at athletics. An average student. Made tons of friends. But some how I wasn't happy. Exploration with drugs. Causing and potentionally harming my mental health.
I was young and very stupid. But aren't we all. I became distant and lost many great childhood friends. It began to surface something wasn't right about my childhood and that's when it clicked. Something was very wrong. No matter how hard I tried to play it off.
These events impacted me deeply. No one knows but me. I understand people change and also relationships. But the one with myself was like a ripple effect. Everyone around me began to not care. Neither did I. I lost hope quick failed at my sports. I once enjoyed. Activities and hobbies I no longer could focus at. Being around others just never felt normal anymore. I lost it completely. My only way of coping was through video games.
Totally forget about the outside world. Put myself somewhere where I was in control.
I'd say it helped me and still does. But I lost a lot. Haven't really gained much since then.
People putting them selves out there and I'm the complete opposite. I want to hide my name. Be someone I ain't. Art has always interest me but the depression makes it hard to pursue it. I'm just an average person now. Working part time and barely holding it together mentally. everyday seems I have to conquer a fear of mine. But simply try to forget everything. My mood I can hardly control. I've run out of hope from others. They clearly don't know what I've been fighting. But somehow I expect them to know. This inner battle is hard and anyone reading this on here I'm sure you know. Im just confused and I will be for a long time. The fact that this happened to me. The issues it comes with I think I've done a lot more than what others think I've accomplished. I'm battling everyday people just don't see. But I know you guys here do.

 

[manipulated]

We see. We care. We have hidden too. We have guilt and shame that belong only to the perp.

 

[Ceremony]

Manipulated shared how we care. I think it's good to review our truths, and keep going like you're writing. Tryingtolive, hiding the parts that are broken might also help, it means they're there to bring into focus slower. I found that putting mine away, in therapy storage and taking a look as I can is helping. I get the chance to ground and breath now, and I'm only referring to the past two weeks.

I wrote a ton in journaling and with my therapist learned that I can try to devise that storage of my choosing. It works for me. Then I'm learning to notice my physical reactions all over again, and that's taking me a lot of time. I'm fine with that now. I have written too often how I'm hoping to get going, so, finally I am, and that's that. I'm sharing a start is where the writing is, and if a therapist can be found. I have been so blessed to finally find a therapist who fully understands trauma therapy isn't just talk therapy, some reframing of my thoughts about what happened to me. NO, what happened to me rewired my brain and I am not going to reframe my thoughts, my thoughts mess me up!

But, now, I can choose them slower, because there's storage. It's a concept, check it out? Once I choose something, I need that grounding and mindfulness if it's a biggie. If it's lower on the scale, I can bring it into focus and see my physical reaction and open internal dialogue about it. Now that is taking research to do well. I've gotten a hand out and study it. Then I made that thread with links so I can review how the brain puts things back together. I am practicing to engage my Upper Frontal and Central brain with my limbic and reptilian brain.

Now that I know, I've wanted to share, especially because I care about sharing to help brothers. If any part eventually makes some impact, wouldn't that be nice?

Yet, these things are overwhelming in themselves, let alone what the thought mess does to us. So, sure, I know how hard it all is, and I have hidden, isolated, and still do. You brothers are my help every day.

 

[WG]

I, too, have learned to connect a number of moments, incidents, actions and an incredible amount of memories with the frontal part, the limbic system and the amygdala parts of the brain. It has taken a few years of therapy, and I'm not finished yet, of course. As Ceremony said - when certain broken pieces appear, I can now examine them in a more settled way. I have learned, too, that there is a grounding method I've come to incorporate into my daily life. I've also become more accustomed to, relate better to and have become more comfortable in my body. To anyone else outside of this realm that last sentence will seem unsettling and strange. To us, as survivors, it's quite real. Didn't like my body, didn't want to even look in the mirror much - and if I did, it was rarely full length. I wasn't overweight, I wasn't anorexic, either. Just average, but never seemed to care about it too much. Now, I like moving around in it more - if that makes sense. Maybe I did and I'm just getting used to it all again. Guess I'm not becoming someone new so much as becoming who I was meant to be all along. Wow, concepts at age 63!