SHAME
ODATS(ex) - “I was only 8…
H(orror) - “What are you doing?”
A(buse) - “What is that I’m feeling?”
M(ine) - “You’re my boy now…”
E(ternity) Forever in my head & in my bed
ODAT
Many of us carried these feelings--Sex at 10, confusing and life changing yes, Horror why is my body reacting and I am scare, Abuse yes that is all it was, Mine he had me under his control not to tell, Eternity yes I felt always with me, sometimes silent and then with me everywhere I would be.
It took me time to learn sex and abuse were one in the same when I was 10. Horror will always be with me, Mine I am no longer his boy and Eternity I learned it took me to have it in my head and my bed and to let it go I had to accept the shame and quilt were the abusers and not mine. I also learned in bed it was me and not him and being with someone who loved and supported me created an intimacy I never knew.
ODAT you can heal and learn to love yourself. It took me decades to accept the abuse and many years to release the control of the abuser. I hope you find freedom from the shame--it is your abusers and not yours.
Kevin
ODAT
Many of us carried these feelings--Sex at 10, confusing and life changing yes, Horror why is my body reacting and I am scare, Abuse yes that is all it was, Mine he had me under his control not to tell, Eternity yes I felt always with me, sometimes silent and then with me everywhere I would be.
It took me time to learn sex and abuse were not one in the same as I thought when I was 10. Horror will always be with me, Mine I am no longer his boy and I learned he is not in my head and my bed. I had to accept the shame and quilt were the abusers and not mine. I also learned in bed it was me and not him and being with someone who loved and supported me created an intimacy I never knew.
ODAT you can heal and learn to love yourself. It took me decades to accept the abuse and many years to release the control of the abuser. I hope you find freedom from the shame--it is your abusers and not yours.
Kevin
ODATKevin,
My struggle now is (over 55 years later) wanting to re-enact the abuse (most of which I don’t even remember.) The pull on me is very strong now (As the line “In my head and in my bed.”) it is even affecting my marriage now as my wife knows I have these obtrusive thoughts…Rich-