SHAME

SHAME

ODAT

Registrant
S(ex) - “I was only 8…
H(orror) - “What are you doing?”
A(buse) - “What is that I’m feeling?”
M(ine) - “You’re my boy now…”
E(ternity) Forever in my head & in my bed
 
S(ex) - “I was only 8…
H(orror) - “What are you doing?”
A(buse) - “What is that I’m feeling?”
M(ine) - “You’re my boy now…”
E(ternity) Forever in my head & in my bed
ODAT

Many of us carried these feelings--Sex at 10, confusing and life changing yes, Horror why is my body reacting and I am scare, Abuse yes that is all it was, Mine he had me under his control not to tell, Eternity yes I felt always with me, sometimes silent and then with me everywhere I would be.

It took me time to learn sex and abuse were not one in the same as I thought when I was 10. Horror will always be with me, Mine I am no longer his boy and I learned he is not in my head and my bed. I had to accept the shame and quilt were the abusers and not mine. I also learned in bed it was me and not him and being with someone who loved and supported me created an intimacy I never knew.

ODAT you can heal and learn to love yourself. It took me decades to accept the abuse and many years to release the control of the abuser. I hope you find freedom from the shame--it is your abusers and not yours.

Kevin
 
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ODAT

Many of us carried these feelings--Sex at 10, confusing and life changing yes, Horror why is my body reacting and I am scare, Abuse yes that is all it was, Mine he had me under his control not to tell, Eternity yes I felt always with me, sometimes silent and then with me everywhere I would be.

It took me time to learn sex and abuse were one in the same when I was 10. Horror will always be with me, Mine I am no longer his boy and Eternity I learned it took me to have it in my head and my bed and to let it go I had to accept the shame and quilt were the abusers and not mine. I also learned in bed it was me and not him and being with someone who loved and supported me created an intimacy I never knew.

ODAT you can heal and learn to love yourself. It took me decades to accept the abuse and many years to release the control of the abuser. I hope you find freedom from the shame--it is your abusers and not yours.

Kevin

Thank you, Kevin. Appreciate your kind words!
 
ODAT

Many of us carried these feelings--Sex at 10, confusing and life changing yes, Horror why is my body reacting and I am scare, Abuse yes that is all it was, Mine he had me under his control not to tell, Eternity yes I felt always with me, sometimes silent and then with me everywhere I would be.

It took me time to learn sex and abuse were not one in the same as I thought when I was 10. Horror will always be with me, Mine I am no longer his boy and I learned he is not in my head and my bed. I had to accept the shame and quilt were the abusers and not mine. I also learned in bed it was me and not him and being with someone who loved and supported me created an intimacy I never knew.

ODAT you can heal and learn to love yourself. It took me decades to accept the abuse and many years to release the control of the abuser. I hope you find freedom from the shame--it is your abusers and not yours.

Kevin

Kevin,
My struggle now is (over 55 years later) wanting to re-enact the abuse (most of which I don’t even remember.) The pull on me is very strong now (As the line “In my head and in my bed.”) it is even affecting my marriage now as my wife knows I have these obtrusive thoughts…Rich-
 
Kevin,
My struggle now is (over 55 years later) wanting to re-enact the abuse (most of which I don’t even remember.) The pull on me is very strong now (As the line “In my head and in my bed.”) it is even affecting my marriage now as my wife knows I have these obtrusive thoughts…Rich-
ODAT

I am sorry you are going through this. I was in my mid 50's when I began to relive the abuse. I remembered the abuse but successful, more like a master of denial, in hiding it. I truly did not hide it, it was with me day in and day out. I could tell no one, I allowed others to spit on me, lock me in a room, laugh and torment--either inflicted by a youth or condoned by an adult. They laugh and believe they are innocent but history tells me otherwise. My ex was not supportive in anyway--listening to people who knew nothing about trauma nor ready to admit the abuses I lived in the home and my sense of abandonment. I look back and learned she grew up with relatives who were abusive to their children, I witnessed on such event and the daughter had to run crying from the home. I never forgot it and later realized everytime their father was pushed from the table with his wife, these relatives and his children laughing and faces that showed lack of empathy I have come to accept it was learned behavior that was not spoken about. They harbor their own sense of trauma, because what I saw as I turned my car around to run to help, but the daughter fled into another car before I could arrive, was horrific, violent and abusive. The door slammed and I rang the bell for the upstairs apartment where the ex lived. I saw sullen looks and always wondered why no one went to their cousins rescue. I have learned over the years the neighbors knew of the abuse for this was not an isolated incidence. Clearly, they believed no one knew but when I heard this recently I was surprised but not totally surprised. My heart goes out as they need to face the damage their exposure to trauma caused and carried over to our children. I was not perfect, I could be harsh and have apologized for what I have done, but they refuse believing they know more than the experts on trauma. I have been told I have been struggling to accept what I lived with family was rooted in their own childhood exposure to trauma. I did the same with my own trauma until I could no longer control or bury the truth. I find writing about it helps me to process.

I left this environment and found people who helped me heal. Hopefully, your wife seek professional help to allow her to navigate and understand your cry for help and support. My family has not and I have made peace with myself and will not gravel because I learned it gives them control and could push me backward. Your wife needs to understand triggers and how a smile, a hug without words can lift a survivor. It is all too easy to judge others. I wish you and your wife well on this journey and I hope you are able to share it with her, if not remember it is your journey.

Kevin
 
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