Shame

[lostc]

Sometimes I feel goddamned ashamed about this, thinking things like "what kind of man am I that I'm trying to understand and say that females abused me, and that I didn't just like it and see it as sexual experience", like I'm some kind of pathetic weak excuse of a man. (Even though when it happened I was a boy/underage and either didn't understand what was happening or was too naive and depressed to look after myself.) Its not like it could ever happen again and I would have no problems defending myself against anyone, but fuck it. I still get upset/triggered because the first person who abused me is really physically inappropriate at times because I have to see her a lot. and I feel like a goddamned jackass bringing it up in therapy because I'm a man being upset by physical contact through a female. If it was any other female I wouldn't care and would enjoy the attention.

 

[Nothing Man]

Lostc, physical contact between two loving and consenting human beings is a beautiful experience cannot ever compare to the abusive violation of sexual abuse by one person against another. The fact that the abuser is a woman is irrelevant; the touch of any abuser is unwelcome and wrong. Is there any way you can not be around your abuser? Having her near you must be very triggering, and your anger is understandable.

 

[lostc]

thank you for your reply NM it means a lot, I was upset when I wrote that. no I can't get out of being around her right now, but next year I will be moving far away and so hopefully I will see her a lot less from then on. my T and I have been working on how to avoid or lessen physical contact with her whenever I can. I don't know what goes on in her head, if she's tried to block out or forget what she did, but sometimes she touches me really inappropriately and it is triggering and upsetting yes.

 

[Winhamness]

lostc,

It is ok to be upset about this situation.

If my abuser touched me in any way shape or form, much less inappropriately, I'd be rattled for days.

I can't even imagine how it must feel for you. Please hang in there.

Have you considered asserting your boundries with her? "Please do not touch me. If you touch me again, I will ______ "

 

[Winhamness]

Sometimes I feel goddamned ashamed about this, thinking things like "what kind of man am I that I'm trying to understand and say that females abused me, and that I didn't just like it and see it as sexual experience", like I'm some kind of pathetic weak excuse of a man. (Even though when it happened I was a boy/underage and either didn't understand what was happening or was too naive and depressed to look after myself.)

and I feel like a goddamned jackass bringing it up in therapy because I'm a man being upset by physical contact through a female.

Also, I wanted to let you know I feel the same way at times. I was also abused by a female at a young age.

This unwanted contact at a young age, and the repression of reality that goes along with it, occurs at a time when you are too vulnerable and nave to protect yourself and understand.

For me, it's created a lot of negative self images that have lasted my entire life and are very destructive.

Please know you are not alone in your struggles.

 

[lostc]

Thank you very much Winhamness for your response and input I appreciate it. Me and my T have talked about trying to assert boundaries and tell her not to do these things but so far i've been unable to do it, when it happens i'm too shocked to say anything as its often unexpected, or its around people and I don't want to make a scene, or its when i'm also experiencing anxiety and I don't want to make it worse. but thank you, I am trying to work towards telling her not to do it when she does it or let her know I don't like it.

I'm so sorry that you also went through this abuse at a young age. it helps knowing theres other's who have gone through this, and thank you for your perspective on it, it helps.

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Lostc

it helps knowing theres other's who have gone through this.

You can add me to the list. I too struggle with very mixed feelings and confidence in being a man. I remember once doing a martial arts exercise with a woman and I couldn't defend myself from her. My body/mind wouldn't let me. I have no trouble with men. We aren't supposed to be able to be hurt and women aren't supposed to be hurtful, but reality seems to be different particularly when those hurts happened in a man's childhood like ours did. It's taking me a while to see that it is those cultural attitudes that are sick and taking some distance from them is important to my healing.

Best wishes in your efforts to create a safe space for yourself. We may not be there for you in body, but we are here for you in spirit.

Sincerely,

"GAATT"

 

[lostc]

Thank you gaatt, I appreciate your reply it means a lot. thanks for your thoughts and sharing, i'll try to keep this in mind. I feel very similar. thank you.

 

[Nothing Man]

(((lostc)))

 

[lostc]

thank you NM

 

[Nothing Man]

lostc, I feel your pain and understand it because I have felt it too. I had to live with one my abusers for about 20 years, off and on. The abuser was my mother, and not only did she serially molest me when I was younger, but she also was physically, verbally and psychologically abusive. Getting out of her home was probably the best thing I ever did.

Please don't feel alone. Many here understand what you are going through. You have my support and caring. Be well.

Mike

 

[lostc]

thank you for that and sharing Mike, i'm really sorry that you ever had to go through that, that's horrible. I'm very glad that you're out of there now. thank you very much for your support and input it helps a lot. A lot of the time I feel confused/sad and other times just angry at being confused. (have to see her again for a long time tonight/tomorrow =/ )

 

[Winhamness]

Hi lostc,

I'm sorry you have to see her again. I can only imagine the way the anxiety must build. Your stomache must be in knots...mine would be. I feel sad that you have to deal with such difficult things because of what SHE did.

This is what I wish for you:

That you can coexist with the discomfort in a way that allows you to enjoy your time.

 

[lostc]

thank you Winhamness, I appreciate it. I got through it reasonably ok though I wish it didn't have to happen. I'm going to bring up in therapy how to try to see her less.