Shame, sexuality, acting out & Me...

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**some of this was part of a response I made to another thread.

Shame... I felt shame, *VERY* intense shame, like from down deep in my bones the first time my uncle raped me at 8. Despite all the prior grooming with him having me sit on his lap while watching tv, the hugging and offering up to then had been "safe" affection & attention that, I as an already needy child ate up, that first rape I instantly knew what shame was. As an 8 year old boy growing up in a very broken home with highly dysfunctional adults, and in our extended family as well, with no mention of or teaching of sex, god or any basis of morality, I instinctively knew that the rape I was experiencing was *VERY* wrong, no one had to teach me that...

My abuse was ongoing from 8 to 12, at first and up till 11 y/o I hated and was scared of the abuse, but once puberty hit though, I was hooked on it and went there seeking it, I then started acting out with other boys... My young brain was tortured and pulled in many different directions all at once through all this chaotic growing up, and shame was always there with me. I spent years, decades even secretly acting out the intense hyper sex drive that had me seeking out men, 100+/-. I've been there, done that... The sex was no different of an addiction than food ended up being to me later on, I used it to sooth myself, I used it to punish myself, I used it to reward myself too in the same sick and twisted ways that I used the sex. The acting out sex was an addiction born out of the sexual abuse, with the abuse control issues, and the broken masculinity & father issues from even before the abuse. It was always something dirty, secretive and a power trip of me conquering and needing that submissive male feeding my broken masculinity. It was never anything wholesome or about loving, honoring or cherishing. I never wanted to marry a man or wear a dress or do what I was doing but there I was stuck in this awful rut of acting out.

Sexual fantasy was always there too, from the beginnings of my hyper sexualization at 11. I had some very sick and abusive "shameful" fantasies by 12 that I NEVER acted on. I would often be awoken by abusive/ssa sexual dreams for decades, even after years of working on my abuse and other childhood issues. Shame was involved there too.

Right from the beginning of childhood I knew what I was missing out on, even long before the sexual abuse. I was missing out on the love & affection of a loving home and family, I desperately wanted that and often hoped that I would be rescued from my misery. I had hoped and prayed to be rescued by my dead mother's family who seemed perfect by comparison to my father's very dysfunctional family that we were stuck with. So my hopes and dreams for the future were to be part of a loving family (with a wife and kids) that I never had growing up.

Masculinity / father issues were a part of the acting out too. I never had a good connection to my father, he never brought me into the fold of a healthy masculinity and the accompanying healthy self esteem. He being an alpha male, even as a young boy I felt inferior, other than... This early set up was just compounded by the sexual abuse. Part of the drive was a faulty attempt to get from men the unmet needs from my father that were supposed to be a healthy attention, affection and affirmation. I was attempting to fill that hole by using other men, and in all the times I did, it never worked, it was a fools errand over and over again. It only lead me further down the rabbit hole. Early on in kindergarten I felt inferior to other boys, it was envy and jealousy and not sexual. Once puberty hit though, all that hurt and inferiority got twisted up into the rotten mix with the sexual abuse and I was left one twisted 11 year old sex addict acting out.

I grew up in the NYC area and had two gay uncles & their friends who were loved and accepted by our family (mom's side). I knew what it meant to be gay early on, what you can have and what you can't have with being gay. I knew that I didn't want to be gay, didn't feel gay, was never romantically into guys. Yet there I was driven to act out with boys then later men...

What I came to understand about what was happening to *me* was that I was still stuck in the old abuse cycle, only now it was *me* who was abusing my own self with all the learned faulty coping responses that my immature broken child mind came up with. Too many times I did the same twisted things over and over again expecting a different outcome, which is the very definition of insanity... That much hated shame that I so dreaded, that came from deep within wasn't there to punish and berate me, as it turned out it was there trying to tell me that I was doing something against who/what I was at my core. The drunken lust of sex and/or food would over ride the shame, but the second it was over the shame was there to say, "look what you did, yet again, this is NOT who or what you are...". So for me in the end *my* shame wasn't something to "get over", it was there trying to save & preserve who/what I am, trying to keep me safe from even my broken self-destructive self and any other outside destructive forces.

All that to say, sometimes "shame" is not a bad thing or out of place, or something to get over. But, this something we all have to work out and figure out for ourselves.

It took time to dig into the roots of my errant drives & brokenness. I looked hard at what triggered me, and that was any scenario (in my head) that made me feel weak, less than a Man, or a failure. It didn't even have to be real, even just seeing a seemingly successful guy (in my business world) would trigger me into feeling inferior and start me down the rabbit hole of acting out. I was forever measuring my broken self against the seemingly perfect specimens of men. I was beating myself up mercilessly for decades. I had to realize that I survived, was thriving and even successful to many. I had to STOP comparing myself, especially using the same quotient of my worst flaws against their "perfectness" that wasn't real. I now know that I am successful, I survived what many didn't, that many of those "perfect" guys wouldn't be in as good of a place or condition if all things were equal. This was a BIG step in me taking back control.

You have to stop feeding whatever beast you want to kill, so things like porn that also feeds into unwanted fantasies and dreams/nightmares I stopped too. If you continue to feed a beast it will continue to grow bigger and stronger.

I owe myself & little George to live the life I always wanted. With all that I learned about myself about the why & how things went wrong, I am now in control. The past hurts and their errant drives no longer control me.
 
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