Shame I kept going back trigger warning

Sawyer49

Registrant
I am not sure how much of this I can write out but the environment with my buddies dad never felt dangerous. I never felt like I could lose my life. He knew my dad had left us I believed he wanted to help. It's hard for me to view him as monster and I feel like that disqualifies me from this site. He is gone now dead and I felt bad he had died. I know I am 50 now I know if someone did that to my kid I would see a monster. I just had to write this out because at times Since I have joined here I keep hearing that I should not be here besides I kept going back. I was 11 I turned 12 and it kept happening.
Sorry.
 
You belong here, Saws. Who on Earth would be ignorant enough to have said otherwise. You're new like me. I have discovered that if someone on here has upset you by saying something untoward, just push the magic "ignore" button and their stuff ceases to appear on your feed/screen. Please stay.
 
Trigger Warning - Sawyer you were groomed - a very very powerful form of brain washing. And of course you went back —IT FELT GOOD (because we are hard wired for pleasure) and he was an adult man making you feel special. You do belong! And you are far from alone here.
 
Hi Sawyer

Who ever said that to you was dead wrong. It doesn't matter at all about going back it was for something we thought was ok. I feel like I had a crush on my primary abuser I was 5 years old, he made me feel special. He took advantage of me never hurt me until he gave me away. I see now everything he did was to groom me to being his for his pleasure, it was nothing but abuse and a person taking advantage of an easy mark.

Things continued to happen till the last time at 22.

I also kept going back to the most violent person I ever met. I can not tell you why I didn't get away from him till he died I was 18 years old at the time.

So I don't think going back has anything to do with it. It is how you were conditioned or groomed that takes control of you and keeps it for as long as they are able. Not your fault you were a kid and he took advantage of you because he could play on the fact that your Dad was not in the picture.
I am sorry someone said you don't belong here. You do belong and you are welcome.

Take good care
 
I really appreciate you posting this Sawyer because we never heal if we're not willing to tell the truth AS WE know it. Granted the truth may be a lie we're telling ourselves that keeps us lost in shame, but that IS where we may be starting. Mani says perfectly what we all come to understand eventually... none of what happened occurred because this is how we wished to live our lives. This man groomed you to satisfy HIS distorted sexuality. What sane person believes being sexual with a child is a healthy thing to do to them? It is against the law for a reason. Abuse destroys our freedom to learn how to inhabit our bodies and discover for ourselves how sexual feelings arise. Instead, we're forced to play a game of someone else's choosing for someone else's pleasure. You were used even if it felt comforting to be with this man or if what he was doing with you led to good feelings in your body. So please don't doubt for a moment that you belong here with all of us who were traumatized by pedophiles. You're here like all of us to heal from this trauma, to claim your life... to let the past stay in the past and not infect your life as an adult. Remember that Sawyer... you're not alone with any of this. We're here with you.
 

Sawyer49

Registrant
I need to apologize I read the last line in my post and it makes it sound as if someone is saying this to me. No one has said that, it is something I hear in my own mind. I did not mean to misconstrue any information and wanted to clarify. Thank you guys for your words. I have felt nothing but support here the battle I am having is in my mind.

Sawyer
 
That's generally where it happens Sawyer... between our ears. We can be so hard on ourselves. In a way that is the hallmark of shame. We aren't able to find compassion for ourselves for what happened. Instead we find reasons we're to blame. Thank you for making this clarification and PLEASE be gentle with yourself in all of this.
 

Shyshark

Registrant
I understand.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

I've tried to hate them for what they did.
It seems I would feel better if I did ... but I'm sure of the opposite.
I know I would feel worse.

I was too young to have an opinion or to know it was wrong.
It made me feel wanted ... even loved I guess.
I barely remember the first guy and the fourth guy.
It's the second and the third ... the neighbour boys (teens) ... that payed attention to me and played with me
because there were no other kids even close to my age.
They were kind and bought me black jawbreakers and the younger one liked me to piggyback.
Without them I would have been completely alone and I was already that in my own home.
My older bro and sis barely knew I was alive. I don't remember EVER playing with them.
It was the older boy who caught me by the river and grabbed my ear and scolded me for being there and threatened to tell my Mom
if he ever caught me near the river or the pond when I was alone. The river ran fast and the pond was deep.
It's the younger boy who later taught me how to ride his bike. I remember him holding onto the back of the seat and running behind and yelling ...
go go go ... and I went ... and I went home with a big smile and skinned knees ... but I knew how to ride a bike!
Like all those things ... what we did was just a game.
They never hurt me ... they included me.
I felt like I belonged.

I often feel like I don't belong here.
I hear the horror stories and I cringe ... sometimes it makes me cry. I have to be careful what I read.
It just never fails to make me feel grateful that my story isn't anything like theirs.
Imagine feeling grateful for being abused ... but in comparison ... I am.
I'm grateful for sometimes feeling like I don't belong here.

Saw ... we do.
 
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MACH123

Registrant
Yes this is really how I felt about it. I just couldn't function though I guess because functionally it meant I was a girl (in my mind). But it never really stopped this was what I always wanted and still do. It sounds like love. I didn't mind being the girl.
It had some kind of horror dimension under it or something IDK. Probably the memories I haven't recovered. There's no question I was severely disassociated by something and I definitely have cPTSD. The things I remembered though seemed pleasurable and innocent mostly. It never seemed like abuse I always wanted to.
 
I am not sure how much of this I can write out but the environment with my buddies dad never felt dangerous. I never felt like I could lose my life. He knew my dad had left us I believed he wanted to help. It's hard for me to view him as monster and I feel like that disqualifies me from this site. He is gone now dead and I felt bad he had died. I know I am 50 now I know if someone did that to my kid I would see a monster. I just had to write this out because at times Since I have joined here I keep hearing that I should not be here besides I kept going back. I was 11 I turned 12 and it kept happening.
Sorry.
You definitely belong here. Your story is not unlike many of us. I hope you put aside the lie that says you’re disqualified. No matter what you wanted and for whatever need you felt that it met; you were not of age of consent. The adult knew right and wrong and instead he exploited you needs.

Since I have joined here I keep hearing that I should not be here
I’m curious where you’re hearing this from.
 
Hi Sawyer

Sorry I took that wrong that someone else was telling you you don't belong here. Coming from your on head it is a symptom of the abuse I think. I don't feel I belong anywhere's much and I had some real traumatic experiences. I know it is in my head I don't belong anywhere. I know this to be my own brain telling me this and I am sure it is wrong.

I have a hard time in chat when things are slow and no one says anything after I enter and after a few minutes I have to leave with a rejected feeling and wondering if I do really belong here. Triggering a rage in me that scares me. I am told that is an abandonment issue. There are times I felt completely alone and discarded.

Take good care
 
So painful to read... so deeply moving. We found ways to survive, simply that. I'm so glad we all did, because not everyone did survive the pain we're talking about. Now we have to find compassion for ourselves for all of it, including the behaviors we relied on to contend with our fear. Blessings to us all.
 
I have a hard time in chat when things are slow and no one says anything after I enter and after a few minutes I have to leave with a rejected feeling and wondering if I do really belong here.
I think many of us think the same thing. I think it comes from low self esteem that many of us deal with.
 

Sawyer49

Registrant
Hi Sawyer

Sorry I took that wrong that someone else was telling you you don't belong here. Coming from your on head it is a symptom of the abuse I think. I don't feel I belong anywhere's much and I had some real traumatic experiences. I know it is in my head I don't belong anywhere. I know this to be my own brain telling me this and I am sure it is wrong.

I have a hard time in chat when things are slow and no one says anything after I enter and after a few minutes I have to leave with a rejected feeling and wondering if I do really belong here. Triggering a rage in me that scares me. I am told that is an abandonment issue. There are times I felt completely alone and discarded.

Take good care
Esterio,

I have felt the same in chat, U grow uncomfortable in silences and feel sometimes my presence an interruption. I at times leave to avoid those feelings. It may be that a sense of belonging is something that I have craved as a kid. Part of that stems from a dad who found it very easy to leave our family for someone else it was in that time that my buddies dad stepped in. The overwhelming feelings of being included but also talking about things he answered alot of questions I had about myself which allowed opportunities he capitalize d on.
 
Sawyer,

You most CERTAINLY belong here. That thought you have of not belonging is a result of the abuse. A lot of tapes were recorded in our heads and we keep playing them over and over until we re-record new ones.

You are one of us and most welcome here. And you are NEVER an interruption!
 

Tom E.

Registrant
If you feel you belong here, then you do.If You you identify with these stories & had similar experiences, then you belong here, even if you enjoyed them. If you were a kid of 11 & 12 and the perp was a grown man, then you belong here.
 
U grow uncomfortable in silences and feel sometimes my presence an interruption.
We really need to get beyond this some how. It has effected me at most of the sites I have been to that have chat, so I think it is all on me to change this some how. I have been trying to but like everything else it takes nothing to set me back again.

Take good care
 

Shyshark

Registrant
If there are 4 or 5 or more guys there and/or the chat is lively I come in and say "Hi guys".
It draws attention and takes the onus off of guys who may be distracted by the conversation on the floor.
Not everybody says 'hi' back ... some wouldn't have anyway ... and some have drifted off to get a beer or something.
Things often move so quickly that your arrival is already way at the top of the screen so it's easily missed.
I used to be crushed when I wasn't acknowledged. I have a real problem with rejection.
Some of us are more prone to it than others. Many guys couldn't care less.

None the less ... it is our responsibility to acknowledge arrivals to chat ...
especially someone who has never come before and may never come again if feeling unwelcome and ignored ...
and therein lies the rub.
How does everybody know he's a newbie?
They can't.

I've been here 7 years and it was a problem then and it still is now.
I've had to toughen up ... but I still get hurt.

All we can do ... each of us ... is to try and do better.
 
How does everybody know he's a newbie?
They can't.
I hover on the name and check the pop-up profile - says how many posts and when they joined. If Posts are very low (even if they have been here a while) or if they are new (in the last month) I try to welcome them. If they are VERY new (in the last week) I try to give them a bit of extra attention.

But, I am often not on chat, or on chat at work, and if many are on at once, it is difficult to keep up.
 
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