Shame and wanting to act out

Shame and wanting to act out
Shame is a way I stay in control, it's such a familiar feeling.

Scary but necessary to thriving to leave behind harmful, untrue feelings despite their familiarity. Moving beyond dysfunction takes recognizing the dysfunction despite its familiarity. Congratulations on this growth Flying
 
Scary but necessary to thriving to leave behind harmful, untrue feelings despite their familiarity. Moving beyond dysfunction takes recognizing the dysfunction despite its familiarity. Congratulations on this growth Flying
Thanks Manipulated, it's very frustrating going through this over and over. But I am making a lot of progress, and I need to remember that.
 
Get some rest. We are most vulnerable to everything negative when tired or hungry or lonely. Don’t let yourself isolate- stay “with” your wife or us or a friend?

Oh and yes I am great at the advice but doing what I suggest? Well you are not alone if you act out...

It’s humbling to read all of these posts. I’m 36 or 37 years removed from my abuse, and I’m devastated currently. Sometimes it’s overwhelming to read forms of advice that are spot-on correct.
 
We do this for one another Dunc simply because we need to hear these words ourselves. Reading back to what I said almost two years ago reminds ME of what I need right here, right now. None of us wants to be dealing with these OLD feelings but here they are and here we are... supporting one another so we don't have to do the work of healing alone. Hang in there my friend.
 
We do this for one another Dunc simply because we need to hear these words ourselves. Reading back to what I said almost two years ago reminds ME of what I need right here, right now. None of us wants to be dealing with these OLD feelings but here they are and here we are... supporting one another so we don't have to do the work of healing alone. Hang in there my friend.

I went through old posts to see the vast similarities of what so many people struggle with (the same things as me). Repeating the broken record of imagining what happened to me for over three and a half decades now. My memory (merely the thought) playing the abuse out is my acting out. It has been debilitating and humiliating, and shameful, as I was helpless to stop the reaction of pleasure my petrified body felt. I immediately had a sickening feeling to my body’s reaction, a feeling that has remained as horribly raw and fresh as the first moment after. I have beaten myself up the most over that. It has haunted me. It has humiliated me beyond belief, and has literally paralyzed me at moments. A brutal battle, and I have run from it my whole adult life. I wonder at times if this is what was meant by “brain f’ck” I think of those words he said to me, and see what it has done to my mind, wreaking havoc. The ruining of a teenager, college years. Fighting to survive. Amazing survival on here. I know everyone is not the same, and not to compare or judge. Helps to know I’m not the only one who has gone through life with this.
 
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I created a new desktop for my computer over the weekend with photos of myself from shortly after birth to graduation from high school, all in black and white against a black background. At the top I labeled the scene as "The Hell Realm" and added a note between photos of myself as a teen that says "Surviving... Not Really." The traumas happened between the years of infancy through age 7 and a half when my family moved away from the pedophiles living next door. But that was only the beginning of the story... my life was a hell realm laced with shame of repeated acting out behaviors and undergirded with terror and rage. I know I'm far from unique in any of this and many among us had more daunting childhoods than I did. So you're not alone Dunc in despairing over what your life was like... because of the trauma. Fortunately, we are now supporting one another in finding some peace in our lives... release of the shame that we carried all those years. The best we can do is be gentle with ourselves and to the best of our ability to take care of ourselves. We are doing this together... being alone with all of this is much too painful.
 
The shame of it has been an unrelenting presence since it happened three and a half decades ago. I have managed to appear good on the outside most of that time, while on the inside….. (well, you know how that goes when you repeat the memory tens of thousands of times in your mind).
 
I created a new desktop for my computer over the weekend with photos of myself from shortly after birth to graduation from high school, all in black and white against a black background. At the top I labeled the scene as "The Hell Realm" and added a note between photos of myself as a teen that says "Surviving... Not Really." The traumas happened between the years of infancy through age 7 and a half when my family moved away from the pedophiles living next door. But that was only the beginning of the story... my life was a hell realm laced with shame of repeated acting out behaviors and undergirded with terror and rage. I know I'm far from unique in any of this and many among us had more daunting childhoods than I did. So you're not alone Dunc in despairing over what your life was like... because of the trauma. Fortunately, we are now supporting one another in finding some peace in our lives... release of the shame that we carried all those years. The best we can do is be gentle with ourselves and to the best of our ability to take care of ourselves. We are doing this together... being alone with all of this is much too painful.
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V,

I focus on what you’ve said, (compassion for self and self care). How does one stop the auto pilot recycling thoughts of what was done to us? My shame of what he caused my body to do has has dominated for over 35 years. I punish myself for losing that battle. I was a terrified kid and I lost. I have been destroying that kid for losing that battle ever since. Will self compassion ever be able to override that? (Appear good on the outside, yet broken on the inside). That’s most of the 35+ years since, but sucking the life out of me little by little the entire time. I’m happy for those who have gone through life and not had this hell realm affixed to their daily repertoire. For us, it’s brutal beyond belief. For my wife and kids, I am trying to find that self compassion spoken of here.
 
Thanks for the support everyone. I am sinking into depression, trying to battle it. It completely changed my perception of reality. It's hard to talk about these issues with other people.
It is really hard, but you are not alone. Don’t beat yourself up thought are just that thoughts we don’t have to response to them. We can moveway from them. We just need to identify the cause of our current anxiety or stress and combat it head on.
 
I was abused at 8 for about 9 months but only remember three instances (of many.) In my 30-40’s I started acting out sexually pleasing older married men in reenacting the abuse I did not remember as a boy. After 17 years of marriage I started thinking of acting out again with older men. The thoughts always revolve around providing sex to men in abusive ways. The shame keeps repeating itself. I am in therapy now and it is helping. I came clean with my wife on what I was thinking. That just created PTSD for her (now we both have it) and has put our marriage on eggshells. Shame is always surrounding me. After my abuse I became a real people pleaser thinking nobody would want to be my friend if they knew what happened to me and that I actually enjoyed parts of it (I did not know about physiological stimulation back then.) Every day is a struggle with some better than others. This site has helped a lot as I find sharing my story (which I did this week after waiting a year) helps others too. Try not to beat yourself up. Love the little boy who was abused. I’ve come to learn he did the best he could…
 
Men hang in there you are not alone the mind at times returns there for different reasons. I can't really explain all the why's. I get to these points as well and my mind uploads the memories. We can accept grace for ourselves, for grace is shames worst nightmare.
 
Men hang in there you are not alone the mind at times returns there for different reasons. I can't really explain all the why's. I get to these points as well and my mind uploads the memories. We can accept grace for ourselves, for grace is shames worst nightmare.

The mind certainly has returned there over a lifetime since. For me it’s been because of the shame, humiliation, and absolute helpless fear I experienced. The replay of the broken record has been unrelenting. (In my mind only) I have made the thoughts of helplessness and humiliation worse over the years. That has been to help to justify in my mind that I was helpless to get out of the situation so many years ago. It’s been a debilitating repetitive thought cycle. To get even to a point of a month without those recurring thoughts would be a blessing. The shame has made me a doormat.
 
My struggle is that I’ve only realized this last year that a lot more happened to me at 8 than I always believed. I am now 65. This has been devastating but fully explains why I was acting out with men in my 30-40’s (yet I am a heterosexual male) and also why my abusive thoughts always revolve around being victimized (whether those thoughts are the me at 8 or the me in my 30-40’s.) My brain is still not letting me remember all of it but at least I now understand it better. Shame for me has been a partner in my life since I was 8. I’m working with a therapist this past year to get beyond it. My message is to be gentle with ourselves. I have learned to love the boy who was 8 and know he did the best he could..,
 
My struggle is that I’ve only realized this last year that a lot more happened to me at 8 than I always believed. I am now 65. This has been devastating but fully explains why I was acting out with men in my 30-40’s (yet I am a heterosexual male) and also why my abusive thoughts always revolve around being victimized (whether those thoughts are the me at 8 or the me in my 30-40’s.) My brain is still not letting me remember all of it but at least I now understand it better. Shame for me has been a partner in my life since I was 8. I’m working with a therapist this past year to get beyond it. My message is to be gentle with ourselves. I have learned to love the boy who was 8 and know he did the best he could..,

I understand O. I have only had thought replays of being a victim. That has simply added to the shame over the past three and a half decades. I realize now that the replays are almost a universal occurrence among us, they are so common. That has helped me to know that one is not alone in that hell. I didn’t think I would make it out of my teens, but I did. Survival right?
 
Men hang in there you are not alone the mind at times returns there for different reasons. I can't really explain all the why's. I get to these points as well and my mind uploads the memories. We can accept grace for ourselves, for grace is shames worst nightmare.

Realizing here on this forum that it seems (repetitive upload) to be one of the most common occurrences for people to replay the memories, has helped me to not feel so alone. Those replays of mine have been made worse over time. A way, I guess, to punish one’s self for not being able to disregard the frozen helplessness and get the hell out of there. To wonder what a life would have been without that.
 
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