Shame and wanting to act out

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Shame is a way I stay in control, it's such a familiar feeling.
Scary but necessary to thriving to leave behind harmful, untrue feelings despite their familiarity. Moving beyond dysfunction takes recognizing the dysfunction despite its familiarity. Congratulations on this growth Flying
 

flying

Registrant
Scary but necessary to thriving to leave behind harmful, untrue feelings despite their familiarity. Moving beyond dysfunction takes recognizing the dysfunction despite its familiarity. Congratulations on this growth Flying
Thanks Manipulated, it's very frustrating going through this over and over. But I am making a lot of progress, and I need to remember that.
 

Dunc6932

Registrant
Get some rest. We are most vulnerable to everything negative when tired or hungry or lonely. Don’t let yourself isolate- stay “with” your wife or us or a friend?

Oh and yes I am great at the advice but doing what I suggest? Well you are not alone if you act out...
It’s humbling to read all of these posts. I’m 36 or 37 years removed from my abuse, and I’m devastated currently. Sometimes it’s overwhelming to read forms of advice that are spot-on correct.
 
We do this for one another Dunc simply because we need to hear these words ourselves. Reading back to what I said almost two years ago reminds ME of what I need right here, right now. None of us wants to be dealing with these OLD feelings but here they are and here we are... supporting one another so we don't have to do the work of healing alone. Hang in there my friend.
 

Dunc6932

Registrant
We do this for one another Dunc simply because we need to hear these words ourselves. Reading back to what I said almost two years ago reminds ME of what I need right here, right now. None of us wants to be dealing with these OLD feelings but here they are and here we are... supporting one another so we don't have to do the work of healing alone. Hang in there my friend.
I went through old posts to see the vast similarities of what so many people struggle with (the same things as me). Repeating the broken record of imagining what happened to me for over three and a half decades now. My memory (merely the thought) playing the abuse out is my acting out. It has been debilitating and humiliating, and shameful, as I was helpless to stop the reaction of pleasure my petrified body felt. I immediately had a sickening feeling to my body’s reaction, a feeling that has remained as horribly raw and fresh as the first moment after. I have beaten myself up the most over that. It has haunted me. It has humiliated me beyond belief, and has literally paralyzed me at moments. A brutal battle, and I have run from it my whole adult life. I wonder at times if this is what was meant by “brain f’ck” I think of those words he said to me, and see what it has done to my mind, wreaking havoc. The ruining of a teenager, college years. Fighting to survive. Amazing survival on here. I know everyone is not the same, and not to compare or judge. Helps to know I’m not the only one who has gone through life with this.
 
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I created a new desktop for my computer over the weekend with photos of myself from shortly after birth to graduation from high school, all in black and white against a black background. At the top I labeled the scene as "The Hell Realm" and added a note between photos of myself as a teen that says "Surviving... Not Really." The traumas happened between the years of infancy through age 7 and a half when my family moved away from the pedophiles living next door. But that was only the beginning of the story... my life was a hell realm laced with shame of repeated acting out behaviors and undergirded with terror and rage. I know I'm far from unique in any of this and many among us had more daunting childhoods than I did. So you're not alone Dunc in despairing over what your life was like... because of the trauma. Fortunately, we are now supporting one another in finding some peace in our lives... release of the shame that we carried all those years. The best we can do is be gentle with ourselves and to the best of our ability to take care of ourselves. We are doing this together... being alone with all of this is much too painful.
 
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