Shame and wanting to act out

flying

Registrant
Hi guys, I've taken a couple weeks off from this site. Sometimes I get overwhelmed reading all of the posts. I'm currently having really strong desires to act out in chatrooms. I'm having shame, and it makes me want to escape reality.

Made love with my wife last week, tried to be emotionally present and connected. I felt like crying afterwards. I have a hard time letting myself be happy and feel good. Part of me just wants to focus on the lust and chat with strangers and masturbate. Why is it so hard to be vulnerable and present with the person I love? It's frustrating.

I'm not acting out, but I want to. I'm scared to make love with my wife because I think I'll feel ashamed or disconnected. But I want to be with her in that way. I will try and communicate with her, and focus on the emotional part of connecting.

Thanks for reading.

Flying
 
Flying - thanks for being honest. I have had that struggle, too. I am sure there are many more.
just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Lee
 
Thanks Flying... it takes great courage to be so vulnerable and not act it out. I'm told this is the key to healing these deep wounds... feel the feelings but contain the behaviors that are certain to re-create the shame we likely have carried since the abuse happened. I honor your effort to be close with your wife. I sense she is a companion with whom you can share feelings when you're able to do so. Honestly, sharing feelings is an important part of intimacy whether it happens before or after a sexual encounter. Perhaps sharing some of this with her will help you to discharge what is painful. I don't think it is bad to share tears even tears that arise from making love. All the best to you both.
 

flying

Registrant
Thanks Flying... it takes great courage to be so vulnerable and not act it out. I'm told this is the key to healing these deep wounds... feel the feelings but contain the behaviors that are certain to re-create the shame we likely have carried since the abuse happened. I honor your effort to be close with your wife. I sense she is a companion with whom you can share feelings when you're able to do so. Honestly, sharing feelings is an important part of intimacy whether it happens before or after a sexual encounter. Perhaps sharing some of this with her will help you to discharge what is painful. I don't think it is bad to share tears even tears that arise from making love. All the best to you both.
Thanks Visitor, I realize I am very tired right now also. This affects how I feel. I am learning to share with her without burdening her. This is hard though
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Get some rest. We are most vulnerable to everything negative when tired or hungry or lonely. Don’t let yourself isolate- stay “with” your wife or us or a friend?

Oh and yes I am great at the advice but doing what I suggest? Well you are not alone if you act out...
 

flying

Registrant
Get some rest. We are most vulnerable to everything negative when tired or hungry or lonely. Don’t let yourself isolate- stay “with” your wife or us or a friend?

Oh and yes I am great at the advice but doing what I suggest? Well you are not alone if you act out...
Thanks Manipulated,
I plan on going to bed early and not acting out. Sleep is very important
 
@flying I have been struggling with acting out in chat rooms. I have not acted out I have just glanced at topics here I can deal with and sit in chat here for a moment or two. I don't have a partner and I'm under a lot of stress and I know why I struggle and it helps that in here other people understand and don't judge me.
 

JoeNE

Registrant
I go thru periods of acting out in chatrooms, while masturbating and watching porn. It gets really frustrating and lonely. You are certainly not alone. Sending peace.
 

AnyMouse

Registrant
I have been there too, you are not alone. Manipulated is right, rest and stay close to the one you love. I struggle with the same problems. Most of the time I can't finish when I try to make love to my wife. It causes hurt feelings and jealousy and makes feel ashamed that I desire things and this woman is there to love me and I do love her too. It has been a struggle for years when I would cry out that I just wanted to be hetero and all of this confusion to be gone out of my head. Hang in there and if you do act out, we've all been there too.

AM
 

flying

Registrant
@flying I have been struggling with acting out in chat rooms. I have not acted out I have just glanced at topics here I can deal with and sit in chat here for a moment or two. I don't have a partner and I'm under a lot of stress and I know why I struggle and it helps that in here other people understand and don't judge me.
Thanks FA, I appreciate it
 

flying

Registrant
I go thru periods of acting out in chatrooms, while masturbating and watching porn. It gets really frustrating and lonely. You are certainly not alone. Sending peace.
Thanks JoeNE, you are right, it does get very lonely. That's one reason I am talking about it instead of doing it, because I don't want to feel that loneliness and shame.
 

flying

Registrant
I have been there too, you are not alone. Manipulated is right, rest and stay close to the one you love. I struggle with the same problems. Most of the time I can't finish when I try to make love to my wife. It causes hurt feelings and jealousy and makes feel ashamed that I desire things and this woman is there to love me and I do love her too. It has been a struggle for years when I would cry out that I just wanted to be hetero and all of this confusion to be gone out of my head. Hang in there and if you do act out, we've all been there too.

AM
Thanks AM, I'm sorry you have to deal with this too. It's hard to have so many different feelings and escaping in chatrooms just makes it worse. I haven't acted out in 2 years, and I am grateful for that.
 

flying

Registrant
I want to share some affirmations I am telling myself: I am a good person, I deserve to be happy, my sexuality is a gift from God, I can take care of myself, however I feel is normal for me. It's hard to say these things when I'm down on myself, they feel fake. But I know they are true.

Another thought, when I get full of shame I get more sexual. Or I focus more on sex and sexuality, and feel like I should be having sex all of the time.

I also realize that when I have feelings like fear, discomfort, stress, shame slips in and becomes the dominant feeling. I'm trying to feel these other feelings and not go straight to shame. It's so I ingrained in my head, it just happens automatically.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
It's so I ingrained in my head, it just happens automatically.
Like so so much of the way we function in dysfunction - learned it in an effort to survive what was happening and so very very difficult to let go and unlearn when we finally let the big secret out.
 

flying

Registrant
I also want to say that with my wife, I felt happy and so much love from her. It freaked me out. Letting go and allowing myself to be happy or feel good is scary. Shame is a way I stay in control, it's such a familiar feeling.
 
I also want to say that with my wife, I felt happy and so much love from her. It freaked me out. Letting go and allowing myself to be happy or feel good is scary. Shame is a way I stay in control, it's such a familiar feeling.
I totally understand this. Sex is so triggering for me, even if at the same time it makes me feel happy and connected.
 
Definitely appreciate the comments about shame Flying... it can be so brutal, living in shame. The shame leads me to act out and acting out produces elation for a moment but shame forever... or at least that is what it feels like. I muse sometimes that addictions are "shame induction" mechanisms. We can try to control the acting out behavior but a more effective response is to unpack what lies beneath the shame. Those of us who come to this site know we've been sexually abused and have the opportunity/burden of unpacking all of that as part of our healing. And we find within the abuse a belief that it was our fault and that the fact it happened proves there is something wrong with us... which, of course, sounds a great deal like SHAME. And none of it is true! It seems our work is finally accepting we're not the piece of shit we always thought ourselves to be... in which case we might be worth self-care. From this place we have no need to keep creating shame. In fact, we will want to do everything we can to demonstrate for ourselves and the people in our lives that we are worthy of love. This seems to be the work of a lifetime... something we do imperfectly, but keep doing nonetheless. And here we need all the support we can get. Thanks everyone!
 

SubtleStuff

Registrant
HI Flying,
Thanks for sharing your struggles with shame. I've been struggling with this recently too. I found that even though I feel shamed by the people around me (for being unable to participate in work, the normal "mating game" and most social settings and being very physically weak, I also shame my body (and my inner child that seems most strongly connected with it) for not being healthy.
I want to share some affirmations I am telling myself: I am a good person, I deserve to be happy, my sexuality is a gift from God, I can take care of myself, however I feel is normal for me.
I've been using: You (my body/inner infant) are worthy of my protection, my attention, and my support. You are worthy of belonging with me (I have struggled with strong suicidal impulses in the past) and my love.

This seems to be helping. I hope you find it of interest to you.

Cheers,

Garth
 

flying

Registrant
Thanks for the support everyone. I am sinking into depression, trying to battle it. It completely changed my perception of reality. It's hard to talk about these issues with other people.
 
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