Shadows
Mike Church
Registrant
What was and what could have been.
What will be and what could.
I am surrounded by these shadows. At times they overhwhelm me. Not only my shadows but those of others. There seems to be no end to them.
When I see a child happily and obviously engrosed with a care giver; the laughter the delight of both; the bonding and the love I am haunted by the shadow of my past. The terror, the pain and the low sense of worth. I am so happy for the child and am also terribly jealous of that child. The shadow of what could have been for me invades my counscious and the frustration of knowing will never happen is soo soo painful. No matter what I cannot achieve what that child has. My time for that is past forever. I rage against it but it is futile.
When I see a child being physically or mentaly being abused and can see the terror lines and sense of futility in the childs eyes I want to kill, yes kill, that caregiver. Do they not know what they are doing. I see the shadow of the future for that child and I rage against the seemingly not caring how that child turns out. The emotional and physical scars will follow the child through life. The shadow of what could be for that child haunts me because I know that there is yet another victim to be wounded and possibly healed. But the pain is almost unbearable for me.
When I see young men bonded together in obvious affection and cameraderie the shadows are terrible for me. The obvious love that is shared between brothers, expressed in their eyes and character. The cameraderie among young men who are comfortable with themselves and each other brings to me a shadow so vast and hurtful about what was for me that I should cry but cannot. There is a sense of futility in it for me. My time is past and I can never have it. But the longing is like a drug. I am so jealous for what they have. The anger and rage is unbearable. The shadow of what could have been I cannot bear to see. Because it can never be. How can I be whole.
When I see partners so obviously in love. Who have the joy in thier eyes for one another and who share the good and the bad together I become soo soo angry and jealous. The shadow of what was for me is like a slimy blanket trying to smother me. The re-enacting, the lying are the worst parts of that shadow. I have a sense of futility about it. My partner has been with me for 36 years. Did she deserve it? No she did not. Can I change it? No I cannot. I should cry but I cannot. I rage against myself for being what I was and what I have done.
The shadow of what could have been is just to unbearable to see. But it invades me like a sword aimed at the total me. It should have been but cannot. Am I to meet my maker as a broken thing who was not worthy of redemption? I honestly do not know?
When I look areound me at MSORG I see so many shadows that they overlap and are like an evil cloak that clouds are thinking and our relationships; in fact everything about us. And we struggle and rage and pursue that which we do not have and for that I am thankful. Because of the total I can have faith and a sense that the shadow of what can be will come true for us all.
I will try and send all these shadows where I am trying to put my SA; in that garbage dump labelled "No Longer Required". Can I do it? I do not know. And that my brothers is the absolutely WORST SHADOW OF ALL
What will be and what could.
I am surrounded by these shadows. At times they overhwhelm me. Not only my shadows but those of others. There seems to be no end to them.
When I see a child happily and obviously engrosed with a care giver; the laughter the delight of both; the bonding and the love I am haunted by the shadow of my past. The terror, the pain and the low sense of worth. I am so happy for the child and am also terribly jealous of that child. The shadow of what could have been for me invades my counscious and the frustration of knowing will never happen is soo soo painful. No matter what I cannot achieve what that child has. My time for that is past forever. I rage against it but it is futile.
When I see a child being physically or mentaly being abused and can see the terror lines and sense of futility in the childs eyes I want to kill, yes kill, that caregiver. Do they not know what they are doing. I see the shadow of the future for that child and I rage against the seemingly not caring how that child turns out. The emotional and physical scars will follow the child through life. The shadow of what could be for that child haunts me because I know that there is yet another victim to be wounded and possibly healed. But the pain is almost unbearable for me.
When I see young men bonded together in obvious affection and cameraderie the shadows are terrible for me. The obvious love that is shared between brothers, expressed in their eyes and character. The cameraderie among young men who are comfortable with themselves and each other brings to me a shadow so vast and hurtful about what was for me that I should cry but cannot. There is a sense of futility in it for me. My time is past and I can never have it. But the longing is like a drug. I am so jealous for what they have. The anger and rage is unbearable. The shadow of what could have been I cannot bear to see. Because it can never be. How can I be whole.
When I see partners so obviously in love. Who have the joy in thier eyes for one another and who share the good and the bad together I become soo soo angry and jealous. The shadow of what was for me is like a slimy blanket trying to smother me. The re-enacting, the lying are the worst parts of that shadow. I have a sense of futility about it. My partner has been with me for 36 years. Did she deserve it? No she did not. Can I change it? No I cannot. I should cry but I cannot. I rage against myself for being what I was and what I have done.
The shadow of what could have been is just to unbearable to see. But it invades me like a sword aimed at the total me. It should have been but cannot. Am I to meet my maker as a broken thing who was not worthy of redemption? I honestly do not know?
When I look areound me at MSORG I see so many shadows that they overlap and are like an evil cloak that clouds are thinking and our relationships; in fact everything about us. And we struggle and rage and pursue that which we do not have and for that I am thankful. Because of the total I can have faith and a sense that the shadow of what can be will come true for us all.
I will try and send all these shadows where I am trying to put my SA; in that garbage dump labelled "No Longer Required". Can I do it? I do not know. And that my brothers is the absolutely WORST SHADOW OF ALL