shadows under the door

shadows under the door
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
when my abuser was not beating or molesting me he kept me locked in a small closet,the only sign of the outside world was a small bar of light under the door.that 1 inch gap between the door and the floor became my only link to outside and my early warning system .i could lie on the floor and see shadows of movement ,i could see feet sometimes bare sometimes with boots ,oh those damn boots hurt so bad ,when i was not passed out from drugs and booze ,they would force me to take pills and drink,or beaten unconcious i would watch his feet and pray they didn't come to the door ,but sooner or later they always did .if i knew he was comming i could be ready when he opened the door ,the light was so bright i could not see him if i was standing he would knock me down so i stayed down till he dragged me out,why is it that the closet was where i wanted to be ? the only place i felt safe the only place where the pain didn't stop but at least it wasn't being made worse when i was in foster it got me kicked out of two placements ,if i got scared or mad i would hide in the closet ,this went over real big with foster parents one family even made me sleep in a locked room away from their kids they were afraid i would molest them!!!!i was only 14 for christs sake !when they found me in the closet that was it c ya later kid . i don't understand why a dirty stinking closet would be the place i wanted to be , sometimes i would be there 3 or 4 days straight alone bleeding in the dark ,he would open the door shove a plate in and i would eat in total darkness ,did you know with some stuff you can't tell what your eating if you can't see it ,sorry if i sound like an idiot i'm kinda new at this talking thing shadow
 
Shadow,

I wept as I read your post.

Morning Star is sooo correct in what he says.

Just write, my friend. We'll listen. Let it all out. All the pain, fear, anger. We'll listen and we care.

((((((((((((Shadow))))))))))))

John
 
Shadow,

I am so sorry to see your story. It seems there is no end to the possibilities of cruelty in the world.

You are not an idiot at all. It takes genuine courage not only to get through what you have endured, but also to emerge from silence and talk about it, and especially to do so at such a young age. Well done, bro.

At some point you may want to seek professional help to deal with your abuse. I would certainly suggest that you go that way if you can; it will take courage, but I know you have that already. Your T will help you to understand why you felt and acted as you did, but please do take this to heart: a boy who has been brutalized and mistreated as you have been will reshape his vision of how the world is, and he will do that in order to survive and get from one day to the next.

You will hear this a lot here, so here it is for the first of many times: none of this was your fault. Don't take responsibility or blame yourself for what a monster has done. Talk about things as you can. We are here for you and this is a safe place. As Morning Star so beautifully puts it in his signature line, together we will become the light that you were so cruelly denied.

Much love,
Larry
 
do you think maybe i should go to the unmoderated forum and just let it all out ? i am scared to do it but i can't keep it all in me anymore . i have about a million questions and no answers can somebody tell me what happened to me i mean inside, just feels rotten in there.you guys may be sorry you ever told me to let it out how did i get from a normal little kid to the screwed up scared person i am now. shadow
 
Shadow, I told someone else here recently that it's OK to let it all out. Just go for it, Bro. Collectively we have big shoulders here and we can help you carry the load my friend.

What Larry said is 100% correct. None of this was your fault. You were still a innocent child when this all started for you. You made the best of it you could and learned coping skills that helped to protect yourself from some of the hurt while all the bad stuff was happening. Unfortunately those same coping skills also ended up hurting you and keeping you prisoner to the shame and all the other crap that your abuser dumped on you. Finding a good source for counseling would be a good option if you haven't already done so. The Therapist can help you sort out and place the proper perspective on the things that have happened and continue to happen in your life.

Most of us here have faced taking that step of seeking professional help. It was really scarey for me. I wept through the first session, but it was the best choice I ever made. The T can help you find the answers to all those questions.

Also, Shadow, keep coming here and talking. We want to help too. One of the great things about this place is that we know how much it hurts and we can help each other face the hard times that come.

Take care of you, Shadow. You're a very special guy. The only one of you there is.

Courage Bro,

John
 
ShadowKid,

You see shadows underneath the door...
I hear music. 70's Rock-and-Roll music, as I was tortured/molested. I still can't stand to listen to such music (which I once loved), w/o being triggered right back to that horrible time...

Bring-out your pain. As much as you can tolerate. No one here will gainsay you for doing it.
We might even be able to help you with your Healing Path for doing so.

Whicker
 
I sit here reading your post, my little toco bell dog on my lap. She is licking my tears away. I don't know why I tell you about her, maybe it is because I whant to be there for you like she is for me. let it all out my friend. I will look for your posts and think good thoughts for you and hopefully help you with your heavy load.

Hang in there friend and keep writing. Writing is one of the things that helped me most when I first started down this road.

Darrel
 
Shadowkid,

I posted to you on another thread concerning your effort to tell your story, so I will just add a bit here.

DO tell it bro! Just let it out! Yes, it is a risk to tell what happened, but everything in life that is worth having involves risk. You are safe here, and if you can post your story you will see that it is worthwhile trusting again. No one here will judge you. Have a look at the stories of others who have posted before you, and you will see that you are not alone.

Much love,
Larry
 
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