Shadow memory

Shadow memory
About 20 years ago I was sitting with my wife in my parents den looking at pictures of me as a kid. We came across a camp picture of me with my bunk and counselors. The picture was partially mutilated the face of one of the counselors was gouged out with a pen. My wife asked what happened to this picture?
Did something happen in camp? I just totally shut down I was frozen, I went up to my room and didn’t want to talk or move. My wife was very scared and didn’t know what to do. I just laid there with out moving for hours.
Fast forward when I started therapy and started to unpack the past and all the layers of abuse I told my therapist about this event and that something happened at that camp with that counselor but couldn’t remember. Well last night I was talking a shower and the “Shadow memory” exploded in my head. I remember everything. I can’t share it right now but will. I’m kind of in shock numb. I cried all night on and off. Truly I’m just making sense out of it. I understand why I didn’t remember it was horrific. It also was the catalyst that introduced me to the house of horrors.
I am overwhelmed and totally numb. Can’t really feel anything right now. I guess that is my mind and body protecting me.
 
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I'm sorry for what you went through at summer camp. I hope for your eventual healing from this trauma.
 
Bluesky -

I am so sorry to hear that this memory has caused you such pain and shock. I can relate, as many repressed memories resurfaced while I was in therapy, and coincidentally, often while I was in the shower.

If I can offer one small encouragement, it is this - that once I started to regain my equilibrium, I was able to start to deal with some bad stuff that I had not been able to address before because it was too deeply buried. As difficult as it was, it was almost a relief to know what I was trying to overcome instead of just groping in the dark.

Several people have told me that our unconscious minds keep traumatic memories from our consciousness until we are ready and able to handle them. That might be hard to believe right now, but it does sound hopeful.

please stay in touch.
Lee
 
Bluesky,

As painful as it is, in the long run remembering is good.
Please get and accept all the support you can right now.
As Lee said, you are ready and capable of handling it now. We are here for you.
If you can, write, no one needs to ever read it.
It doesn't need to make sense, just let it fly.
Most importantly, be especially kind and compassionate to yourself.
 
I want to thank everyone of you that has answered my post and all those that have read it. I am strengthened by your compassion and kindness.

The interesting thing about this part of the journey is that last Friday I was in the shower and had a different kind of inner revelation. A revelation of inner goodness and healing.
I had my weekly session with my therapist on Wednesday and I was telling him about it and he encouraged me to right about it so I did.
This is what I wrote.

“I really shouldn’t be here writing this.

I shouldn’t be sitting in my office contemplating my life at all.

The possibilities that were before in my past and up until very recently.

Dead at the hands of Brian

Continued as his or others fuck boy

Strung out on drugs or alcohol

Dead at my own hand

Alone no wife and kids

Abusive

Careless

Homicidal

Homeless

Yet I am a miracle I have beat the odds. I am the complete opposite of the statistics of what I am supposed to be.

I am both successful as a husband, father, brother, son, as a healer and in business.

I am a caregiver and support for many.

I am a living miracle!!!!

I am a living miracle!!!!

The odds are totally against me. I have found a way in the darkness even when I find no way out I persevere and get through. I believe in the hope that I can make a difference in the world in my life and the lives of others.”

Later that day I started experiencing pain in my low back and then it progressed to include my tail bone , anus, and penis. This has happened before but only when I am dealing with negative memories and flashbacks. I was kind of confused to why I was in pain. But now I understand, I understand that my body and mind finally felt safe enough to let me know the details to let me speak. I have cycled through a spectrum of emotions since Friday night. Sadness, anger, anxiety, confusion, disassociation, feeling that I should end it all. But I have remembered that I’m a miracle. A survivor an anomaly. I could and will get through this. I’m still in pain and very sad but not hopeless.

The Shadow memory.
I was I was 9-10 years old. I was at a summer sleep away camp for my second summer.
I loved that camp so I always said.
I was taken led with another boy to a shed or small bunk in the woods. It was my counselor and 3 other staff members. I don’t remember who the others were or the other boy.
We went in and I remember that I was face down on a mattress naked. I was being raped, they were talking turns with both of us. I don’t remember much of anything else. Until this Friday I knew that something happened but never had these details. It was sad and frightening to be gang raped. I am crying right now. I have to stop.
Thank you guys.
 
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(((Bluesky)))
I want to yell it with you till the earth shakes: you are a miracle! And so much more
I am so sorry they did that to you. How can people be so cruel? I am so happy you’re little boy trust you to let you remember. You fought hard to earn that privilege, and he has chosen wisely.
 
How can such beauty emerge from such pain? I'm sitting here crying over your pain bluesky, over all of our pain. And you are a miracle, as we all are. We're here to tell the story of suffering and the marvel of healing that is possible though surely not inevitable. All the feelings you describe are there including the wish to end it all. But then you/we remember the gifts we have to offer those whom we love, to those men who come here filled with shame who feel overwhelmed by what happened in the past. So we tell each other the truth, the painful, shameful truth as we find the strength to take another step into aliveness. We must walk through the pain... there is no other way to do this.

((((bluesky))) I wish I could give you a real hug, that I could share with you real tears. We're not alone any longer. We can support one another to heal. Thank you for sharing this horrific and wondrous moment...

We'll not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and will know peace... The Promises.
 
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I want to yell it with you till the earth shakes: you are a miracle! And so much more
As I was laying in bed yesterday, I was thinking of an imaginary seen where I am surrounded by my family and friends speaking in front of a large audience. I was telling my story, I was telling the story of pain,shame and all the darkness. The story of my survival and recovery.
The miracle of my life! The story of my freedom and will to overcome! My life story is one of deep pain and suffering, but the joy I find in my life this day, this moment puts a smile on my face. The joy of my grumpy kids in the morning!! I am blessed in this moment and time. The past is my past but it is in the past to morn and lament, I have returned to self.
I share this hope for today, tomorrow is on the horizon.
Thank you my friend.
 
((((bluesky))) I wish I could give you a real hug, that I could share with you real tears. We're not alone any longer. We can support one another to heal. Thank you for sharing this horrific and wondrous moment...
I would take the hug and compassion that you share. I am not alone.

We'll not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and will know peace... The Promises.

I believe this is from the Big Book.
It is a truth. I believe that my reluctance to accept the past and my denial of self compassion was a big block to moving forward. I understand that it had to be that way until the time came for me to bud and blossom. It’s a painful process, it’s not like the buds of the flowers in my garden that are beautiful from the moment they come forth. It’s a process of ash and filth that gives birth to something that is unlike its self. A metamorphosis from base elements to a structure of beauty and resilience.
Thank you for your kindness and compassion.
 
Bluesky, you inspire me. Thanks for talking about the pain and the hope.

As someone who has struggled to remember more detail, I firmly believe that memories emerge only when we are capable of dealing with them. It's not easy, but you can do this. You are amazing and, yes, a miracle.
 
Blue sky you are truly a miracle - a true Phoenix rising above that camp with those evil counselors. Truly a Phoenix miracle and I’m glad you are back in touch with your own grumbling off spring.
 
Dear Bluesky - Words cannot convey my heartfelt prayers
I hope this song may be a source of inspiration and strength
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Hi guys.
I really want to thank you all for your compassion and caring. I took this last week off. I am heading back from my vacation today.
I am processing through this stage of my journey, it’s not easy but I am moving forward.
 
Anyhow, can I just say how inspired I am by your positive and hopeful writings above, in the face of such an immense thing to have to deal with.
Your kind words bring tears to my eyes.
It’s been a journey and mainly a miracle beyond my understanding. I believe in hope for each and every one of us and all that have suffered.
 
bluesky,
Your bravery to step into journey is inspiring. The wisdom and kindness you travel with are powerful reminders to us all, the pain, fear and anger is worth this destination.
Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
 
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