Sexualizing the abuse - what about me? **trigger warnings**

I have only been on this forum for less than a week; however, my Healing Journry has been over 20 years so far. The Neverland documentary brought me here, as it brought up SOOOO many insights into my own struggles.

Reading the many posts on this forum, I noticed a common theme: Many of our sexual struggles, fantasies, and obsessions seem to parallel the abuse we experience. Somehow that horrible experience(s) became burned into our psyche and became sexualized. It become the object of our own sexual desires - however "messed up" that seems, it is still overwhelmingly true.

For many of you, the abuse involved your own genitalia. You have at least some clear memories of what happened and how some of it, at least physically, was occasionally enjoyable.

My abuse, however, happened when I was only a toddler. I was about 3 years old. My father would get mom drunk so she would pass out and not know what was going on. He would then get me to drink beer (sippy cup) - hoping I would get too drunk to remember. He would then force Oral Sex on me - pleasuring himself in my tiny mouth and throat. His entire weight (250+ pounds - he was a large man) engulfing my small 3-year-old body. I was immobilized. Completely helpless. I could not move.

This happened multiple times, multiple nights. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of times. I was not his only victim. He did the same thing to his 4 younger sisters when they were little. He may have done it to my 2 older sisters and his younger brother - I do not know.

Now... how has that been sexualized into my own psyche? Like so many of us - it did! For many years I got addicted to porn, and then became fascinated with BDSM porn. Especially the bondage part. My focus then turned to any kind of immobilization: Full Body Casts, Mummification, Cling Wrap and Duct Tape. There are, like any perversion, tons of material out there.

When I was at college (before this porn addiction - and before I remembered the abuse), I started acting out some of these immobilization desires. Wrapping myself up in a blanket. Wrapping myself up with duct tape.

Looking back, I experimented the same way in middle school. I would use Crazy Glue. Glue my feet to my desk in my bedroom. Glue my penis to my leg.

I would fantasize: Imagining the boys who bullied me would be duct-taped to a tree - unable to move.

I remember once, in high school, I was riding an activity bus back home. It was a long ride - dropping kids off at their homes all around the county. Many of us were rough-housing, goofing off. 1 boy, about my age, was getting tickled by several girls. They held him down "let's pants him!" While still tickling him and holding him down, they started to work down his pants - enough to expose pubic hair. He finally got them to stop, but I was horrified! What if I was next? Thankfully they stopped that game and moved on to something else.

Even in elementary school, I remember watching an episode of "Emergency" (yes, I am that old). There was a guy who's girlfriend was an artist and made a mixture of plaster and Elmer's Glue and plastered the boyfriend - naked - onto a chair - in the same position as "The Thinker." The plaster mixture hardened and then she couldn't figure out how to get him free. That is when she called the fire department for help. (and these were all based on TRUE stories) This vision of seeing the man immobilized in a chair fascinated me. It touched my core.

Fast forward to adulthood. The fantasies and porn addiction became worse. About 5 years ago, I was being sent, by my job, to a week-long training in another state. Company has many small offices across the country. We got a contact list of all who would be attending. We started to IM each other to get to know each other beforehand. I ended up striking up a friendship with 1 of the other participants. We had a lot in common. Both Christian men, both married. He started to divulge his own SSA. I did too. We then shared our hearts, our struggles in our marriages. He too was a victim of CSA. At the training, I was very clear that I wanted clear boundaries so that nothing would happen. No exchanging room numbers. No physical contact. We would only meet in public places. Nothing physical happened between us that week, but we got to know each other and our struggles a lot more. We continue to IM each other for the next two years. The messages became more and more sexual. We were both struggling in our marriages, both marriages were sexless. Both more due to our wives not wanting that, than any lack of desire on our part. We began talking about looking up, meeting in some mutual Place, perhaps some halfway point, since we were several states away from each other. We talked about what we would be willing to do with and to each other. He have had many experiences with other men as an adult. Some consensual, some less so. I have had none other than the very brief sexual assault by a minister when I was 20. That went no further than touching. I told him what I would be willing to do and willing to have done to me, and what the hard-NOs would be. I truly wanted to indulge in the immobilization fantasies that have been haunting me all of my life. He said, he was not into any of that stuff personally but would be willing to do it to me, if that's what I wanted. We continued to plan, but nothing ever was finalized. He then mentioned that he was finally leaving his wife and going fully into being gay, and following that path. Around this same time, I knew I needed T again, to deal with all of these issues even more than I had in the past. We decided to break things off and to promise to keep what we had shared with each other a secret. We will check in with each other from time to time, but the texting relationship eventually vanished.

I went back to T. I started working through this, admitting to the fascination. Over 2 years, my T help me through my issues and obsessions. I was able to break the habit of pornography. However, the fantasies still remain. They haunt me daily.

This is the first time I have verbalized most of these obsessions to anyone, including any Ts.

I hope this helps others who were abused as Toddlers and may have similar struggles. I know just getting all of this out and sharing all of this with other men is very helpful to me on my Healing Journey.
 

Chris4TheMill

Registrant
NC,

I am so sorry all this happened to you and I imagine it must have been hard to share all that. While reading your story I was curious, how were you able to find out about your father abusing his 4 sisters? That seems like something they would have preferred to keep hidden.

Otherwise, Congratulations for breaking the cycle of abuse.

Chris
 
how were you able to find out about your father abusing his 4 sisters? That seems like something they would have preferred to keep hidden.
I am the youngest of 3. 2 older sisters. My eldest sister, while I was still in college, got married to what turns out was a very abusive husband (also why I now suspect she was abused by my father, too). She finally got counselling to get out of the relationship. He was way too possessive to allow that to happen. He started stalking her and it ended up in a murder-suicide. She was only 25.

At her funeral, our father showed up. He acted like a total asshole. 2 of my aunts, (his 2 sisters) were also there. They saw how much of an asshole he was being. After the funeral, we all walked down from the gravesite back down to the parking area. My mother and I were right behind the 2 sisters. We could hear everything they said... (in birth order: lets call the sisters - S4-oldest, S3, S2, & S1-youngest). the sisters at the funeral were S4 & S2. S3 had died in a car crash decades before. S1 was not able to attend the funeral.

S2 & S4 were commenting on what an asshole their brother (my father) was being. S4 said to S2: "Did you know, when we were little, our brother raped both me and S3?!?!"

S2: "I had no idea, but when we were little, he also raped both me and S1!!!"

Both mom and I heard all of this. Had no idea how to process this Truth Bomb.

Fast forward several years. I am now married and have our first child. I first started dealing with the fact that I was abused. Suspecting I was abused by my father, but had no proof. I remembered what had happened at the funeral, but just assumed it was "basic" vaginal rape, but the memories I had were just of forced oral. I contacted S1, talked about what happened at the funeral. By this time, S4 had committed suicide. Only 2 sisters left. I mentioned what was said at the funeral. S2 had told her. She was closest to S4, though. I told her what I was starting to remember. She said that she had no memories of the abuse, but she was told by S2 that it did happen. S4 also later told her of what had happened. all confirmed the same method being used - force oral.

Bingo. I had confirmation. I knew it was my father. He was the perp!
 
Hey NC,
thank you for posting this and taking the risk in talking about your trauma related fantasy.
You are not alone and i am sure this will help other guys who are struggling with trauma related addiction.
Keep up the good work!
 

genedebs

Registrant
Hello Kal,

Your struggle seems to me to be in two parts. First is your fantasy. Being immobilized is a desire to reenact
your experience when you were a toddler. This also relates to your SSA because you present forced oral
In a way that requires your father's penis as the method of violation. The reenactment of the trauma may not
be a source of your sexual desires. There is the possibility that your sexual desires are apart from the reenacting
It seems to me that your sexual desires may involve oral stimulation, that have not realized and would be
more likely to be desired with or without the immobilization fantasy. Many of the SSA ideas relate to sexual participAtion rather than the reenactment of the immobilized fantasy. There is no incorporation of sexual acts in the immobilization.

Of course I may be wrong, it just seems like this to me. The specific sexual desires may be expressed in hetero sexual
behavior and would not necessarily require SSA, WHILE the immobile process requires the masculane perpetrator. The emphasis on the reenactment is not infused in your description of your memory.

I hope this perspective is helpful to your healing journey.

May God grant you peace.
 
Hi NC

Thanks for sharing all of this it show you are a courageous man. I am sorry for all you have been sharing. I hope it is helping you to get all this out of you.

Take Care
Esterio
 

Hoping

Registrant
Thanks for sharing this Kal. I am still struggling with SSA ow intensed do to recent trauma. Seems like we retreat to what in a twisted way comforts us. But it’s only momentary. Being a recovering alcoholic I know I can trade one addiction for another. So haven’t been to a meeting in awhile but sober for some time now better to get back int that grove
 
Thanks for sharing this Kal. I am still struggling with SSA ow intensed do to recent trauma. Seems like we retreat to what in a twisted way comforts us. But it’s only momentary. Being a recovering alcoholic I know I can trade one addiction for another. So haven’t been to a meeting in awhile but sober for some time now better to get back int that grove
Hi Hoping

Yes getting back with the program is a good idea. AA for my friends that go is a way of life for them now I have known people that have been going for 35 to 45 years or so go every week to meetings. They tell me it is there life now and it has become something bigger than drink. they continue to go as I think they always feel it is close and never want to go back to where they were before AA.

Good luck on your healing journey. I also thing when you go to something like AA it is a commitment to sharing with other and helping others along the way that maybe struggling.

Peace be safe
Take care
Esterio
 

Hoping

Registrant
Hi Hoping

Yes getting back with the program is a good idea. AA for my friends that go is a way of life for them now I have known people that have been going for 35 to 45 years or so go every week to meetings. They tell me it is there life now and it has become something bigger than drink. they continue to go as I think they always feel it is close and never want to go back to where they were before AA.

Good luck on your healing journey. I also thing when you go to something like AA it is a commitment to sharing with other and helping others along the way that maybe struggling.

Peace be safe
Take care
Esterio
Thanks for that Esterio, I still communicate weekly with my sponsor who when I did the 4th and 5th step he tossed of my CSA as just childhood curiosity. But, I have heard others in meetings discuss similar experiences of CSA. So, it's time to get back to the business of attending meetings again. Thanks for the encouragement.
 
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