sexuality

sexuality
S

sweet-n-sour

Registrant
How do we as partners/spouses cope with the confusion that accompanies the male survivor who has sexual identity issues?
On one level I realise it has nothing to do with me and being desirable, but on the other hand, my self esteem is at an all time low.
Ever since I've learned what my H's reality is; I've questioned and second guessed every aspect of myself and my relationship with H.
The heaviest burden is the fact that after therapy and working through all the surrounding issues that a different lifestyle may be H's future.
I suppose the knowing that even if I stand behind his healing; give him a solid shoulder to cry on; offer love without condition; I may not be his true life partner.
There is so very much to carry and if you'd have asked me two years ago about my marriage I would have believed there was none better in this world. I was ignorant to many things, to many truths...I guess I feel as if reality can be quite heavy.
Any thoughts?
s-n-s
 
I so relate to everything you've said here...

I too have been ignorant to many things and it seems my eyes are only just opening properly really and I AM SCARED.

My bf has only been in therapy for 6 months. During this time, he's come to conclusion he's not gay, but still worries that the reality is that he really is gay. I find it difficult to understand, and although he's chosen to stay and work through everything with me, it is a constant source of anxiety.

Last night we did actually have a small amount of intimacy, which surely must be a good sign. He is very afraid of any intimacy and now I've admitted to myself how much is missing for me. I've lost most of my confidence, so don't feel I can initiate much and he never does. I know I can work on my own confidence, but I wonder how much things will actually change and what that will mean for our future. It's kind of like I can't see it all from a clear perspective too, it's been so long since I had an exchange of real intimacy, I'm not even sure what it is any more.

Is this the kind of thing you're talking about? An intimacy issue?

It is SO hard to stand by bf in the knowledge that things may not work out between us after all. I feel like I was waiting 13 years for things to improve and found it very difficult to take the risk of waiting how many more years. Also, I now realise how depressed I've actually been all this time and how hard it is to live this way.


I realise that all this time, I wasn't being true to myself or bf, in order not to knock his masculinity/cause problems etc. He's had a free ride in many respects and I had a horrible awakening to the fact I feel completely used. I do understand it's neither of our faults. Now I can be honest and say what's the truth for myself/my own needs and we're in this new space, where things seem to be barely moving along.......I don't know what my bf needs/wants, other than he'd be happy enough to skip straight to the physical, but I can't do that anymore, so nothing much has developed yet between us.


I feel a fool for the way I've been in our relationship, but i know I have to forgive myself, as I too was very confused it seems. As for where this will go now, time will tell and that's a very heavy reality.........i think that's why I have had very strong feelings that I would rather be seperate until he knows properly who he is/what he wants. However, that's not really a possibility for me at the moment, as I have two small children and no money,


peace
Beccy
 
Beccy,

I emphasize with your need to distance yourself from your bf until he's sure he's not gay... I also know your situation w/ children/no money as mine is the same.

On one hand I would love to just get away and go off by myself and just be free of all this for a while. If we were only dating and had no children it would be what I would do in a heartbeat.

I know that if my H decides he is definitely gay, and that's only after therapy to help him sort it out, then yes, it will be the deal-breaker and somehow I will find my strength to stand on my own with my daughter. I WILL find it and it will be just fine. Hopefully we could just separate first so he can be sure that is what he wants, before we would go all out and divorce.

I am sure your bf is still confused because he might still have gay feelings for a male....due to the abuse, I imagine, but only therapy can help him figure it out for sure. I will tell my husband that if he decides he's gay, he needs to proclaim it to the world and be proud of it, own it, not hide it. He needs to choose which society he will belong in: the straight or the gay. He needs to totally own up to it and not just pine for it in secret. If a person is truly gay I think it would be easier for them to own up to it and proclaim it to others. If a person is not truly gay, I would imagine they would be very much more hesitant to integrate themselves into the lifestyle fully and without doubt.

Personally I can't ever see my H doing that, totally going over publicly to the other side. I guess time will tell.

I do believe that as long as they're in therapy there's progress. You need to know as well if you're going to be with this man or not. So you need him to find out if he's gay or not so if he IS, you can move on and find someone, a hetero man, to spend your life with. I've decided that I can definitely find someone eventually if my H does not want to be hetero anymore. Someday we will be cherished by someone.

It's just a long wait since we're romantic, caring, feeling women. I watched "Out of Africa" the other night and identified so much with Caren Blixen's character since no man she ever loved was ever really hers. She was so lonely because of it. Man, I totally got how she felt.

I've always been a romantic. But even if I find love later in life it will be ok. I loved the movie "Shadowlands" about C.S. Lewis' life, played by Anthony Hopkins. It was also a true love story in which he and Debra Winger found true love at last, middle-aged, but true love. It is a very sweet reminder for me that it does exist, and I would still take it later than never.
 
The thing is, some of the things my bf has said to me, lead me to think he indeed must actually be in love with me, as well as love me. Like he said he loves the top of my head.....surely he wouldn't feel that way, if he wasn't in love with me? I know I wouldn't feel that kind of thing for someone i was not in love with......

So, my question is, if a man with sexual identity issues due to csa is 'in love' with a woman, can all the problems of sexual intimacy be healed? Or could it still be, that he may never be comfortable enough to share that side of himself?


peace
Beccy
 
"I know I wouldn't feel that kind of thing for someone i was not in love with......" -- be careful not to project (I think that's the right term, when someone thinks that someone else thinks as they themselves do...) I know it's hard and I do it sometimes.


"if a man with sexual identity issues due to csa is 'in love' with a woman, can all the problems of sexual intimacy be healed?" -- I am sure he could be in love with a woman and still have problems due to his csa, if that helps any...because he does not willingly have problems, that is why they are problems... it is just part of being messed up by the abuse... I think he might be uncomfortable sharing if he thought you were impatient for him to heal. I also think that they can heal, yes, but it is like a lifelong thing sort of like with other addictions or behaviors, you have to be vigilant not to let yourself slide back, have to learn how to catch yourself when you're triggered and turn it around... I think it is something that will never really totally go away, but as Larry once said, it can eventually not affect your current life as much.
 
Are there any men/women here on this site who have said something like, ''I love the top of your head'' and not actually been in love with that person? I see your point about not projecting BH, and I'd be interested to know if any survivors here have said such things, but not actually been in love with that person?

About the intimacy thing BH, what I mean, is, what are the possibilities of: a survior being in love with a woman, and also being sexually attracted to her in a physical way and even after working on problems of sexual intimacy/healing, still not being able to relate in that way and coming to the conclusion they would feel more comfortable with a man? Are there any survivors here who have gone through that process and made that discovery about themselves?

It is so hard for me to trust my bf, as I've never seen that side of him. All his sexual advances have always been when he 'pounces' on me. I don't want to put him off, so I'm trying to figure out productive ways to explain that at the moment at least, I don't feel comfortable with that. It's going to take a while for me to re-gain my trust in the fact he's attracted to me as a person. Is it just different for men? In that they really would be happy enough to just go straight to being physical? Without any 'vibe' beforehand. I am so afraid that I've just let myself be used without any of the intimacy I need myself. I'm afraid he's not learned anything productive at all from being with me, and so I don't know how he views me.....


sorry to go on!


peace
Beccy
 
what happens if the day nver happens? what happens if we are stuck in the mud for the rest of our life as they are forever confused?
at what point do we say enough? how much/far do we go for another person's needs/wants?
how do we learn to be true to ourselves and be suport for them?
how do we have our needs met while tiptoeing around them and their issues?
does it ever work out?
 
kgm,

Welcome to MS.

how do we learn to be true to ourselves and be suport for them?
Click to expand...
You start today.
Your relationship is like a garden; the fruit can't grow if the weeds are choking it-- or if you have a brown thumb like me, I will use another analogy-- all that good food can't fit in your fridge if it is full of moldy leftovers :)

You need to clean it out. You can not continue to let your relationship be full of unhealthy behaviors and attitudes and just expect good ones to come in and replace them. There's no ROOM.

Think about this next part for a minute-- I am going somewhere with it. What if your relationship was never going to improve one bit upon what it is today? That is probably a troubling idea for you. Now, what are the specific things that trouble you about that? What is missing from that picture that you imagine will be included in the picture of your improved relationship? What FEELS different in that second picture?

You might be surprised at what you would not mind dealing with "in progress" if only certain boundaries were set right away. As an example from my life, I found that what I needed from my partner right away wasn't more intimacy; it was more honesty about when he was feeling unable to be affectionate rather than avoiding me, and some acknowledgment that his intimacy issues were hard on the relationship rather than having it be an elephant in the room.

Whatever behaviors you are doing that add to your resentment and feeling untrue to yourself, stop them without a debate-- just say this is what you are doing for you-- and make it clear that you will remove yourself from those behaviors when others do them.

You can love someone and still have a choice whether to stay or go. I have not stopped loving my partner for one day but once I figured out what I needed to be happy in my relationship, it was up to me to be clear with him about that, and then the rest was really up to him.
 
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