Sexuality

I'm havin real difficulty in sorting out my sexual identity. I am married with two kids and was emotionally abused. (I don't remember any explicit sexual stuff).

I am plagued with fantasizies of being punished (by men). That is the way I can have an orgasm -- at least now. My mom is crazy -- and I was the object of her affections (to the exclusion of my father -- who was aloof, scarry and depressed).

I am attracted to my wife - but have a great deal of performance anxiety - which only confirms my judgement that I'm gay. ?I am also attracted to men - first because they represent something I feel I am not - and second physcially. I think I am really bisexual. I am not a stereotypic man at all -- i hate sports - but love art etc. I walk around with a stilted view of male sexuality.

I spoke to my father about it when I was a kid and his response was "if you are that's ok -- don't worry about - people into SM have a lifestyle as well ." He also had quite a pornorgraphic collection in the basement (lots of Male dominataing females - which I saw when I was a boy). My father also told me I would have been better off as a girl that way I would have been taken care of).

Anyway, I am in therapy. I would be interested in any advice people may have about how i can go about sorting things out. I have a very limited idea of what sexuality is - extremely adolesecent - and because I don't oogle at girls - I think there is something wrong.

D.

 

[getteddie]

Dear David,
You have talked to my wife...may not know it but she is helping me ack it out to gain control. Have you tried to get your wife to help you ack it out...a lot of shrinks say that you have to ack it out. Some wives are not hard or tough enough to help. Work on her so that she will work on you! Look, I know that everyone will think that I'm nuts but aren't we here because of that?

Eddie..... [email protected]

 

[RJD]

Hi David,
What you've written sounds like a carbon copy of my own confusion. I have similar experiences with my father and my mother and what you've written sounds like covert sexual abuse that I am familiar with. I hear you have no memory of overt sexual abuse. Making pornography available to a child is abusive in my opinion. I recieved a doll for my 3rd b'day and my father's response was "No son of mine...sissy...etc." and a fight with my mom ensued. When I was little my mother would also put a bow in my hair,"cause I looked pretty"(another fight) . These and other experiences seemed to have set the stage to later overt abuse. All these experiences left me very confused about my gender. I am maried with 2 grown-up children and I have had a history of acting out sexually with men. It was a compulsion. I see my behavior now as a reaction to feeling out of control during life crises. I learned to turn my relationships with men into one I was familiar with. While not wanting to destroy friendships I sought anonymous partners for the shame I felt defined me. These issues are still confusing to me but I now want to stop shaming myself as I was taught. I want to live my own life not the one I was forced to accept. Life is a struggle. You are not alone in your painful confusion. It never seems to rest for me but over the years it has become more manageable. I feel, what is referred to as, father hunger. It is a need for me to be accepted by my own kind, men, and the need to experience loving acceptance. I never liked sports, I never felt boy enough.
Art/ creativity has always been a part of me and who I am. It wasn't until recently that I've begun to respect it as something valid. My daughters have taught me to appreciate soccer. They both rejected the sciences (their mothers skill) and they have both recieved their college degree in the Arts. I am now in a masters program in Art Therapy. One of my intent is to teach other men to value their creativity as a man.
I may write more later as I am running short of time now.
----------- be gentle with yourself
----------------------------RJD

[ 07-20-2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

 

Dear EddieGett and RJD

thank you for making me feel included by responding to my post. I'm new to the site -and posting was difficult. The difficulty I have with sex can really put me over the edge and can make me suicidal -- and at least I don't feel alone.

D.

 

[matt]

Hey David..

I too am quite artistic and struggly with sexual identity.
I was telling my fioncee the other night how I felt sometimes like a woman trapped in a man's body. I don't like sports, I don't like degrading jokes, I cry, I want to share my feelings, I don't want shallow mates I want long lasting imtimate friendships, I like to paint, I'm a performing artist and when their's groozy music on I'm the first up and dancing..

All these traits ment I always seemed to get on better with girls...

But its only lately that I've actually found guy friends who are the same as me... and weren't abused, and don't question their hetrosexuality...

My fioncee tell's me that I'm not the odd one out... every other guy is !

Your certainly not gay 'cos you like art, or 'cos you don't oogle girls...

And as you keep going to therapy you'll work out whether your fantasisies are your real identity.. or just left over abuse stuff..

For me it was just left over abuse stuff.. and the fantasies were more about me wanting to be a man and "get" some manhood, then about being gay..

So don't feel alone.. your not the only one !

Hope that's encouraging for your healing..
It really does sort itself out over time (with a lot of pain and love from others) but it's worth it in the end..

Matt