sexuality stuff

sexuality stuff
F

fhorns

Registrant
I want to hear I'm not alone. I have felt like I was a woman since the abuse happened. Never wanted or gave thought to acting out. Not an issue. But feel super inadequate as a man. Told a counsellor in college I felt like a woman, was treated like a woman. God................terrible feelings. help. Dont hurt me. Don't abuse me. Bodily sensations that I'm being invaded, forced....abused!!! FUCK!!! I hate feeling!! Too damn painful. Don't like the memory of abuse. Don't want pain minimized.

Done
 
Most, it not all of us were sodomized as a child and/or made to give oral sex to a male. I sometimes said that I was used like a woman. Well, not really. Except in rape, women are tenderly, and playfully loved by their man. They make love, not just have sex. We were not treated like a woman. WE were penetrated by a male, but it usually was not a loving act, love was not mentioned and there was no tenderness.
I have felt for years that a better man would not have let the sex abuse so ruin my whole life. That is a lie. We are the better men--the lesser men went totyally psychotic or killed themselves.
Say it like a mantra "I am a man, a real man, a man's man's and I am strong and powerful today"
I say it--and I am begining to really believe it. In fact, I do believe it so don't mess with me!
Peace brother
Bob
 
I feel a lot of it hinges on humiliation.

We were so humiliated and degraded, even if we didn't know the words or understand the feelings at the time.
And as we got older that feeling remained, and we forced humiliation upon ourselves.
Lot's of ways of doing it, acting out, cross dressing, there's such a big list.
But I think also that in the process of self humiliation we try hard to degrade ourselves to the lowest possible denominator. And at the risk of sounding sexist, possibly we see women as being that place.
This I think might be deeply rooted, almost instinctive beliefs of old stereotypes that we have in us, and hopefully later and more enlightened generations will escape altogether.
For as long as history has been recorded, and in most cultures men have been predominent, and although we know differently the change has been so comparitively recent we haven't yet fully escaped our gender stereotypes.

I was abused solely by males, but I wanted to behave like a woman, well a slut really, I wanted to "worship" someones cock - only as part of my fantasy / acting out. And I also wanted the sex acts to be degrading for me, all kinds of fantasies of X dressing, being pissed on, tied up.

Make any sense ? maybe....
Lloydy :confused:
 
sent private message to fhorns, check your profile
 
Hi Guys!
I know exactly what you are talking about. I began to dress as a girl when I was a small boy. How else could I have understood the things he did? He treated me as a girl!

Lately, at times, I can start to feel that I am a man and then the feelings get really bad. I can't hold together anymore. I want to scream and shout and shoot other men. Also the abusive situations become so terrible that I feel like I am going totally mad just thinking about it.

For a long period of time as I have really tried to work through my issues, I find that my mind is desperate for degradation. I think that the juice I drink is piss or the food I eat is vomit or shit. I resist and tell myself that it is not. This is so painful and I wonder if I ever will be able to wake up without these thoughts.

Only God can help me!

For all of you who are in this trauma, my hugs and deepest compassion!

Erik
 
fhorns,

You are not alone, sounds like a common theme here. I never called it feeling like a woman, but I totally understand not feeling like a man. I just always felt like some kind of in between freak.

Ken
 
fhorns
perhaps I was being unfair to women, or we who deal with this crap ?
Although it wasn't intended as a slur at all it might have been innacurate.
I think your description of "an inbetween freak" is a better description.
When I was at my worst, doing stuff I can barely think about, and NEVER disclosed, it was for nothing more than beating myself shitless. I have very little recollection of who I thought "I" was at the time, but your description hits the mark now.

Looking back I find it hard to imagine what I went through at my own hands, what I was dragged through by the bastards who abused me in the first place.
IT WAS THEM THAT MADE ME DO IT......

And it took 31 years to even start to realise it.
It was slow torture for me, and right now the option of inflicting it on them looks real good.

Lloydy
 
fhorns,
No, we are not alone in this. Arghilles--you got me thinking--I have 4 sisters, no brothers, so I have always assumed the reason I dressed like a girl when I was little was because I was imitating them. Now I'm not so sure! Because I always felt "less than" and did feel like a girl as a kid. I have one younger sister, and our body types were somewhat similar. When I see girls or women built like that, I find I identify--like that's really me and what I look like, and that it's really inferior. No wonder I have sexuality issues! My own body image has been quite distorted by the abuse and the messages of my growing up. I'm working on changing that, but at some deep, instinctual level, I feel like I'm really a girl, or at the very least, a male who is not as masculine as most other males, or who doesn't deserve to have a penis!
 
Funny, I was never aware of the depth and effect consciously until I remembered the abuse. For a long time I got by just playing it cool, low key, and totally unaware. Of course, I wondered at the back of my mind if there was something wrong with me, as scared as I felt with girls.
Well, I've been through it, although I don't think the worst chickens are the suicidal ones. I think it's the ones who perpetrate.
Finding the identities out there to reinforce the strong, healthy male has been a task, but it has shown me clearly that they do exist. Fortunately my father gave me some good guidelines, like education and social justice.
It's an uncomfortable feeling, that "female" zone. Martial arts can help, and volunteering in a neighborhood watch group did, as well. Learning more about the Constitution and its guidlelines and history have also given me the courage of my convictions, and the manhood that it supports. The law is on our side. Men's groups in the twelve steps have also been helpful, as in Sex and Love Addicts Anon.
 
Integrator
Helping helps....

Lloydy :)
 
The one thing that I have definately learned after coming to this place is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I have struggled with feelings of inferiority and worthlessness since I was small. I am forever intimidated by men; I have one male friend ( I cant be comfortable around men Im always on edge) even walking down the street or grocery shopping. I feel like anyone could snap next, anyone could beat and abuse me. I have to continually tell myself that im not three anymore if anyone tries to touch me I can beat their ass.
It really helps to confirm in your head your current environment. Its very confusing to be dealing with the emotions from the abuse but be here and now, in the present. i hope you can take some comfort in knowing that your not strange or wierd, that you are not alone.
 
I felt the same way as Aptrick in that after the abuse when I was 12 I was worried that anyone could snap and go psycho at any moment. Does anybody have any remedies for that feeling?
 
whether it's the same forces at work I'm not sure, but I would often get the split second feeling that the person I was talking to was going to strike me hard in the face for no reason at all. Sometimes I would even recoil sharply.
It happened with anyone, friend or stranger. And I can't think that it was something they said that triggered it either.
Maybe it was just the way they stood, moved or a look in their eye.

Hasn't happened for a while now, but it was very frequent before, and in the early stages of my recovery.

Lloydy
 
I remember that happened to me too Lloydy. The most pronounced time it happened was 15 years after my abuse and 5 years before I remembered. My wife used to say to me all the time "why do you pull away like that, I'm not going to hit you!"
 
I've never felt like a woman, but I do understand feeling like less than a man. I guess to me that doesn't equal woman because I get to see how awesome and loving and powerful my stepmom and my sisters are, and I don't think of them as less than anything because of their gender.

I was talking about this with my boyfriend, kind of being all snooty and superior saying, "I don't understand what the big deal is being around other guys. I've got tons of guy friends." And he said, "Yeah, but all your guy friends are gay." Kind of took me by surprise.

I never thought about it before, but all the guys I do feel comfortable around are gay. The group I run around with has a pretty good cross section of men and women, gay and straight, but I've never really had a straight guy that I could be close friends with. Maybe it's because I feel like they're more man than I am? I don't know. It's something I'll have to think about further, but it's definitely an issue. Straight guys kind of creep me out a lot of the time, I'm never comfortable around them, though I have no problem with straight women (or lesbians for that matter). Maybe I'm just worried they're gonna bash my head in, even though I know the guys in our group aren't like that. Just thought I'd mention it.
 
The more of this thread I read the more I think I was being very unfair to women in my earlier post.
Maybe because it's because I had so few women in my life who I care about.

I think I was looking for an example of something not male, something that embodied the feeling of being less than a complete man. Something that reflected the humiliation and subservience I felt was a normal thing in my life.
Lloydy
 
Yeah, that makes sense to me Ken--an in-between freak!

I call it not feeling, being treated like, or even being human. When anyone mistreats me, or I think they are, the first thing I usually feel, think or say is that they're not treating me like a human being.

I don't really have tendencies toward feeling like a woman, but I sure as hell don't feel like much of a man--usually! Yet I know that I am! I just gotta keep believing it and trying to live it. I think being involved with this group is gonna help quite a bit.

Thanks

Wuame
 
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