Sexuality or the lack of it

[Esterio]

Sexuality boy I have tried to figure out who I am. I have experience all kinds of sexual experiences with males and females both good and bad. I have pretty close to the same feelings around them shamed, guilty, dirty, angry and now I am devastated that I can not even be touch never mind being intimate with anyone.

The way I feel now is I have not got any idea what my sexuality is. I think I have parts of me that want different things and they seem to be at a stand off now. It depends on what age I am living at the time. I seem to mostly live in the past.

I have had two girl friends, one wife,one male lover that was I think was true love and others that weren't so loving they were mostly lusting and needing release. This is just so confusing so I have not had sex in many years now. The last time I tried it was a total failure, I had a panic attack and almost ended up in hospital. I have had some opportunity to be intimate with the same person but I could never let it happen again.

I have read a bit about it and so far nothing has helped me to see clearly who I am. I live alone and spend most of my time alone. Try to get myself out everyday. I very seldom go where there are many people unless I have to or it is my volunteer position helping with bingo at a care facility. I was going 3 afternoons per week. I have cut that back to one afternoon. So I have more time to go walking out in nature with my friend and alone as well.

Sorry I think I am straying from the topic, it all seems to be connected.

Thanks for reading my post

Esterio

 

[Sterling]

right on.
I am confused about my sexuality too.
I like being out in nature.
You got yourself. You're caring about you.

hugs.
James

 

[Esterio]

Thanks James

I have never felt I have had a healthy sex life. Never could figure it out don't know if I ever will.

thanks Hugs back
Esterio

 

[flying]

Sometimes I feel confused too, when I am in my head. When I am in my feelings I don't feel confused at all.

It's ok to be confused or not confused. We are all special.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Flying

The only problem with being confused is your never know what you should do who you should be friends and flirt with. I feel I have no sex as I don't know who I am Sexually . I tend to feel that I am gay as I have had more gay sex the straight sex, I have no luck making gay friends, heck I don't to make friends anyway so who really knows.


We are all special thank you for your response.

Esterio

 

[flying]

Being confused is frustrating. I wish you the best on your journey and I hope you are kind to yourself and non-judgmental. I say this for myself as well.

Flying

 

[i-m-Bri]

Esterio,

I'm sorry I have nothing to help you figure it out.

One thing you said that hits home is the last time you had a panic attack. I don't officially have panic attacks because I avoid intimacy at all costs. It's been well over a year since I tried. I don't have any opportunities. I think because I put out a hostile vibe.

 

[Esterio]

Bri

I have not tried in many years. It may never happen but you never know though. I would like it to happen but I won't push it. I think I have a hostile vibe that keeps most away from me. I have this no touch thing going on also

Esterio

 

[flying]

Esterio, I want to let you know that I stuff my sexuality when I am down or stressed. I am currently doing it, and it's painful. I have strong feelings, but the fear of intimacy makes me number out. But during this time I have urges to act out sexually on the internet with strangers. Why is being with strangers more appealing than being with my partner? I have fear with my partner. With strangers I feel excited. I wish it was the other way around.

I also struggle with my identity, and this is very frustrating. Sometimes I feel confident, other times confused. There is rarely a middle ground. I've called myself bisexual off and on for many years. Right now I don't want a label. I think I have internalized homophobia, so I have a fear that I'm really gay. I go through the day noticing beautiful women, then shame myself for those feelings. I just have a lot of shame wrapped up in my sexuality.

I've had many people tell me who I am, but now I'm trying to listen to myself and trust myself. It can be really confusing.

Best,
Flying

 

[Esterio]

Hi flying

Thanks for sharing. I think fear plays a big part. I also had to deal with homophobia from my Dad from a very early age he was very out spoken about what should be done to them. I thought I was gay as I was looking for boys to have sex with me at a very young age. So I think I was hiding something from them. That was his up bringing. They still preach hatred for others that are different from them sexually. I was attack by a youth leader in that church. So I have not really had much of a healthy sex life and only felt true love once. As for labels I have identified gay,straight or bi none really fit. So I kind of went N/A not applicable to me.

I don't know what will ever happen. I would like to have a loving relationship with someone before I get to old to enjoy myself.

Esterio

 

[flying]

Hi Esterio, thanks for the reply to my reply. I hope you find someone too. I am fortunate to have someone who has stuck with me through a lot of hard times, much of it related to the sexual abuse issues and sexuality issues.

Best,
Flying

 

[flying]

Also, there have been many times that I have wanted to run away from this relationship because of the emotional pain I was in. My instinct was to isolate and do shameful things and numb out. I'm very grateful that my partner loves me and has been there for me.

You deserve a partner who loves you too, and who will stick by you even during the tough times.

Flying

 

[Saleboat66]

My internal feelings everyday beautifully written, I cannot believe how “same” we can be and still not have some peace

 

[Saleboat66]

Wow, that’s an interesting point. And I need to examine that I n my own life....I’m not sure I could ever clear enough to be “ clear” so I was mixed up doubly ...does that make any sense....I’m going to really work on it....