Sexual Shaming

How do you handle sexual shaming from a partner about something you do together?

I seriously don’t understand why she says things to hurt me out of anger.

I’m a little distraught over it. My first thought is, ‘I’m NEVER doing that again’ second was self destructive...
 
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I've gone to earbuds and music with all my wife says to me. I've got bluetooth ready for any moment. I carry them with me around the house. Pandora is my app of choice, where I've built up some very good stations. I can listen for hours, and do.
 

Healing light

Registrant
I'm sorry your partner said something hurtful

My late wife she did many times. I don't want to repeat what she said

It would offen make me feel like I didn't want to go there with her
I think it's more there issue than ours actually

Well my wife had all these unrealistic expectations sex was intimacy to her

Whereas you can be intimate in so very many other ways

When myself and my current partner got in a relationship I was terrified of her expectations in that direction

Something my wife demanded and ridiculed me over my current partner asked me not to do not her thing thankfully as I think I would of been really more anxious

In fact my current relationship is totally different. We haven't had sex for the best part of a year now instead we have worked on intimacy and we have talked alot , now I'm confident to initiate the intimacy and I'm not anxious when I do but it's very much taken both of us wanting each other to be comfortable and confident to get to this point

I'm sorry this has happened to you I know how awful I used to feel

Wishing you peace in your healing journey

HL
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
SDD757

I am sorry for your pain. Partners, significant others may not understand the pain a CSA survivor endures, they think they know or understand and in many situations they do not even know of the abuse. Try talking with her, explain how you feel about her comments. If she does not know of the abuse it is your decision to tell her--would it change her remarks, change her understanding or would she be dismissive. Only you can determine what is right. You need to feel safe and understood--then the sexual experiences heighten for you and her. Until then, at least for me, the abuser was on my back and took joy away and deprived us of intimacy. I did not feel safe, I feared words and reactions. Words can be destructive. I do hope she spoke these words in privacy, in front of others can be quite humiliating.

I wish you well. Be kind to yourself and remember you are on a difficult journey to heal.

Kevin
 
When my partner says something hurtful that shuts me down, which is often, she defends herself by bringing up the times I have done the same to her in the past and how she forgave me, so she deserves no less.

On the other hand, she is trauma-free so has no idea how her words cut me to my very core. It took me years to recover after she asked me if I was gay. In many ways I'm still not over that.

It's a problem with no answer that I can see.
 
When my partner says something hurtful that shuts me down, which is often, she defends herself by bringing up the times I have done the same to her in the past and how she forgave me, so she deserves no less.

On the other hand, she is trauma-free so has no idea how her words cut me to my very core. It took me years to recover after she asked me if I was gay. In many ways I'm still not over that.

It's a problem with no answer that I can see.

@SDD757 What Strangeways said is too well known by me. I can understand where the deep pain of what's said by a partner goes to shutting down. She's indignant that she sabotaged me all my life. The sort of things said, when the opposite had been expected, becomes so numbing as decades proceed. Mine added personal property destruction as an extreme interruption of any hope.
Dashing hope became expected, and I went back to smoking pot, and drinking after my first 6 near 7 years of sobriety. The next 16 years I worked to destroy my brain, when at home. I wanted to be a zombie at home, so the sabotaging hate from her wouldn't be remembered. There was a time, before digital, that I had a Walkman tape player, with earbuds. When it was stolen, by one of my wife's nieces, I had quite a few years before I obtained a portable player again. There was no escaping her hate, property destruction and overt sabotage of my mental health. I lived in a constant state of stress, irritation, frustration, and dissociation to all that was occurring around me. I started to forget day to day necessities, and that would increase the length of her diatribes and hate. She could go on for hours, and the all night disruption of the house didn't matter to her. She has/had her method, and total war seemed her desire.

To get some relief, I had so few options. If I went off for a drive, she might/would destroy more of my personal property. She has/had no boundaries about my property, anything was used to hurt me. I would sometimes get very wound up and break something, often a chair. I don't know why I picked chairs? I would smash them on the floor. That only gave her another chance to berate me, and demand money. So, as I started to be Pavlovian trained not to break things, I would just go off and drive, and know that I chanced personal property destruction.

She does/would snoop in my things for what seemed like the latest thing I loved to have. I prolifically read and wrote poetry for about a decade, but, eventually she wrote horrible things among the pages of my notebooks and poetry books. I packed them all away, so that, if I got better, I may replace them, or whiteout that horror.

What I don't understand is sex. She had less to say about that for about 30 years, but the past decade, and especially after she asked, and I did get a vasectomy, she would call me names. I didn't see what was coming, and that was a near total cutoff of physical intimacy. The only reparation part of our relationship, was my intimate ways in bed. I was always trying to be attuned to her needs, to feel and respond to her direction. I would initiate some of whatever, but always do what she wanted, and I never asked about a lot of things I've wanted. I'm pretty sure we've not had sex for over 3 years now? Not positive, because when I started to crash from being raped 39 years prior, I wasn't present.

She's the kind to demand I be over it, and that it's all victim mentality. My son has just begun to be somewhat like that with me, and I can tell he's been talking to her about me. It's hurting a lot. My daughter wouldn't put up with that, but she also went through a phase of questioning my motives and reasons for the bad I've done. She's since forgiven me, and become a supporter. My son is the last thing my wife can weaponize. It will be a very painful blow if he continues and worsens on the path of what he's said to me the past 2 weeks. I wonder if that's connected to how my wife treats me about money. He's backed off of wanting anything to do with me, but up until 2 weeks ago would bring his concerns to me. Now, he's more worried he'll have to worry about having something paid for. My wife weaponizes that too. She'll demand he get fees from me, and when I can't (literally nothing in the bank), she'll ridicule by calling me a name she's done for years, and it's weirdly effective, she just say's "your father is poverty".

I'm sorry, this is getting too much about me, but, I was thinking this might help you share? At least with your therapist?

I don't think the pressures of this are easy, and just forming thoughts to be present during the attacks, I know is very hard to do. It's a huge drain on energy, and consumes countless wasted days, weeks, months, years and decades.
 
@SDD757 What Strangeways said is too well known by me. I can understand where the deep pain of what's said by a partner goes to shutting down. She's indignant that she sabotaged me all my life. The sort of things said, when the opposite had been expected, becomes so numbing as decades proceed. Mine added personal property destruction as an extreme interruption of any hope.
Dashing hope became expected, and I went back to smoking pot, and drinking after my first 6 near 7 years of sobriety. The next 16 years I worked to destroy my brain, when at home. I wanted to be a zombie at home, so the sabotaging hate from her wouldn't be remembered. There was a time, before digital, that I had a Walkman tape player, with earbuds. When it was stolen, by one of my wife's nieces, I had quite a few years before I obtained a portable player again. There was no escaping her hate, property destruction and overt sabotage of my mental health. I lived in a constant state of stress, irritation, frustration, and dissociation to all that was occurring around me. I started to forget day to day necessities, and that would increase the length of her diatribes and hate. She could go on for hours, and the all night disruption of the house didn't matter to her. She has/had her method, and total war seemed her desire.

To get some relief, I had so few options. If I went off for a drive, she might/would destroy more of my personal property. She has/had no boundaries about my property, anything was used to hurt me. I would sometimes get very wound up and break something, often a chair. I don't know why I picked chairs? I would smash them on the floor. That only gave her another chance to berate me, and demand money. So, as I started to be Pavlovian trained not to break things, I would just go off and drive, and know that I chanced personal property destruction.

She does/would snoop in my things for what seemed like the latest thing I loved to have. I prolifically read and wrote poetry for about a decade, but, eventually she wrote horrible things among the pages of my notebooks and poetry books. I packed them all away, so that, if I got better, I may replace them, or whiteout that horror.

What I don't understand is sex. She had less to say about that for about 30 years, but the past decade, and especially after she asked, and I did get a vasectomy, she would call me names. I didn't see what was coming, and that was a near total cutoff of physical intimacy. The only reparation part of our relationship, was my intimate ways in bed. I was always trying to be attuned to her needs, to feel and respond to her direction. I would initiate some of whatever, but always do what she wanted, and I never asked about a lot of things I've wanted. I'm pretty sure we've not had sex for over 3 years now? Not positive, because when I started to crash from being raped 39 years prior, I wasn't present.

She's the kind to demand I be over it, and that it's all victim mentality. My son has just begun to be somewhat like that with me, and I can tell he's been talking to her about me. It's hurting a lot. My daughter wouldn't put up with that, but she also went through a phase of questioning my motives and reasons for the bad I've done. She's since forgiven me, and become a supporter. My son is the last thing my wife can weaponize. It will be a very painful blow if he continues and worsens on the path of what he's said to me the past 2 weeks. I wonder if that's connected to how my wife treats me about money. He's backed off of wanting anything to do with me, but up until 2 weeks ago would bring his concerns to me. Now, he's more worried he'll have to worry about having something paid for. My wife weaponizes that too. She'll demand he get fees from me, and when I can't (literally nothing in the bank), she'll ridicule by calling me a name she's done for years, and it's weirdly effective, she just say's "your father is poverty".

I'm sorry, this is getting too much about me, but, I was thinking this might help you share? At least with your therapist?

I don't think the pressures of this are easy, and just forming thoughts to be present during the attacks, I know is very hard to do. It's a huge drain on energy, and consumes countless wasted days, weeks, months, years and decades.

Ceremony, please take care of yourself.

The behavior your wife is exhibiting is abuse, no question. There is never - NEVER - an excuse to destroy someone's personal belongings, especially something so personal as one's own poems! There is never - NEVER - an excuse for your spouse to berate you, or inflict cruelty on you!

You are deserving of love and acceptance!

I don't know what your circumstances are, but I hope you're someday able to leave your marriage and find some peace.

I was trapped in a horror of a marriage for 13 years to a narcissistic abuser; I was so wrapped up in the chaos and insanity she created that I didn't see just how much damage she had done to me until months and years after she had died.

I'm finally at a point in my recovery - and I hope someday you can be, too - to look back and marvel at what I endured. I can see now how my childhood abuse influenced both my decisions, and my appeal to someone who was looking to take advantage of another.

Please keep yourself safe, brother.
 

MACH123

Registrant
Yeah my wife does this. I'm sure I do her an equal and opposite but IDK because I don't see it? But yes it sucks, and they do it because they know it hurts.
 

Brennan87

Registrant
SDD,
You've gotten a lot of great advice and support from others on here. Without knowing you or the overall situation, gently, could there be another explanation for the situation? Could it be given your trauma and abuse, that she wasn't shaming you, it's how you perceived the situation? I raise this as someone who has had just one sexual shaming instance with my wife and part of that was not only due to her own trauma but mine as well. I recoiled not because of what she said was accurate, but I triggered. As a survivor of sexual assault, so much of my validation was from sex. Ah, they want to sleep with me, I'm worthy. He/She wants to do X, I must be good in bed, I'm worthy. Thus, when I got "shamed", I was no longer validated. I was indignant. How dare she say this. I have 99 other partners who say otherwise.
I'm not minimizing the shaming at all, just curious if you think you could be partly misreading it based on your past?
 
SDD,
You've gotten a lot of great advice and support from others on here. Without knowing you or the overall situation, gently, could there be another explanation for the situation? Could it be given your trauma and abuse, that she wasn't shaming you, it's how you perceived the situation? I raise this as someone who has had just one sexual shaming instance with my wife and part of that was not only due to her own trauma but mine as well. I recoiled not because of what she said was accurate, but I triggered. As a survivor of sexual assault, so much of my validation was from sex. Ah, they want to sleep with me, I'm worthy. He/She wants to do X, I must be good in bed, I'm worthy. Thus, when I got "shamed", I was no longer validated. I was indignant. How dare she say this. I have 99 other partners who say otherwise.
I'm not minimizing the shaming at all, just curious if you think you could be partly misreading it based on your past?
Brennan, I certainly know that instinct to question our own perceptions, but I believe in Ceremony's example he is without a doubt being abused. Is it possible HE is triggering her as well? That's certainly a possibility (considering he's broken chairs in response, I don't believe this is a healthy relationship).

However, there is never - NEVER NEVER NEVER - any justification for destroying a person's property, especially something as personal as his poems! That is classic abuse behavior, and I really hope to see him escape from this situation.

I've been there; I know how incredibly difficult it is, but her abuse will make his journey so much more difficult than it needs to be.
 

Brennan87

Registrant
A skeptical,

I agree with your assessment regarding Ceremony's situation (I hadn't read that far when I posted). It very well could be that Ceremony is triggering her as well. That's no excuse to your point for justifying her abuse. My wife verbally abused me by gaslighting me for several years; to the point I literally believed I had early onset dementia. I know without a doubt, because of my own issues (and her's) I did trigger her from time to time and it would start. Once I figured this out, I removed the triggers and it did "keep peace" for the most part, but didn't remove the abuse completely for sure.

Agree also these are difficult situations to get out of (especially if we don't recognize we're being abused) and this does compound the situation for certain.
 

MACH123

Registrant
Tit for tat behavior is natural if unhealthy. IDK a way not to do it or any relationships that aren't like that. I don't just mean intimate relationships either?

I read the other day a person said "I'm free from that." I tried to picture it. I can't.
 
TRIGGER WARNING:

I have been keeping up with this tread. I appreciate all of the advice and support. I think I am ready to share some more details about this which may be uncomfortable for some; reason for the trigger warning.
How does one know when they are in an abusive relationship? I can find tons of examples why I might be; but I think my perception of things isn’t correct.

My wife and I went to a sex therapist a few years ago. As I stated before I’m SSA and not attracted to the opposite sex. I use to think about guys when being sexual with my wife for many many years; it was the only way I could perform.

So after being encouraged by a sex therapist to stay present in mind and for us to explore. So we became rather adventurous. (Leaving a lot out here). So it evolved into oral, b&d and some age play (diapers/more explanations in other posts on MS as it is related to my CSA).

So when this happened she was in a stress eruption complaining about everything she is irritated about which included “all you want to do is lick and wear diapers.” I know people say things they don’t mean out of anger but it’s still shame inducing. Mainly because it makes me think she doesn’t really accept it or has issues with it. (I guess I’m the same way with secrets). I’ve pretty much shut down the age play where I’ve collected a lot of props over the last few years and I think it’s time to purge it. I guess some would say that that’s progress. I don’t know... but this happens every few years. It’s like the devil you know activity, it makes me feel safe and happy and has been going on since early childhood.

The oral (licking) I like some times but other times it is a way to get things over with so I don’t have to be sexual.

I know, pretty screwed up...


SDD,
You've gotten a lot of great advice and support from others on here. Without knowing you or the overall situation, gently, could there be another explanation for the situation? Could it be given your trauma and abuse, that she wasn't shaming you, it's how you perceived the situation? I raise this as someone who has had just one sexual shaming instance with my wife and part of that was not only due to her own trauma but mine as well. I recoiled not because of what she said was accurate, but I triggered. As a survivor of sexual assault, so much of my validation was from sex. Ah, they want to sleep with me, I'm worthy. He/She wants to do X, I must be good in bed, I'm worthy. Thus, when I got "shamed", I was no longer validated. I was indignant. How dare she say this. I have 99 other partners who say otherwise.
I'm not minimizing the shaming at all, just curious if you think you could be partly misreading it based on your past?
 
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I'm sorry you're having to sort trauma, sexuality+ and intimacy you've worked toward. It's sometimes uncomfortable to discuss what is going on, and especially with details that give rise to some fear of being judged. I know that's unlikely here, and perhaps questions arise and I think they'll be considerate.

I want to share that I'm mostly repressed in every way sexually; I explained in my other post of this thread how abusive my wife is/can be. I get asked too regularly if I'm gay, and my anger toward her shuts me down hard. I think, 'if I were, I wouldn't tell you, and I've been monogamous all of our marriage'. I too have wanted to explore my sexual wants, and I haven't had any success whatever. Mine have been positions, though, I have two other wants, and I stopped bringing up the 1st decades ago, the 2nd, a more recent desire, I wouldn't dare explore with her. And, to remind you, I've not had sex for about or at least 3 years. It's sometimes irritating, but most of time, I just don't give a shit.

Fantasy and having a partner who has desires we accommodate, and they somewhat won't or judge us for, is sort of a fearful place to be in my humble opinion. I don't get to have experiences, so, I'm forced to make some assumptions and surmise from anecdotal stories I've read or heard. I'm always get a bit triggered by disappointment when I read or hear others sexual satisfaction. I'm also so disconnected from same sexual experiences, it's only my trauma I know of. Attraction is different, that's there, but acts are not. I have very deep inhibitions about myself. That's why I'm pretty awkward posting on this topic. I have my ideas, but that's not much help.

I think putting shame and guilt on you because of role playing, or your dissociation during sex with her is dysfunctional, and could bring different abuse. I know projecting onto me that I'm gay, or that I've done something I never have grows old after decades. I used to be gas-lighted by those comments/questions she makes. I'm much better prepared for them now. If your wife is exhibiting projection onto you, that's emotionally abusive. We deserve to have safe discussions with partners, though, those of us who don't know anything but charged exchanges and escalated anger have different expectations after decades. Those shut me down, and if that's what she wants, I'm fine with continuing this estranged arrangement I started going near or at 3 years.

Verbal abuse can be somewhat hard to evaluate depending on tone, and word choice. My wife's tone is unmistakable, and her words are chosen to cause harm. Less obvious kinds to evaluate are things I would share to get feedback. I think that one of those for me is how she is constantly telling me I don't contribute to paying bills, buying food, or fees for our son. All of which I do, but on a half scale to what she does. That disparity is her motivation for abusing me, and she's hell bent on that. She's done a lot of harm sabotaging any hopes I once had. If something like that's happened to you, perhaps my sharing gives you some insight?
 
If only our spouses understood the huge damage they do to us with their angry words, especially around sex, which then of course irrevocably damages the relationship.

Nothing can take back words said in anger. Those are the words I remember, not the innumerable and possibly untruthful "I love yous." Those are the words I remember when my wife wants intimacy. She made her bed with those words. Sorry not sorry.
 
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