Sexual roleplay to deal with abuse “trigger warning”
Silverflake
Registrant
Hello all, this is my first post. So a short background on myself and my abuse so this makes sense:
I was regularly in the care of my abuser for years. My parents both worked long hours and I was homeschooled, so I didn't really have a way to talk to others. My family was very religious and my abuser was a member of my church. I would get dropped off at his house and end up staying there for 8-12 hours a lot of the time. I was 9 the first time he started and he conditioned me to think about what he was doing and that I wanted it. My first orgasm was while he was raping me and he used that to convince me I was his "girl". He also conditioned me to believe that while he was using me was the only way and only time I would be able to have an orgasm.
This all went on for years. I was 13 when it finally stopped, but at that time I had fully accepted his conditioning. I thought I was his special girl. What I found out was that he was abusing lots of kids. My case never came out- I never told anyone. I had to be interviewed by a psychologist and the police and I was so hurt and confused that I wasn't the only one and that he was gone. I convinced them he never did anything to me. As the case went forward I was forced to face the fact that it was rape, it was abuse, I had never been a girl. It had all been lies.
I repressed it as much as I could and became the most "manly man" I could. I started working out I did steroids in high school, I joined the military, I tried to have sex with as many women as I could. I repressed all of my emotions to the point that I was outwardly a robot. But all the time I was living a double life. Alone I was unable to make myself orgasm without using something on myself analy, and more the point I would delve down into the past and think about my abuser raping me and calling me a girl or fantasies about men raping me and making me a "bitch". After I would get off I felt more and more disgusted with myself. The cycle got to the point I would repress it till it just took over like a wave. I would drink myself to blackout, then I felt I was watching myself do and think these things. Afterward I would think about killing myself. I thought maybe I was gay or maybe I had wanted what was done to me.
I never shared any of this till about 5 years ago with my wife. She wanted to be there for me and help me but everything we tried hurt her and made things worse. I ended up repressing everything. About 3 years ago my wife got pregnant, and it was a really hard pregnancy on her and our relationship. Right after our son was born her mother passed away. She had an incredibly hard time- she started medication and through it all she lost her sexual drive. I talked to her often about feeling she didn't want me and that I needed to feel needed. It put more pressure on her and drove her away more, we started fighting non stop, we tried marriage counseling and neither of us felt it was effective at all.
A few weeks ago we had one of our biggest fights ever and we both felt like it was going to be over. I said if we didn't figure this out I was going to be done. She agreed to start trying things to figure it out. My wife is very reserved (in comparison to me) and has only ever been with a few men. She has never watched porn at all, and is very insecure with her body. She is also fascinated with sex and has a very dirty sense of humor. I have always felt that if she could crack that shell she would really be into a lot. We agreed we needed to find something to get her back into sex and we decided to try watching porn, but her by herself with both of us at home.
She didn't know where to start and didn't want to search for things so I started sending her links to videos that I thought might work. After a few hours we found that she definitely does have a kink for men fucking a woman while the husband watches. It was completely out of left field. But she was so horny after watching that she wanted me to come see her and we had the best sex in years.
All of this got me to start thinking about my abuse and the feelings I have unhealthily dwelled on for years. I felt something like that while we were watching/thinking/roleplaying this "cuckold" fantasy. I feel like in the role play I could use those mixed feelings to get past my rape and put that emotion into a relationship with my wife and then be in a safe place with her after.
Wow, that was a novel. My real question is has anyone used sexual roleplay to get over their abuse and to convert it into a healthy activity with their partner? Have there been any studies done that show how this could work out? Does anyone have experiences of success or failure trying to do this that you would be willing to share?
My wife and I are both excited about how this has jump-started our sex life and we are both really having an amazing time with each other. I have never felt more open and safe sharing with her. We really opened up talking about this and feeling safe talking about some hard subjects. I have told her more about my abuse and we are talking about the hard topics as we explore new sex and porn. We are watching each other for triggers and taking care of each other and talking them out. We have always been so afraid to offend each other, but this has opened up a line of communication where we trust the other and share (even when we think it could upset the other) and just hold each other and work it out.
That said, we are both worried about the long-term effects of this and if it could cause more damage than good. It's essentially taking some of the feelings I got with my abuser (being a "sissy") and transferring them to my wife. I feel it has to be healthier and I am hopeful, but still, I would love to hear from others.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I look forward to hearing from other survivors.
I was regularly in the care of my abuser for years. My parents both worked long hours and I was homeschooled, so I didn't really have a way to talk to others. My family was very religious and my abuser was a member of my church. I would get dropped off at his house and end up staying there for 8-12 hours a lot of the time. I was 9 the first time he started and he conditioned me to think about what he was doing and that I wanted it. My first orgasm was while he was raping me and he used that to convince me I was his "girl". He also conditioned me to believe that while he was using me was the only way and only time I would be able to have an orgasm.
This all went on for years. I was 13 when it finally stopped, but at that time I had fully accepted his conditioning. I thought I was his special girl. What I found out was that he was abusing lots of kids. My case never came out- I never told anyone. I had to be interviewed by a psychologist and the police and I was so hurt and confused that I wasn't the only one and that he was gone. I convinced them he never did anything to me. As the case went forward I was forced to face the fact that it was rape, it was abuse, I had never been a girl. It had all been lies.
I repressed it as much as I could and became the most "manly man" I could. I started working out I did steroids in high school, I joined the military, I tried to have sex with as many women as I could. I repressed all of my emotions to the point that I was outwardly a robot. But all the time I was living a double life. Alone I was unable to make myself orgasm without using something on myself analy, and more the point I would delve down into the past and think about my abuser raping me and calling me a girl or fantasies about men raping me and making me a "bitch". After I would get off I felt more and more disgusted with myself. The cycle got to the point I would repress it till it just took over like a wave. I would drink myself to blackout, then I felt I was watching myself do and think these things. Afterward I would think about killing myself. I thought maybe I was gay or maybe I had wanted what was done to me.
I never shared any of this till about 5 years ago with my wife. She wanted to be there for me and help me but everything we tried hurt her and made things worse. I ended up repressing everything. About 3 years ago my wife got pregnant, and it was a really hard pregnancy on her and our relationship. Right after our son was born her mother passed away. She had an incredibly hard time- she started medication and through it all she lost her sexual drive. I talked to her often about feeling she didn't want me and that I needed to feel needed. It put more pressure on her and drove her away more, we started fighting non stop, we tried marriage counseling and neither of us felt it was effective at all.
A few weeks ago we had one of our biggest fights ever and we both felt like it was going to be over. I said if we didn't figure this out I was going to be done. She agreed to start trying things to figure it out. My wife is very reserved (in comparison to me) and has only ever been with a few men. She has never watched porn at all, and is very insecure with her body. She is also fascinated with sex and has a very dirty sense of humor. I have always felt that if she could crack that shell she would really be into a lot. We agreed we needed to find something to get her back into sex and we decided to try watching porn, but her by herself with both of us at home.
She didn't know where to start and didn't want to search for things so I started sending her links to videos that I thought might work. After a few hours we found that she definitely does have a kink for men fucking a woman while the husband watches. It was completely out of left field. But she was so horny after watching that she wanted me to come see her and we had the best sex in years.
All of this got me to start thinking about my abuse and the feelings I have unhealthily dwelled on for years. I felt something like that while we were watching/thinking/roleplaying this "cuckold" fantasy. I feel like in the role play I could use those mixed feelings to get past my rape and put that emotion into a relationship with my wife and then be in a safe place with her after.
Wow, that was a novel. My real question is has anyone used sexual roleplay to get over their abuse and to convert it into a healthy activity with their partner? Have there been any studies done that show how this could work out? Does anyone have experiences of success or failure trying to do this that you would be willing to share?
My wife and I are both excited about how this has jump-started our sex life and we are both really having an amazing time with each other. I have never felt more open and safe sharing with her. We really opened up talking about this and feeling safe talking about some hard subjects. I have told her more about my abuse and we are talking about the hard topics as we explore new sex and porn. We are watching each other for triggers and taking care of each other and talking them out. We have always been so afraid to offend each other, but this has opened up a line of communication where we trust the other and share (even when we think it could upset the other) and just hold each other and work it out.
That said, we are both worried about the long-term effects of this and if it could cause more damage than good. It's essentially taking some of the feelings I got with my abuser (being a "sissy") and transferring them to my wife. I feel it has to be healthier and I am hopeful, but still, I would love to hear from others.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I look forward to hearing from other survivors.