Sexual roleplay to deal with abuse “trigger warning”

Silverflake

Registrant
Hello all, this is my first post. So a short background on myself and my abuse so this makes sense:

I was regularly in the care of my abuser for years. My parents both worked long hours and I was homeschooled, so I didn't really have a way to talk to others. My family was very religious and my abuser was a member of my church. I would get dropped off at his house and end up staying there for 8-12 hours a lot of the time. I was 9 the first time he started and he conditioned me to think about what he was doing and that I wanted it. My first orgasm was while he was raping me and he used that to convince me I was his "girl". He also conditioned me to believe that while he was using me was the only way and only time I would be able to have an orgasm.

This all went on for years. I was 13 when it finally stopped, but at that time I had fully accepted his conditioning. I thought I was his special girl. What I found out was that he was abusing lots of kids. My case never came out- I never told anyone. I had to be interviewed by a psychologist and the police and I was so hurt and confused that I wasn't the only one and that he was gone. I convinced them he never did anything to me. As the case went forward I was forced to face the fact that it was rape, it was abuse, I had never been a girl. It had all been lies.

I repressed it as much as I could and became the most "manly man" I could. I started working out I did steroids in high school, I joined the military, I tried to have sex with as many women as I could. I repressed all of my emotions to the point that I was outwardly a robot. But all the time I was living a double life. Alone I was unable to make myself orgasm without using something on myself analy, and more the point I would delve down into the past and think about my abuser raping me and calling me a girl or fantasies about men raping me and making me a "bitch". After I would get off I felt more and more disgusted with myself. The cycle got to the point I would repress it till it just took over like a wave. I would drink myself to blackout, then I felt I was watching myself do and think these things. Afterward I would think about killing myself. I thought maybe I was gay or maybe I had wanted what was done to me.

I never shared any of this till about 5 years ago with my wife. She wanted to be there for me and help me but everything we tried hurt her and made things worse. I ended up repressing everything. About 3 years ago my wife got pregnant, and it was a really hard pregnancy on her and our relationship. Right after our son was born her mother passed away. She had an incredibly hard time- she started medication and through it all she lost her sexual drive. I talked to her often about feeling she didn't want me and that I needed to feel needed. It put more pressure on her and drove her away more, we started fighting non stop, we tried marriage counseling and neither of us felt it was effective at all.

A few weeks ago we had one of our biggest fights ever and we both felt like it was going to be over. I said if we didn't figure this out I was going to be done. She agreed to start trying things to figure it out. My wife is very reserved (in comparison to me) and has only ever been with a few men. She has never watched porn at all, and is very insecure with her body. She is also fascinated with sex and has a very dirty sense of humor. I have always felt that if she could crack that shell she would really be into a lot. We agreed we needed to find something to get her back into sex and we decided to try watching porn, but her by herself with both of us at home.

She didn't know where to start and didn't want to search for things so I started sending her links to videos that I thought might work. After a few hours we found that she definitely does have a kink for men fucking a woman while the husband watches. It was completely out of left field. But she was so horny after watching that she wanted me to come see her and we had the best sex in years.

All of this got me to start thinking about my abuse and the feelings I have unhealthily dwelled on for years. I felt something like that while we were watching/thinking/roleplaying this "cuckold" fantasy. I feel like in the role play I could use those mixed feelings to get past my rape and put that emotion into a relationship with my wife and then be in a safe place with her after.

Wow, that was a novel. My real question is has anyone used sexual roleplay to get over their abuse and to convert it into a healthy activity with their partner? Have there been any studies done that show how this could work out? Does anyone have experiences of success or failure trying to do this that you would be willing to share?

My wife and I are both excited about how this has jump-started our sex life and we are both really having an amazing time with each other. I have never felt more open and safe sharing with her. We really opened up talking about this and feeling safe talking about some hard subjects. I have told her more about my abuse and we are talking about the hard topics as we explore new sex and porn. We are watching each other for triggers and taking care of each other and talking them out. We have always been so afraid to offend each other, but this has opened up a line of communication where we trust the other and share (even when we think it could upset the other) and just hold each other and work it out.

That said, we are both worried about the long-term effects of this and if it could cause more damage than good. It's essentially taking some of the feelings I got with my abuser (being a "sissy") and transferring them to my wife. I feel it has to be healthier and I am hopeful, but still, I would love to hear from others.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I look forward to hearing from other survivors.
 

C. E. (Chase Eric)

Administrator
Staff member
Thank you for sharing this, @Silverflake. I am certainly not a therapist and feel unqualified to do much more than simply share. I'm not sure if that will help. But the first couple of paragraphs really resonated with me. I wanted to say a few words about that first, because I think it informs my thoughts about your question.

The physicality and sexual details of your abuse were about as close to my own as any I have read here. And even though physiology explains sexual response, it doesn't explain it away. I look back on that entire mess (and that is precisely what it was) and have come to realize that while real love leads to physical connection and to sex, the opposite can also be true. The sexual physicality my abuser imposed in our relationship fed into the dependence I already had on him before it started (older boy next door who was like a big brother to me). That intensified a sort of love bond between us - for lack of better words - despite how many times I remember not wanting to do it (especially early on), and despite how inappropriate I now know it was. Eventually my "no's" were far less potent than my body's "yes'es" which I ultimately and fully surrendered to. I have read that such situations can result in a type of Stockholm Syndrome in which the desires of the abuser eventually get embraced by the person targeted. I was powerless to stop what he was imposing upon me, but found some power in meeting it. I knew that by acquiescing, he would leave the other kids alone (one of them was my younger sibling). And perhaps more importantly to me at the time, assuming a role as the Yin to his Yang assured me that I was the opposite of him, that I would therefore never become him to anyone else (which was my biggest fear at the time).

So perhaps we share a common core. While I got my wish and never became him to anyone else (thank goodness), I also never busted out of the nascent tracks of who I had to be to him. Like you, I tried having sex with girls, and even sought a "manly" military career that promised danger and intensity. But I knew deep down I never measured up to the person I was pretending to be - to the person I actually was.

I cannot imagine that whatever happens behind closed doors between fully consenting adults - even if it involves re-enacting - is really amenable to any social judgement other than the way it obviously gets that oxytocin flowing (the so-called "love" hormone that connects everything from people to purring cats). The abuse was not the act. The abuse was the lack of consent inherent between child and adult that would make such an act happen. That lack of consent is certainly not being re-enacted in your case. That is my completely heartfelt and equally unprofessional opinion, for whatever that may be worth.

I was compelled to answer this because I think it brings up a larger question. Is is wrong to embrace something as "perverse" as our abuse and retool that as adults in non-abusive sexual situations? Is it really healthy to re-enact in any way what was clearly wrong when it happened to us? There is a huge sycamore tree near the center of the small town in which I live. It started growing in square in the sidewalk where a paving stone would have been - a simple planter "square" like many others up and down that street. But this particular tree had to twist away from the side of the building next to it. As it outgrew that small square, it's roots buckled up the paving stones around it. Climbing to the sun, it devoured within it's trunk a guy wire to a utility pole that stood in its way. And despite all the obstacles, it survived, twisted, gnarled, different from the others around it. It became what it had to become. A survivor that grew around what was in its way. It stands there full. Healthy. Unapologetic.

Like that tree, you have found a way to allow yourself to spread out and breathe - not by hurting others, but simply by embracing who you had to be. I could be wrong, but to me this is not a story of concern as much as it is a beautiful story of how you and your wife have found joy by respecting each other and both reaching together towards the sun.
 

Silverflake

Registrant
Thank you so much for writing, I have never known anyone that was abused in the same way as I was it means a lot that you replied. Thank you also for your comments it makes sense to just try and grow with it.
 

kmac

Registrant
Silverflake, We live a similar lifestyle to what you mentioned ...it works well for both of us.
 
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Silverflake

Registrant
kmac thank you for your support that is good to hear. Are you using this a a way to deal with your abuse, or is this just a lifestyle that you enjoy?
 

SetecAstronomy

Registrant
I now realize I’ve been trying for many years to find a woman to help me reenact my abuse in a positive way. I was never able to find it because I was never able to fully disclose and openly talk about it.

I truely wish you and your wife luck.
 

Silverflake

Registrant
SetecAstronomy I am so sorry you haven’t found some one to support you, I will say my wife and I have had lots of ups and downs and some really dark times. Through all of this we both have just held on to each other even when we felt it was over. Find some you care for and just keep working in my experience there is nothing easy about being with some one for the rest of your life. You need to put the work in and hope you find some one as dedicated to you as you are to them. I know that I am more then blessed for my wife and I am more grateful to her being with me then anything else that I have ever had. Thank you for reaching out and I really hope you find your person.
 

SetecAstronomy

Registrant
My girlfriend has actually been incredibly, amazingly supportive and is sexually adventurous, however she is also a survivor of CSA and, for her, she cannot understand wanting to play reenact.
 

Silverflake

Registrant
SetecAstronomy that is really great to hear. I am happy you are not alone, one thing I have learned looking into this is you can’t push your partner into something they are not ok with. Trust each other and be willing to stop if the other person isn’t ok with it.
 
What a powerful thread. This really is Male Survivor at its best... deeply honest sharing and equally honest responses. I'm with Chase... this is a beautiful story... healing coming out of despair and anger. I've married four times and never reached the place where I could tell the truth about the trauma I experienced, and never found a way to share intimacy because of my fear. Deep respect for what you're doing with your wife. The two of you found a way back to each other. Thanks for sharing this... it is inspiring.
 

Saythatagain

Registrant
These are all great responses and from my experience your fantasies that you act out in your own room will most likely be better than what you do with others involved. We have gotten into pegging and lite bondage. Since my porn addiction surfaced everything has stopped. My fantasy at the moment seems to be her actually wanting and desiring me. It’s so hard to know which way to step and sometimes you may step and fall.
 
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