sexual practices and triggers

sexual practices and triggers
A

akn

Registrant
Groan - it doesn't look like it'll ever stop. I'm a survivor of very early age abuse from my father. I think it happened from around 12 months to about eight years old. I had one clear memory that was gross - my father fellating me, that I couldn't account for. Did EMDR and let the cat out of the bag which, as we know, is a very difficult beast to put back into a bag! I've been in therapy for five years, working it through, and in a very turbulent relationship for six years.

My (now ex) female partner is also a survivor of violent abuse and one sexual assault. We had a lot of things in common, fabulous sex, and a lot of love was shared between us. We both thought we had found the love of our lives.

Through trial and error I learned that I had a sexual boundary around being approached sexually when I am asleep. That really sets me off into deeply fearfull responses including irrational and abusive behaviour followed by flight. The full PTSD trip.

I thought we had agreement about this but it happened again three weeks ago. We had a great holiday night in a motel and I passed out into a deep sleep. She, awake, proceeded to wash and handle me in what she thought was a tender and loving manner. I'm sure it was a tender and loving manner. But two days later I broke off this most loving and passionate relationship. I couldn't help it. In the ensuing days after the Saturday night the feelings arose in me like a whale surfacing and breaching. Unstoppable, from the deeps of embodied memory, vast, hurtling up, brutal.

Fuck. I've cried a lot in the last few weeks but it is an impossible situation. She knows my story, has been there through the entire therapy process, has held and nurtured me and has been the most significant factor in assisting me to overcome a fear of sex. A talented and devoted lover, unendingly sexually generous.

In my life I've only ever had two orgasms from oral sex and I cried both times. It is because my father fellated me and oral sex is just to fearful an experience for me to relax into orgasms. Pleasurable, but I cannot let go. I also think that he approached me in my sleep to play with me.

And now I've lost that relationship because she just cannot respect this particular boundary. Cannot. How dumb. She says she cannot stand my verbal abuse under these circumstances and I say then please do not do that to me. But to no avail.

There is nothing more to be said or done. I cannot trust someone who wont respect elementary boundaries like that. I mean, is it so hard to remember not to approach me sexually when asleep?

Alone again.

Life must go on.

akn
 
Hi Akn, besides being on here, I also go over to pandys.org a site that mainly has females. There have been a few of the girls that their boyfriend/husbands approach them when they are sleeping, and start having sex with them. They get very upset over it, when they asked what it should be called, they say it should be called rape, because when they are asleep they can not give consent. I say that it works both ways. Your girlfriend may not understand it, but that is what she is doing when she does not get your consent to have sex with you.

Take care,
Clifford
 
Akn,

Welcome here, it seems you are reletively new.

I am very sorry that you have had this experience. It is difficult, because I think sometimes, the people around us in our lives, they have a different 'time table' for our healing then we do. Meaning, they expect us to be 'over' this or that by now, or past the point of being triggered by such things. But we can not just stop such PTSD responses because we want to, and speically being approached in sleep. I think that would be very difficult for anyone who has past abuses, because at what time in our adult life are we more vulnerable then sleep? So of course that is a hugely importent boundary.

I am sorry that it sounds as this is something that cannot be worked out between the two of you. But of course, your own safety is of most importence. I hope that you will be able to find yourself a partner who is able to respect that boundary, and grant you what you need.

Take good care,

Leosha
 
akn,

It almost sounds like you are describing two different people in your post. On the one hand, you speak of the love of your life, a very caring and considerate person who has helped you a lot. And on the other there's the woman who won't respect your boundaries about being approached sexually when you are asleep.

I wonder if what is happening is that an issue from her past is crossing wires with this issue from yours. Did you two ever talk about this? If not, is it too late to do so now? If you would both be willing to consider such an exchange, it would probably be best to do so with a T's guidance.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi guys,
Thank you for your considerate responses. Three things stand out in what you've said:
1. My safety comes first;
2. Some people DO just expect us to 'get over it' (WTF!) and get on with it;
3. In response to Larry - we've done all we can.

My view is that I've dealt heroically with my issues and have made really good progress but I suspect that she is frightened to go into her own stuff. she has done therapy for years but tells me that she never talks about sex with her therapist. I think the problem is signified by that.

Time to move on. I have lovely children, solid friends and belong to a Buddhist organisation so we'll see whay happens next.

Thanks again

akn
 
akn,

she has done therapy for years but tells me that she never talks about sex with her therapist. I think the problem is signified by that.
Click to expand...
I suspect you are right. She refuses to see sex as a problem that needs to be talked about - that sounds like denial to me. Perhaps one way to get past this would be for you to say that YOU see it as a problem and that makes it one for your relationship and a topic that needs to be discussed.

Much love,
Larry
 
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