Sexual identity

Sexual identity

AndyR

Registrant
For years I fought my incurring sexual thoughts. I know my abuse made me hyper sexual and would consume my whole day sometimes. The more I fought it the worse it got. Thoughts of men would turn me on but I didn’t feel gay. Getting aroused in the gym showers and saunas, I could barely explain. But I knew I enjoyed it, but I felt shame. I looked at it with black and white glasses. Not until I took pressure off myself about that part of the result of my abuse did I feel like I accepted myself. I am who I am, I like what I like. There’s no right way or wrong way ( as long as I’m not hurting others or myself) and it feels freeing to put it out there. I wonder if anyone feels like I do
 
I have always been gay . I can look back to many things that makes me realize I was born gay. Maybe my abuser could see that I was gay and that’s what made me a easy target, so my sexual thoughts have always centered around men.
 
While simple male nudity like the gym or sauna don’t turn me on, I do have same-sex fantasies caused by my childhood trauma. My therapist and I are working on the same idea: there’s nothing wrong with fantasies as long as it is ethical (not cheating on my gf, for example).

I am right there with you.
 
While simple male nudity like the gym or sauna don’t turn me on, I do have same-sex fantasies caused by my childhood trauma. My therapist and I are working on the same idea: there’s nothing wrong with fantasies as long as it is ethical (not cheating on my gf, for example).

I am right there with you.
So hard to figure out, I came to a point where I said I’m done figuring it out. I’m me, I like what I like. I like to fantasize, I like to show off in the proper places and as long as I’m upfront about it and not sneaky, no harm
 
I am married to a woman and spent several years in therapy trying to undo and understand my attractions. Today, I can say that I do still have powerful homosexual attractions that I know come from my trauma. I, too, am working to embrace acceptance without action. Repression has done me no good, but I am now learning to admit these feelings are there and thats ok. I won’t act on them because of the commitment I made to my wife, but for the first time in my life, I’m learning to accept who I am - whether caused by trauma or not - and live in the tension.
 
So hard to figure out, I came to a point where I said I’m done figuring it out. I’m me, I like what I like. I like to fantasize, I like to show off in the proper places and as long as I’m upfront about it and not sneaky, no harm
Show off in proper places? What do you mean?
 
I'm sitting reading this while wearing a brassiere. I know I'm an outlier on this website but this is what trauma created for me. It took me a long time to understand that what happened to me in the crib when I was in an infant was in fact sexual trauma and that it created a template that led me to trying on a woman's undergarments when i was twelve years old and to breaking into homes to steal lingerie as a teen. Telling the story about my crossdressing on this website was my first time of telling the truth to anyone but a therapist. Shame over this behavior has consumed me, though anonymous sex with men in video arcades was part of the journey as well. I'm a double dipper... sexualized by a mother who used a silk petticoat to stimulate my genitals as an infant and four years of introduction to things sexual by a three generation family living next door that culminated with rape when I was seven.

Yes, it is a great gain to stop shaming ourselves over sexual feelings that inform our lives. Blessedly, I don't go to video arcades for anonymous sex with men any longer. Funny thing is that crossdressing had not been part of my life for decades before I arrived on this website. Here I began reflecting on my sexual behaviors over the years. I told the truth about crossdressing on a thread here, then began exploring what that was all about. I realized that this behavior was one of the ways I've calmed myself in the past and the need for such release had everything to do with trauma. And so I gave myself permission to stop shaming myself because I needed soothing from time to time. I haven't engaged in this behavior for a couple of months and yet the past few days I've put on a brassiere. I'm not interested in transitioning to become a woman. I'm not interested in crossdressing... no wigs, no makeup... nothing but a brassiere. Is it related to nursing with my unavailable mother? I don't know and it ultimately doesn't matter.

Our lives have been profoundly destabilized by sexual trauma when we were young. How we come to terms with this is the journey we discuss here. Honestly, we can't do it wrong. We need exactly what we need in the moment. So please be gentle with yourselves. Where this lead none of us knows. What ultimately matters is that we stop shaming ourselves for having the feelings we do.
 
@Visitor I agree with not shaming ourselves. I’ve had enough of that in my life. That internalized shame is very destructive for me. I’m trying as well not to judge myself, but I’ve got a harsh inner critic. Mine is a 12-13 year old who was so ashamed of his self-sexual exploration and the “weird” (Not really that weird) things beyond masturbation that he did. That critical kid is still really hard on me, and it’s tough for me to let go and not have some of those feelings pop up, but I’m getting better at it. I’m also becoming more open with my husband about what I want (and don’t want) sexually. And in other ways in my life. It has only taken me 22 years. He has never seemed to judge me, it’s only me that judges me.
 
This is the journey of our lifetime Morgan. Yes, we wish it happened faster. I was listening to Faure's Requiem as I was writing earlier and the tears flowed. This is NOT what I wanted my life to be about... and yet here it is. It breaks my heart, but there is nothing I can to to change the past. All I can do is be gentle with myself RIGHT NOW. Nothing about this makes sense even though we try to hard to figure it out. All we can do is be gentle with ourselves as it all unfolds...
 
Last edited:
So hard to figure out, I came to a point where I said I’m done figuring it out. I’m me, I like what I like. I like to fantasize, I like to show off in the proper places and as long as I’m upfront about it and not sneaky, no harm

I read your story and it makes me wonder how much an impact our fathers had.

My dad was a professional athlete. For my brother and I, male nudity in the house was totally nonsexual. Sort of like a locker room. It wasn’t unusual at all. Maybe that’s why even though I have same-sex fantasies, the sight of a penis by itself isn’t a trigger.

You seem to indicate your dad made your, his and your brother’s nudity sexual. Why you “show off”?

I dont know.
 
For years I fought my incurring sexual thoughts. I know my abuse made me hyper sexual and would consume my whole day sometimes. The more I fought it the worse it got. Thoughts of men would turn me on but I didn’t feel gay. Getting aroused in the gym showers and saunas, I could barely explain. But I knew I enjoyed it, but I felt shame. I looked at it with black and white glasses. Not until I took pressure off myself about that part of the result of my abuse did I feel like I accepted myself. I am who I am, I like what I like. There’s no right way or wrong way ( as long as I’m not hurting others or myself) and it feels freeing to put it out there. I wonder if anyone feels like I do
I feel exactly the same!
 
I am married to a woman and spent several years in therapy trying to undo and understand my attractions. Today, I can say that I do still have powerful homosexual attractions that I know come from my trauma. I, too, am working to embrace acceptance without action. Repression has done me no good, but I am now learning to admit these feelings are there and thats ok. I won’t act on them because of the commitment I made to my wife, but for the first time in my life, I’m learning to accept who I am - whether caused by trauma or not - and live in the tension.
Yes ! This is exactly how I feel !
 
This thread exposes what a hypocrite I am. I read your stories about your sexual identity with a matter-of-fact sense of understanding. "Of course you would struggle with that, it seams perfectly reasonable given what happened to you". I don't feel any judgement or sense of shame toward you. But dear god I am all over my own ass for exactly the same things.

I realize though that being aware of your struggles and being able to receive them without judgement is a step toward adopting that same posture toward myself. It is one of the reasons why the vulnerability here on MS is so powerful.

Another thing I realized reading this thread is the importance of self-pity. It seems like self-pity gets a bad wrap. Life is difficult for most people. It seems like pity and mourning either on behalf of others or ourselves is a reasonable response. I understand that self-pity can be a trap for some people if we stop there. But I don't think most people get stuck in self pity. Instead I think people get stuck in self-condemnation. Perhaps self-pity is a first step out of that.
 
I read your story and it makes me wonder how much an impact our fathers had.

My dad was a professional athlete. For my brother and I, male nudity in the house was totally nonsexual. Sort of like a locker room. It wasn’t unusual at all. Maybe that’s why even though I have same-sex fantasies, the sight of a penis by itself isn’t a trigger.

You seem to indicate your dad made your, his and your brother’s nudity sexual. Why you “show off”?

I dont know.
They very well may be true, but I’m past trying to figure out why, I know it’s all linked, I’ve spent too much time hating myself for it. I’ve tried to reprogram myself but it’s engrained in me. So instead I accept it
 
They very well may be true, but I’m past trying to figure out why, I know it’s all linked, I’ve spent too much time hating myself for it. I’ve tried to reprogram myself but it’s engrained in me. So instead I accept it

That’s a position of strength and taking control. I like it.
 
This thread exposes what a hypocrite I am. I read your stories about your sexual identity with a matter-of-fact sense of understanding. "Of course you would struggle with that, it seams perfectly reasonable given what happened to you". I don't feel any judgement or sense of shame toward you. But dear god I am all over my own ass for exactly the same things.

I realize though that being aware of your struggles and being able to receive them without judgement is a step toward adopting that same posture toward myself. It is one of the reasons why the vulnerability here on MS is so powerful.

Another thing I realized reading this thread is the importance of self-pity. It seems like self-pity gets a bad wrap. Life is difficult for most people. It seems like pity and mourning either on behalf of others or ourselves is a reasonable response. I understand that self-pity can be a trap for some people if we stop there. But I don't think most people get stuck in self pity. Instead I think people get stuck in self-condemnation. Perhaps self-pity is a first step out of that.
I agree, I have to remind myself often to be kind to myself. I am an ace at self loathing and destroying any achievements I’ve attained as not good enough. The voice of my father lives in my head about how worthless I am. But when I show my self compassion and some pity, I quiet that voice.
 
This is a really good and honest discussion about something that affects a lot of us. Well done AndyR for airing this in a positive way and for reducing the shame that has affected us all in one way or another.
Thanks Giovanni, we are all just trying to figure it out right? Shame has run my life for far too long, but it’s always an going battle
 
You are so right: we are all just trying to figure this out. Letting go of the shame is a battle many of us can likely relate to.
 
It is incredible what impact this have on our lives. I used to self harm and play so many sports till I would pass out just so I do not have to deal with my feelings. The physical pain was much easier to deal with.
 
It is incredible what impact this have on our lives. I used to self harm and play so many sports till I would pass out just so I do not have to deal with my feelings. The physical pain was much easier to deal with.
It really is, that’s what really gets me, what would I have been if this didn’t happen to me? Would I be better? More successful? But I guess dwelling on that is a waste of time
 
Top