Sexual healing

I actually had a sexual fantasy last night! I haven't had anything like this in a very long time (12 years?). It was intriguing to me how it played out. The previous evening I had had a conversation with a woman about trauma and trauma healing. I had told her about a female acquaintance who had told me that she thought all men were potential rapists. She thought that that was simply her trauma speaking. I agreed. I'm not sure if my connection with the woman I was talking to became sexualized. I certainly wasn't aware of anything on my part. I was aware of being very interested in the lively conversation I was having with her about trauma healing. At night, when I was alone, I started to wonder if I could ever be a rapist. The fantasy that arose was of me being forced at gunpoint (by another man) to have sex with the woman with whom I had been talking the previous evening who I assumed didn't want it. I was apologizing profusely and thanking her for being willing to help me stay alive. In the end, we both seemed to be enjoying it. It's interesting to me to see how strongly I repress feelings of sexual attraction (I have to project sexual desire on a violent man (not me) and be forced through a death threat to participate in my own sexual pleasure). The fact that the fantasy arose at all is a sign in my mind, that I am letting go of early childhood mother-son trauma. It has been the focus of my healing for a very long time now. I've also recently let go of my fantasy of an emotionally and psychologically supportive connection from my mother. It was interesting to see how much she resisted my grieving process (she became very worried and anxious). I've also embraced a positive male identity about which I can feel proud. This is new too. I've long held men to sex crazed insensitive and violent maniacs. This fueled my own denial of my maleness, my sexuality and likely was a condition for receiving any kind of positive attention from my mother in my youth (I wasn't really a man so I was worthy of the little positive attention of which she was capable). Progress! Cheers, Garth
 
This whole process had had an interesting outcome. I've had to reframe my expectations of three social groups: Birth family, a gathering of people with a healthy attitude towards death and dying, and a men's Trauma Recovery Group. My health has gone through a major challenge, but I think I'm out the other side. I think I've managed to see the connection between a strong longing for safety and nurturing and the needs of the infant I once was. Focussing on the current needs that are actually being met rather than getting messed up with those that aren't helps me better negotiate these social gatherings.

Cheers,

Garth
 
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