Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual Dysfunction
O

outis

Registrant
OK, this is not an easy post, and I have a hunch replies won't come easy, either.

I've read a lot about the problems male survivors have in relationships, struggling with trust and intimacy, fearing others, and so on. And I've read the words "sexual dysfunction." In fact, when I wrote to the Plain Dealer, I included that in the list of possible effects that the victims might experience. Coupled with my self identification as a survivor, I wondered if that meant I was self identifying as a sexually dysfunctional man. Scared me, too.

But the thing is, sexual dysfunctions are part of the legacy of sexual abuse, at least for some people. Like me, for instance. In my case I struggled for years with premature ejaculation. Mr Macho I wasn't. Somehow I still got a wedding ring onto the finger of the most wonderful woman, though.

It's funny (yeah, ha, ha) but I remember sheepishly looking for information online about this, and finding that it can be a physical problem, but it's often not. That is, most of the time there's no "plumbing problem." I remember wondering what kind of problem could I possibly have, since I knew the abuse I'd never quite forgotten didn't affect me at all.

It wasn't always like that. In the last several years I flipped the coin, so to speak. I had to search for the terminology online, but it was retarded ejaculation. As in not ejaculating at all. Hmm, how to put this? "After" I would feel a tremendous wave of sadness, no, more than sadness, almost grief. I guess it was somehow better than feeling frustrated and embarassed, but looking back now I think it was a precursor to the current, "flashbacks during sex" stage.

The sadness stuff started a year or two ago, before I disclosed my sexual abuse. After I told my wife, then my psychologist, the flashbacks during sex started. Sometimes the "dry heaves crying" with my stomach aching from the sobs without tears. Sometimes worse, and once the "curled up in a ball wimpering" flashback from Hell.

I'm posting this because I haven't seen it before. I thought about putting it in the Family & Friends forum, but it's really about how survivors ourselves have experienced the effects. Yeah, another euphemism. This post is about how I personally have been sexually dysfunctional, during the time I hid my sexual abuse history, and since disclosure. There, to hell with euphemisms.

If anyone would care to add anything to this, I think I'd like to see it. I have a hunch I'm not the only one, but who knows? I've always been different.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Outis, I know this can be a difficult subject and it is very brave of you to post about it.

I have had my problems in this area. They used to ashame me so much that I could not even go into a chatroom anonymously and ask about it. I was struggling very much then and confused about my sexuality so the added problems did not help. I had the idea that if I had sexual problems it meant I was less of a man.

I am improving in this area and I think it is because I am finally in a loving relationship. I still have difficulty sometimes (my apologies if this is too frank) in maintaining an erection, and it tends to take me a very long time to come but that may be due in part to my medication. When I was with my old girlfriend, she would always tease me about my sexual shortcomings and make me feel like shit that I could not even finish. I tried so hard to fix my problems but it only made them worse.

Since I began to deal with my abuse I have sometimes triggered during sex or broke down crying. My partner has thankfully been very supportive although it is still extremely humiliating for me :(

I think this post is getting too long now, but I want you to know you are NOT alone!!
 
Joe,

You're not alone. I've been quite depressed in the last couple of years and many of the anti-depressants have sexual side effects that include reduced libido, retarded ejaculation, etc. Depression itself, PTSD and sexual dysfunction are common occurances in guys that have been abused. I personally would rather be on the anti-depressants and live with the side effects. It's not to much of a problem for me right now as I'm not involved with anyone anymore. Maybe in time...

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
Thanks, guys.

Josh,

It was a tough thing to post, but I hope that somebody who comes around here "just looking" might benefit from seeing this kind of discussion. Thanks for being so honest about your own experience.

Steve,

My problem was that I did it without medicines, so I couldn't blame the meds for side effects. I've read about the ways medicines can interfere, and I'm still thinking of asking about them. The way my problem "flipped" suggests to me that it's not something a urologist would have helped, if I even discussed it when I saw him. I did have surgery once and had the chance to dicsuss it with the urologist then, but I didn't mention it.

The embarassment was real. It was tough, and the premature ejaculation had to be very difficult on my wife because of the way our sex life suffered during those years. The next part was difficult for me because I felt like I had unconciously "found the cure and overdone it." Then the way I used to feel so sad. Maybe it switched so I could feel the sadness instead of the embarassment.

But I'm really not asking about medicine side effects. I understand that they can be bad, but I'm asking about guys not needing meds to have difficulties. I know it's not easy to talk about, but I do feel better now having started it.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Joe
My problem was / is that if I feel good while making love, then it's all over before the "Fat Lady" opens her mouth.
So I think of something to slow me down, and then I go back and forward between the two. And before I know it the "Fat Lady" has sung the song, packed up and gone home !

Throw in some unwanted flashbacks and fantasies, and I'm way off tune

Dave :(
 
Joe, you nailed it when you said this would not be easy. I don't think my answer can be helpful to you because my experience of sexuality has been un-universal. I can't imagine for a moment how you guys who speak of how valuable your relationships are, can even begin to sustain them, considering my own experience and what the SA has done to my ability to have an intimate relationship. I have never had a partner that had a clue, and god knows I didn't. I find it difficult to understand and relate to the dynamics implicit in the depth of a longstanding relationship. What a wonderful burden it must be to have the opportunity you all have to be with someone for a long term, and eek out a life that you are able to stand back and admire as good, pleasant and worth fighting for.

Before and up until the time when I was married, I was promiscuous and in a series of short term, one night stands. I thought my relationship with my ex-wife was all I would ever need to "be normal". Our sex life was terribly unremarkable, and I always masturbated and fantasized more about imagined male sex partners than I had relations with her. I was interested in trying to make things exciting between us, but she had even less interest than I did. We were just not compatible sexually[nor any other way for that matter].

My marriage lasted for 7 years and we produced 3 offspring. My progeny are the most valued treasure I have [or don't have as the case may be]. After all, they are people, and you can't "have" people. You can just borrow them, and nurture them for a time while they are alive and in your care.

After our marriage finally ended, I quit drinking and went on a second adolescent binge of serial relationships all with men who didn't know, any more than I did, what were the ingredients of a good effective partnership. After about six years of that, I entered once again into a relationship with a female, thinking that because there were mutual feelings involved, that it was "meant to be" that we would have a relationship. We got engaged, and bought a house and made plans, but she was just looking for someone to pay for the emtional pain inflicted on her by her father and ex-husband. After that, I had two relationships with men that were long term (one for 2 years, and the other for 5 years). The 2 year one was just a guy looking for a meal ticket. The other was a really good person, whom I was quite fond of, but he could not get past his own issues with sexual dysfunction, and our relationship just went the way that most tend to, that being to just give up on the deepening of sexual intimacy. In all of my relationships, with the two females and the 200 men, I never rose to any level of "two become one"-ness. Sex was always, in every relationship, tense and orgasm oriented. At the beginning of each relationship, the focus of sex for me was about trying to make this time better than the last, perfoming with much more technique, or in a much cleverer manner than the last time. Hey, baby, I'll show you what I can do with a "g-spot". It was always about showing my partner that I was "the best ever". After a few months of this, it became more about getting it over and done with. All of my relationships were about "playing" being in a relationship.

After that I moved to Minneapolis and have been busy over that last two and a half years getting myself firmly established in a new life. Frankly, I feel too old and ugly to even put out my relationship radar. Since I have never had a relationship that was built on anything that even remotely resembled a naturally authentic basis for forming one, I have little faith that they are real. I am remaining open to the prospect, but am trying not to induce one, as I have done in the past.

My sex life right now is concentrated on exploring my own body in a non-judgmental, shameless and guilt-free manner. Truthfully, for the first time in my life I don't feel the urge to couple, and that is really odd, because I feel that I have never been better prepared than I am right now, for a successful relationship with another male.

I don't think what I have written has anything to do with your topic, but I guess I had to spill the words somewhere, and why not here. Thanks for giving me a reason to speak.

Ron
 
Ron, I am amazed at the level of trust you have in all of us. Thank you for sharing that.

Love is such a mystery to me. But I have experienced you on the forums as a very loving, kind man. I have to believe that, some other loving, kind man will come into your life, and you will share a beautiful relationship. You seem to know what you want and do not want. And you also seem to know what you can give. That sounds like a perfect foundation for something really good.

Ron, have you ever listened to Andy Lloyd Webbers STARLIGHT EXPRESS? you really have to listen to all the songs, and follow the story. But the song "Next Time You Fall in Love" sounds like something that would be very good for you to hear.

Much peace to you friend.

Bob
 
Dave,

I think you're talking about the same kinds of things I went/go through. Thanks for being open about it. It helps to know it's something that can happen to guys after sexual abuse.

Ron,

I'm glad you found a place to "spill the words" and I think it is on topic. First I want to say that I think you have a lot of guts to spill words like that. I doubt anyone thinks this is an easy topic.

You've gone beyond the kind of nearly medical description I used. I also felt pressure, um, "to do it right" or something. Especially with the premature ejecaulation problem. That kind of pressure left me approaching sex as a performance, not as any kind of intimate sharing. It may have kept my mind off some of the sadness trying to break through as well.

My mind was never with me. When I asked my wife if she had ever suspected sexual abuse in my past, she said she knew something wasn't right, "especially with the se..." I heard the final "x" and asked again. She had caught herself and tried to protect my "male ego."

Is it any wonder the relationship nearly fell apart? I can see how they do, 'cause I came too close to losing our marriage, and we're still working to save and strengthen it. I don't believe all the problems were/are related to sex, but I know it wasn't the strongest part of our relationship.

Exploring my own body, without shame, sounds like a wonderfully scary idea. I shower in the dark, and can't look myself in the mirror while I think about certain aspects of the sexual abuse and/or the ways I tried to hide from it. Sometimes I don't even recognize this body as my own.

I'm glad that you have your children to love, no matter what else happened.

Once again I find myself learning about myself and helping myself when I see what you people write on these boards and I try to write to you.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Joe,

Your honesty and openness continue to astound me.
You are a real treasure for me and to anyone fortunate enough to have contact with the loving, understanding guy named Joe who posts so wonderfully on this site.

The shame I felt about my sexual dysfunction led me many times to fake having an orgasm, because it just would not happen for me in response to the stimuli received. In other words, either the guy didn't interest me, but I was having sex with him anyway. Or I had let things happen during sex which made it impossible to achieve orgasm, which I thought was the only reason to have sex. Which is pretty sick.

Or I would want to please him so much and be so excited that I would come right away. For me, it was very difficult to maintain any interest in the sex after I had come. It was like the show was over, a bit prematurely, but over nonetheless.

I have had sex with many, many men, and a few women. One time I wrote down every sexual encounter I could possibly remember. I went through my life year by year, incident by incident. It was so fucking depressing. I had to stop in the middle. Because I saw how I continued to duplicate the same emotional reactions to sex no matter where I was, how old I was or who I was with.

I wrote it all down as part of a sexual inventory.
I gained a lot of knowledge of myself and my sex.

Funny thing was, knowledge was not enough to change the behavior. I stopped some of the more egregious behaviors; mainly because I stopped drinking and I found that lots of things that I allowed to happen drunk simply would never happen as long as I stayed sober.

So after hundreds of sex partners, thousands of sex acts and endless amounts of guilt, shame, frustration and general disgust with my sexual self, I have in the past couple of weeks, finally had the experience of making love.

The simplest way I can explain it is that I finally was able to include my partner in all that I was experiencing. My fears, my doubts, the history of my sexual abuse, specific phobias about specific sex acts, my fear of disease, my tendency to treat sex as a porno movie in which I am the over achieving star.

All that came out before hand. And it comes out many times during sex. There is a lot of reassurance, questioning, pausing, resting, talking, encouraging and expression of love and tenderness that is not at all related to the achievement of an orgasm, retarded, premature or very late, as is the case with me these days.

I have finally started acting differently and am amazingly enough have begun to achieve different results. Wow, it is simply a miracle for me.

I've found a guy who is so loving and tender. So respectful of me, my feelings, my body, my boundaries and my soul that I was almost in tears the whole time we made love for the first time.
I never thought it could happen for me. I was abused by a man and then continued a life time of seeking abuse from others and degrading myself.

I really thought I was too far gone. but with a lot of help, therapy, medication and enough self esteem and trust in myself, it is finally happening.

Probably the most important contribution I am making to this success, is that I try very hard to honestly communicate with my partner.

I have stopped shutting my eyes while kissing him. I have made myself keep my eyes open while having sexual contact with him. I actively say if I am uncomfortable and also when it feels too good to be true.

Hopefully I will be able to share more of my recent experiences in another thread where it may be more appropriate. That would be a good thing for me and plus that would also mean that I'm continuing to have wonderful sex. :)

Some of the techniques I mentioned above come from a book recommended by my therapist. It is about the experiences of hetereosexual couples in overcoming dysfunction, sexual and intimate in nature.

It's a long book; and seems like it would be good read together with a partner. I'm done with my copy, if you'd like it I'd be glad to pass it on to you.

It's called:

'PASSIONATE MARRIAGE: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships' by David Schnarch, Ph.D., published by Henry Holt and Co, NY, NY 1998.

I have come to firmly believe that sex problems, like sex, are much better experienced in the company of a loving partner. The results become not nearly as important, and therefore always much better.

Thanks, Joe, for opening this thread. You've given me the courage to think about talking some more about my sex life.

Thanks, guys, for all the understanding and kindess.

It really does make a difference.


Your grateful brother,
 
The shame I felt about my sexual dysfunction led me many times to fake having an orgasm, because it just would not happen for me in response to the stimuli received.
Click to expand...
Danny,

Thank you for such courageous honesty in posting to this thread. I know it benefits me to stop hiding this particular effect and its manifestation in my life.

I can relate to the shame, that's for sure. I never bothered faking. Never saw the point in it. After all, either I failed to do "what I was supposed to do" when I couldn't last, or I was just a half step ahead of the sadness that always caught up to me. Besides, it's not about me feeling good. That's not the role I learned, that's not the sick ideal I strove to reach. "Once an object to be used, always an object to be used."

What I mistook for a healthy appetite was a desire to prove my value in the coin of the sick realm I lived in after the sexual abuse. When I approached a physical union, something nearing physical intimacy, the panic/fear would kill the chance. When I evenually found it possible to sometimes give pleasure, but remained unable to receive/accept it myself, the terrible sadness overwhelmed me. Wow, I'm learning about myself again.

It's absolutely amazing that I found and married my wife, and that our marriage hasn't failed. Look at the distorted view I had of intimacy. This stuff really does affect me through and through. Letting it fester as long as I did it became more and more entrenched in my life. Time to rip it and all of its runners out of the ground and burn them.

Thanks to everybody. I'm getting to know myself a lot better here. I hope you're getting some good out of this, too.

Joe
 
hello men:

i am grateful for this post. it is very interesting and meaningful to me. you see, i suspect i suffer from 'sexual anorexia'.

i am a 40 year old virgin who has had many opportunities to be sexual but was never able to feel safe enough to be physically intimate with another.

more about me: i was abandoned by my father from birth and emotionally incested by my mother for some 30+ years. i have no memory of any physical incest by her at this point.

in all honesty i do not know if i will ever be able to feel safe enough to physically love a partner. i truly do not know.

the pain and loneliness i often feel surrounding these truths can be almost overwhelming. it can seemingly paralyze me sometimes. at times i can struggle with suicidal thoughts because of the pain.

i know i need help but i had a bad experience with a psychologist years ago and hesitate to see another.

thanks, to whoever began this post. it feels good to get these things off my chest. i need to go now. take care everyone. sincerely,


bec
 
My Brothers.

Sexual Dysfunction. I would not know anything about that. I mean I cant be dysfunctional. I have tried every variation that I think it is possible to have. One of them must have been right. :confused:

Well I guess I used to believe that!!! Today I am working on what kind of kink so arouses me to find out how to deal with it. I finally realize that I cannot fight something I cannot see or do not know. After tests next week I will know and then I will deal with them because I want to and not because I have to. And that my brothers is what we all do. With me I have to see a picture and emotions. I cannot see it in the written word. I always try to visualize what I am reading. Now this would be the perfect time to put myself down. I cant see it cause I am too dumb or stupid. Well that has always been bullshit too.

When I use the word dysfunctional I think that thee are a hell of a lot more things that are dysfunctional with me than just sex. but Ime working on them.

Thanks for the post Joe
 
Ok, I'm new here. I was hopeing to find a thread like this one. I don't have any answers, instead I have questions as well.

I'm 24, and I'm just now involved in a relationship where I'm having "sex". The problem is, I'm not. I get aroused, however, I'm finding it impossible to keep an erection. And, even when I do have one it is usualy soft. I can't figure out why. I thought it might have to do with lifestyle choices, such as smoking. But then, I found out that it might actually be something connected to me being sexually abused as a child and as a teen, something psychological.

I do enjoy intimacy. However, I just haven't had the pleasure of having an orgasm within the relationship. I can't even get an erection when my girlfriend tries to preform oral sex on me. I can attain an orgasm when I'm alone. I just wish I knew how to unlock whatever it is that is hindering me. Any suggestions?
 
Jazzman

Welcome to Male Survivor. It is good that you have found us, and that we have found you. There are many of us here who have been through what you have, and we spend a lot of good time and effort trying to unpack the results of se+ual assault, in the company of the best of support systems in an attempt to understand the impact of the abuse on our emotional psycological and spiritual lives.

Keep asking the questions and you will get the perspective from all of us on our own particular brand of recovery. You will find ultimately that the answers you seek are already inside of you.

Consider the possibility of working with someone who is experienced professionally in dealing with this issue. There are many good resources here that will accompany you down your path to wholeness and healing.

I wish you well my little brother.

Re se+ual dysfunction: I have, and have always had the same problem as you do and though I am 50 years old, and have risen above gargantuan odds in recovery from many forms of self medication and abuse, I still have not been able to understand the elements that contribute to my "performance anxiety". It probably has something to do with not looking in the right place for answers, and not seeing the possibility that when I am having se+ with someone (which has not happened for about 5 years not) maybe I should speak in past tense.....in the past when I would have se+ with someone, I was standing outside myself "watching" myself to see how I was doing. I was grading my performance.

I am sad to admit this, but as the process of my perpetrators initiation advanced to a higher level, I began to "want" the encounters; I began to live for them. In fact I am embarassed and ashamed to say, that nothing that I have ever experienced thus far has been able to hold a candle to those experiences.

I am sorry, this is hard. In hearing these thoughts ring through my head as I think them, it is painful. The perp is dead now, and I am sad that I have not been able to replace him and never will. I can't believe I am saying this.

What does this mean for me today? How has this screwed up my chances to ever have a natural se+uality? Something new for me to acknowledge, surrender and accept.

In the meantime, I learned to tolerate this "objective" quality that I assign to my se+ual behavior, and have stopped making myself be in relationships just for the sake of being in relationships.

In my se+ life which consists of masturbati0n, I refrain from using p0rn or fantasies that re-enact the abuse, and strive to just find the pleasure of the moment. I am learning to live with the fact that it is OK to not be coupled, and that solo se+ual expression is a good thing and it can also be a pure thing.

Maybe someday I will find a partner, but that will have to be an act of god, much like Dorothy's house landing on the wicked witch of the east in the wizard of oz.

Boy, see you just got here and already helped me find a place within myself that needs a lot of healing.

Thanks for writing and I wish you all the best as you begin the recovery walk.

Your friend in survival,

Ron

Guys, sorry about the odd characters, but my firewall wouldn't let me send otherwise
 
Bec,

I hope you're just taking a little time away after your post. I know getting this stuff into the open has helped me feel better, and like Ron, find places that need healing.

Jazzman,

It's a strange thing to say, "Welcome, I wish you didn't have to come here," but that's basically what I have to say. No one should have ever abused you. They did. I'm glad that you have the power now to seek recovery for yourself. It was so hard for me to start, months of steeling myself and reading online and buying books with cash.

Smoking is one of the things that can cause difficulties because of the effect that it has on your blood flow. It has a lot of other effects, too, that I'm sure you hear about all the time, so I'll shut up now.

But if you only have the difficulty when you're with someone you really care about, then it sounds to me like there might be something besides smoking to blame.

You can get things out in the open here, and it is a great help for me to do just that. It's not a substitute for therapy, though, so you might want to heed Ron's suggestion. What I, personally, do find here is validation that I am not the only one to go through "this," where "this" is the abuse, the denial, the sexual dysfunction, the struggle with intimacy, the inability to trust, the active distrust, and so on.

Take a look around and read what's here. Post to get things off your mind, or even to tell jokes. At times it seems like there's nothing but excruciating, soul-wracking work, but that doesn't last forever.

Thanks,

Joe

Not to be flippant, but you have a great login nickname :) And I'm a classic rock kind of guy.
 
Thank you to post of this. I would feel too much the shame to start a post of this.

I do not know of that dysfunction, because I never have sexual relations. Not ever, not yet. Other than what he do at me, which is not as it's meant to be. The one girlfriend I have so far, I am not able to do that at her, and she break off of me. But, I do not even do this at myself. I almost do, I actual try few times, once is not in good situation, but other times, I try make myself, because I feel the physical need of it? And can not do of it. It feels so much dirty and shame, I can not go through of it. Just to touch in any manner, make me feel sick. I can not even look at myself in mirror or shower, I close my eyes while in shower. It just feels all sick at me.

I guess this is different kind of dysfunction, but is definite one I do not like either.

Leosha
 
Jazzman
Hi there, I hope you stick around and use the support and help we can give.
We aren't any substitute for professional therapy for sure, but we do a damn good job in our own way.

The problems of sexual dysfunction are all too common amongst us, and they can almost certainly be traced back to childhood abuse. It screws us up big time.
But to understand our personal, individual, problems takes a bit of work - by the individual.
But it's possible, and the results can be good.

If you want your life back, here's a good starting place.

Dave
 
It took me so long to post a reply to this message because to me sexual dysfunction is in the core of my problems related to my abuse. Not being able to have sexual relations is the most humiliating and frustrating issue I could ever face. And unfortunately thats my reality today.

I never had any sexual relations after the abuse; I get excited and I want to have sex but I just cant. Its unbelievable, even after an innocent touch on my leg or something, I see an image of my parents and then its over. I broke down crying, I feel like the worthless man in earth.

I cant even do it to myself; its something out of question for me. I hate my body, for many years I used to shower in the dark, like some of you. I dont do that anymore, but I dont like it yet and I cant stand the idea of anybody touching me and that includes myself as well. I never had a full erection, the flashbacks always come really fast, theres no time for anything else. It really sucks.

Mark
 
Mark
Do you belive Eve when she say's that "you're the best guy she's ever met" ?

You should you know, because she means it.

Dave
 
I wouldnt say I am the best guy shes ever met :D , but now I feel more comfortable with her loving so much. It really takes A LOT of love to go through all this crap with me, especially when its not something that happened to her directly. It amazes me to know that she can handle all this shit, support me whenever I need her and still love me. You know, Im not exactly an easy man to live with ;) .
 
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