Sexual assault after pick-up from the bar

davids1

Registrant
I just finished a therapy session and my T suggested that I come here and discuss this with my fellow survivors. This assault surfaced after 52yrs. I was stationed in Germany; my parents came to visit so we could travel around together. I was still in the closet and would be for many more years because of my fear of God. So we are in Amsterdam, I sent them on a canal cruise, and I went to the DOK gay bar, I smoked hash, drank good beer and danced. I met a really beautiful American, who was bigger than me, went back to his hotel room.





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We were in bed together, He had a very large penis, about 9" long, and very thick, I could not take it all in my mouth and throat, which is what I liked to do. We proceeded to start doing frottage with him on top of me. He grabbed my wrists all of a sudden and pinned me to the bed, pushed my legs apart and rammed his penis, without lube into my anus. I was a virgin and it hurt like hell. I lost my erection. I told him to stop as it hurt, but he kept pushing until it was all the way in. I couldn't push him off of me. I just lay there and kept saying over and over in my head to cum, please cum. It took a while and when he did and rolled off of me, I grabbed my clothes and ran out of there. I could hardly sit or walk the next day and I was bleeding from my rectum. I felt so ashamed because I had picked him up and went back to his room. It was my fault I thought. Like I said it came up in therapy today and my T said I need to forgive myself because I did nothing wrong, he is the one that assaulted me. Being with my parents throughout out trip through Europe, especially my religious fanatic mother was difficult. Nothing but guilt and shame. I buried this so deep, and I continued to use drugs and alcohol for years to hide how I felt. Now I get to work on the forgiveness of me. Thanks for listening but I totally forgot about this episode in my life. Ugh!
 

ODAT

Registrant
Davids1,
I am SO sorry you had to go through this and had it bottled in for all those years. I’m glad you could finally tell your story and let the healing begin. There are many men on MS who fully understand what you experienced in one form or another. I was raped at 8 by a 14 year old boy and have bottled up most of it by not remembering the bulk of my abuse for over 50 years.
It was NOT your fault. Please take care of yourself. I’m sure you will hear from others too. Take care…
 

davids1

Registrant
Thank you ODAT for the support. This the reason I posted it here because I knew this is a save place. My T cautioned me about sharing it even with some Gay men, He said "they may say you're a man, why didn't you fight him off? or you probably liked it because you picked him up at a bar anyway." I have seen men share about their experiences like this, how they were shamed for not fighting off the abuser(s).
 

ODAT

Registrant
Thank you ODAT for the support. This the reason I posted it here because I knew this is a save place. My T cautioned me about sharing it even with some Gay men, He said "they may say you're a man, why didn't you fight him off? or you probably liked it because you picked him up at a bar anyway." I have seen men share about their experiences like this, how they were shamed for not fighting off the abuser(s).

Abuse is traumatizing. For some people they try to fight it off (often unsuccessfully.)
For others they might try flight (to get away.) This is also often unsuccessful. The third option is to freeze. Not only did I do that but it wasn’t long before I was bending over just the way he wanted me to do that he could rape me. I became his bender because I was afraid to the point that I could barely move. Again don’t beat yourself up for what happened to you. It was NOT your fault. Take care of yourself.
 

davids1

Registrant
Thank you. I'm working on that one because I have been blaming myself because I picked him up in the bar and went to his hotel room. I felt like it was my fault when it happened and today when it came out in therapy. My T told me the same thing; IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! I'm working on owning that. Again, thank for the support.
 

ODAT

Registrant
Thank you. I'm working on that one because I have been blaming myself because I picked him up in the bar and went to his hotel room. I felt like it was my fault when it happened and today when it came out in therapy. My T told me the same thing; IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! I'm working on owning that. Again, thank for the support.
Sometimes the choices we make come back to haunt us. But in your case, you were assaulted. That is NOT your fault.
Try to be gentle with yourself on this and keep reaching out on this site. There are a lot of great men here who are helping me tremendously in dealing with my trauma resulting from my abuse. Take care.
 
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