I just finished a therapy session and my T suggested that I come here and discuss this with my fellow survivors. This assault surfaced after 52yrs. I was stationed in Germany; my parents came to visit so we could travel around together. I was still in the closet and would be for many more years because of my fear of God. So we are in Amsterdam, I sent them on a canal cruise, and I went to the DOK gay bar, I smoked hash, drank good beer and danced. I met a really beautiful American, who was bigger than me, went back to his hotel room.
*********************************************************************** TRIGGER WARNIN ************************************************************
We were in bed together, He had a very large penis, about 9" long, and very thick, I could not take it all in my mouth and throat, which is what I liked to do. We proceeded to start doing frottage with him on top of me. He grabbed my wrists all of a sudden and pinned me to the bed, pushed my legs apart and rammed his penis, without lube into my anus. I was a virgin and it hurt like hell. I lost my erection. I told him to stop as it hurt, but he kept pushing until it was all the way in. I couldn't push him off of me. I just lay there and kept saying over and over in my head to cum, please cum. It took a while and when he did and rolled off of me, I grabbed my clothes and ran out of there. I could hardly sit or walk the next day and I was bleeding from my rectum. I felt so ashamed because I had picked him up and went back to his room. It was my fault I thought. Like I said it came up in therapy today and my T said I need to forgive myself because I did nothing wrong, he is the one that assaulted me. Being with my parents throughout out trip through Europe, especially my religious fanatic mother was difficult. Nothing but guilt and shame. I buried this so deep, and I continued to use drugs and alcohol for years to hide how I felt. Now I get to work on the forgiveness of me. Thanks for listening but I totally forgot about this episode in my life. Ugh!
*********************************************************************** TRIGGER WARNIN ************************************************************
We were in bed together, He had a very large penis, about 9" long, and very thick, I could not take it all in my mouth and throat, which is what I liked to do. We proceeded to start doing frottage with him on top of me. He grabbed my wrists all of a sudden and pinned me to the bed, pushed my legs apart and rammed his penis, without lube into my anus. I was a virgin and it hurt like hell. I lost my erection. I told him to stop as it hurt, but he kept pushing until it was all the way in. I couldn't push him off of me. I just lay there and kept saying over and over in my head to cum, please cum. It took a while and when he did and rolled off of me, I grabbed my clothes and ran out of there. I could hardly sit or walk the next day and I was bleeding from my rectum. I felt so ashamed because I had picked him up and went back to his room. It was my fault I thought. Like I said it came up in therapy today and my T said I need to forgive myself because I did nothing wrong, he is the one that assaulted me. Being with my parents throughout out trip through Europe, especially my religious fanatic mother was difficult. Nothing but guilt and shame. I buried this so deep, and I continued to use drugs and alcohol for years to hide how I felt. Now I get to work on the forgiveness of me. Thanks for listening but I totally forgot about this episode in my life. Ugh!