Sexual and intimacy problems

Sexual and intimacy problems
W

welly

Registrant
Firstly, I am a gay survivor of childhood sexual abuse (I often say rape, does anyone else prefer this?).
Secondly I am very lucky on that I have a long term and understanding partner

In an earlier post I raised the problems I hae with fantasy. I also have significant problems with sex and intimacy. The following is fairly direct (but not pornographic), so please don't read on if you find sexual talk troubling

I have gone thorugh periods where purely physical sex was not a problem. I guess young lust got me through. However, once I found someone I loved it became so much more difficult.

I am able to have sex if I am mostly passive, if it involves anal stimulation or my fetishes for rubber and spanking. Anything requring me to take the lead or less physical or more intimate and I struggle. I struggle to do it or initiate it. I struggle to get and retain an erection. I also have difficulties in being mastrubated by my partner.I have got better. I don't phase out anymore or gets fits of anger during sex (up to a couple of yeara ago rage would well up in side of me during sex which I had to fight to be able to finish), but I seem stuck with what a friend describes a "porno sex".

Outside of sex, I fund physical intimacy dificult. Again I have moved on. I used to jump out of my skin when touched. Now I can cope with and enjoy non-sexual physical intimacy but I cannot initiate it and have trouble at not wanting to move straight to sex.

How do I move on? To be able to initiate rounded sex and intimacy?
 
Welly:
It is amazing to me that posts come along at critical times in our lives here. You have a fetish for rubber and spanking and cannot initiate or take the lead. You tend to be passive.

Well I found out recently, and I am 62 and married for 36 years, that I dont like sex of any sort, with a man or a woman. I think of it as disgusting. However I do have a fetish. I am addicted to pain. And pain delivered by a dangerous man. I like to be bound and not in control. The closer I get to feeling this is the end of me the greater the rush.

My P told me that it is like a fetish, I am fixed on a feeling as opposed to a thing. I am a strange masochist as there is no sadistic streak in me at all. The thought of doing it to someone else repulses me as disgusting.

Shook me up but I will deal with it. I still find it drawing me like a moth to a flame. There is medication that can control this type of thing and I will be talking about it on Friday. At first I thought I was a freak. My template was hardened when I was a child and then because of my SA. I was raised in an atmosphere of violence to myself and my SA involved extremem violence.

Have you talked to a therapist about this. If not maybe you should. He or she could help you work through it.

I dont know if I have solved anything for you but now you know you are not alone. It is like having a fetish for shoes or dressing in women's clothes.
 
Welly, Mikey,
The more I read of these posts the more I am amazed at our similarities. I'm 53 and except for two relationships lasting more than a few months, I can not get close to people, unless it goes to sex. All intimacy; touch to affection makes me stiffen up, get awkward and find a reason to get away.

Except for a short period of about 6 months, I've always had problems with erections. A guy becomes civil to me and I want to go to bed with him.

And yes, kinky sex as a submissive is the only way for me. I'm obsessed by it. The only thing that clears my sex addiction is depression.

Mikey, I'm looking forward to what you're going to talk about Friday. I don't recall if it was you who posted on the pill or not, but take comfort in knowing most things are reversible.

Thanks for posting Welly. If you find a 'cure' do let me know okay? Stay strong brother.
 
Thanks Mikey & Michael for sharing your experience. It is reassuring to know I'm not the only one.

Mikey- I relate to your pain addiction. I've been thru phases of needing pain and humiliation. I sometimes think its like withdrawal from abuse, abuse cold turkey - only its goes on much longer. I have talked to a therapist about it, but I was busy trying to get my head around the whole thing at the time, just trying to be able to face the victim/survivor thing. I probably need to go back to therapy now I've moved on a little. I needed a break from therapy though - I can't spend my whole life in therapy - that does my head in more than anything. I need some sense of having a life.

Michael - I was just like you describe. It took therapy and the right guy to move onas much as I have. I also used a masseur that was also a qualified therapist for a short while to desensitise, and also had Shiatsu massage (suitably painful) for the same purpose. It might be worth a try for you as its touch (gentle or robust) without the propect of sex or intimacy, but it can help reprogramme the auto -response of your body.

Also, has anyone tried EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reporgramminh) - I'm told it can be good for helping to reduce unhelpful automatic responses eg to touch. I've never had the courage to try it though.
 
My therapist has recomended it to me a couple of times and we have actually talked about what it does in school a little bit. I haven't tried it yet, because I just have not had enough time to do this.

What I am told that it does is it goes in and instead of allowing the normal cycle to repeat for a particular event, it disrupts that and then allows you to reprogram another response instead. KInd of like hitting control break on a computer when it is running a program in a continuous loop (well maybe that isn't a good example).

I'm not up on it too much but I think you could go to a search engine and type in EMDR and it would give you a lot of information. ONe thing I want to use it for is to help me when I go to the dentist. I freak out before I get in the chair and I am hoping that this will help me in this situation.

Don
 
Welly
I think you hit the nail on it's head in your second post - humiliation.

It matters not one bit which way we lean; gay or straight, the problems you describe affect so many of us.
Like you I don't like intimacy with sex, I like a submissive role, I make as little bodily contact as I can physically manage and don't talk.
That's a hell of a way to 'make love' after 29 years of marriage.

And I think it's all down to the desire for humiliation that peaked with me cottaging ( cruising ) for sex with strange men. In an effort to heighten the feeling of degradation I took huge risks and wore womens underwear.

Imagine the humiliation of getting caught with all that, it was subconciously planned as total humiliation.
Thankfully I never got caught.

I was humiliated as a boy by my abusers, it's what I learnt. I degraded myself, they praised me.

It takes a LOT of shifting, but why wouldn't it ? It took 31 years from the end of the abuse to reach that peak, it ain't going away overnight.

Dave
 
This thread touches on much of what I have been experiencing lately. After many years of sexually degrading experiences with me as perp and as victim (only involving willing adults, me included), followed by a couple of years of complete sexual inactivity with only a couple of instances of masturbation, I am now in a sexually fulfilling, loving, non-degrading emotionally intimate relationship with a man for whom I feel great affection and respect.

It still isn't easy. The lure of the past behaviors is still strong. I have lots of help from him, my T, my shrink, meds, AA, AlAnon, this site and from a god of my understanding.

It also seems that the more I move away from destructive, self loathing attitudes towards myself, the more I am able to start learning a new way to exerience sex and love.

This probably sounds all vague and general. I've gone into more detail in other poste in the members section.

I have to say that it is a complete revelation to me to have mutually satisfying, respectful, loving sex with my eyes open, no fantasies, in touch, in the moment, where I am instead of where I used to be, kind, generous, human physical intercourse with one very special guy.

It just blows me away. We give each other very special treatment; nice baths and showers with very lovely oils and aromas; we massage and caress; we treat each other with love and dignity, and we run into difficulties we agree to pause and reflect and discuss them.

I find that my sexual behavior cannot be put on "automatic"......I suppose much of my life is also like that.....it seems to me that as a survivor of sexual abuse, I must always continue to treat each moment as it comes along. And be aware and concious of where I am and who I am with.

My T recently made an excellent suggestion which I am trying with fairly good results and that is to prepare my mind and spirit before sex. To check in to see what I am feeling, what I might possibly be looking for in the upcoming sexual encounter.

It turns out that what I go looking for is what I usually find. So for me, it means that if I find myself looking for something like pain, degradation or humiliation it is probably better not to get started and especially not to let myself go on "auto-pilot", or to my "default settings".

I have never been able to figure any of this stuff out as a theory or at home alone or by correspondence course. for me it has taken the active, committed, willing, and compassion cooeraton of a loving partner to make loving sex a reality.

And boy when it's good it's really wonderful.

I am forty nine years old and have sex with probably hundreds of men.

I feel as though I have made love for the first time in my life in the last few weeks.

There are also hard times. I have cried more in the last few weeks than I have in many years. I think of it as washing away a lot of the shame and guilt from the past so that I can have room for the loving warm presence of my male sexual intimacy.

I have also taken steps to avoid people, places, institutions that add to my feelings of shame, degradation and guilt.

That means for me that I no longer participate and am contemplating lieaving my faith of which I have been a member for over 30 years.

As you can probably tell, this subject is an important one to me. And I say all of this only to let others know what works for me.

Your combination of therapy, medication, learning, unlearning etc. might be totally different. But I do believe it is possible for me to recover a happy and satisfying sex life, because it is happening for me right now.

And I am very grateful for it and for all of you who continue to assure me that I am worthy of love and tenderness.

With much gratitude,

Your brother,
 
Danny
I just love a happy post, it gives us all hope.

Dave :D
 
Danny - Thanks for posting! As I read your posts recently, they bring me a sense of uplifting joy for you and a sense of reflection for me. I fly so often on "automatic" because of my schedule - yes - but am I covering deeper things? The fact that you prepare yourself, seek your inner feelings...what an insight! Sometimes I rush so much that taking time to focus on me as well as the other is missed. Thanks for sharing that gem with us (especially for me!).

Howard :)
 
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