Hi All,
I have known of B's predilection for porn--online, vids, mags--for years now. Given how devastating it can be/is to be the partner of someone with such an addiction, I have done a TON of research on this issue, from both sides. Almost everything I've read on the subject identifies things like porn addiction as primary factors in, over time, generating a "person's emotional detachment/numbness/unfair fault-finding toward their partner,lack of empathy(?), disconnection," etc, especially when it comes to areas like sex and intimacy.
Add (other?) CSA-related issues to the mix and it's no doubt hugely daunting and wounding for both partners.
Unfortunately, as with any other addiction, we (partners) "didn't cause it and can't cure it."
In my case (and I'm sure that BH and other partners here can relate), it just breaks my heart to want so very much to feel and be desired by my guy, and know that he will avoid sex with me in favour of masterbating to porn. And this has only grown worse over the years, to the point where he only very rarely feels any sexual attraction to/desire for me anymore, and only for a moment or two at best. Worse still, is the fact that he doesn't seem to feel that his porn use has anything to do with his loss of sexual desire/passion for me.
A few weeks back Dave (Lloydy) wrote about trying to make love with his wife and wondering if she's wondering what he's fantasizing about at those times? I know I do, and knowing that whatever it is that B's fantasizing about (tho' he denies fantasizing AT ALL when we're having sex), it's almost guaranteed to have nothing to do with me/us hurts terribly--not to mention has a significantly negative effect on my own ability to remain present with and responsive to him at those times. The one time he told me anything about why he turns to porn when he could have me, he said he likes/needs "the hot, tight, young bodies."
Jesus. Those words still ring in my ears 4 years later. I'm a slim, good looking, sensuous woman, but it hardly matters. I'm REAL, not just some stranger or anonymous image. The problem is his, but for as long as I'm with him, it's mine as well. He might like to rationalize that it's his private business and none of my concern, but that's neither true nor fair, IMO. Still, I can't "cure it" beyond how his problems with this affect me, and I'm not at all sure how to even cure that.
Porn, cybersex, escorts, affairs...how much are we willing to put up with in the name of "love" for our guys? We can deeply lament the damage that was done to them as a result of their having been sexually abused, but what about the damage that it's doing to US now?
BH, identifying the problem is the first step towards the possibility of resolving it, but I suspect it's key that BOTH parties are willing to acknowledge that the problem exists first. As for drawing boundaries, I'd say you can do that the same way you would with any addiction or a hurtful behaviour. If your H' turned into a crack addict, would you tolerate that and its resultant effects because you believe it to be an "uncontrollable" addiction? (Rhetorical question.) A better line of questioning for us might be: How do I feel about this behaviour? How significant are the effects of the behaviour in terms of how it impacts on MY quality of life and my well-being? What boundaries do I need to set up in order to take care *of myself* around the behaviour and am I willing to stand by those boundaries?
All easier said than done, and anyone who's read my personal posts will know that what I understand in my head and what I do/don't do with that understanding are often quite contradictory. The dynamics of an addict/co-addict relationship certainly apply in my case, to say the least.
For me, one of the toughest things about dealing w/ B's longstanding dependence on porn and its VERY deleterious effects on our relationship, is his secrecy and lies about it...his denial. Moreover, it's not the kind of thing one can accurately monitor (one's partner's sex addiction behaviours), and who wants to feel driven to try to do that anyway? It certainly breeds HUGE distrust on both sides--him, wanting to keep these things a secret from you, and you, always wondering (maybe even "spying" to try to find out) what he's really up to, how often, and so forth.
I was reading a thread about this very issue on the men's forum last night and someone wrote that thinking of all the time they'd wasted on porn made them want to cry. Thinking of all the time that's been wasted and love that's been rejected/passed over by B' as a result of his porn use makes ME want to cry...indeed, I HAVE cried about it many times. I just pray that some day he too will realize what an utter waste of time, love and life porn can be, but whether he does or not is beyond my control. Thinking about how things like this affect so many of us here makes me want to cry...
QUOTE: I am just heartbroken that an actual *addiction* may be even harder for us to conquer, and I really don't want to lose our marriage over this.
It seems to me that the addiction is HIS (B's too) to conquer, if and when he's ready to commit to that. We might choose to try to understand and to be there for them if/when they decide to break the chains of such addictions, but we can't do it for them. And in the meantime, we must be honest about and contend with how these addictions of theirs affect US, whether they're on board or not.
I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but that's all I can come up with for tonight. I'd love to hear more from the guys on this. Would love to see some responses to SAR's question, too (welcome back, SAR, BTW:-D
Guys: What do you think we partners can do, if anything, that would be helpful in matters like this (especially for guys who are not yet in or have just begun to get counselling for these and related CSA issues)?
Looking forward to hearing more from the survivors especially on this, and thank you BH for raising the subject...it strikes too close to home for so many of us here, partners and survivors alike:-(
Stride
Good luck Stride, lol.