sexual addiction after rape

[ninjasm]

I was raped soooo long ago. It was one of my earliest sexual experiences. It was my first expiramentation with a dude. I realized that I wasn't gay - he force me - I 'finished' during the rape. I invented a whole new memory of how 'things went down.'

A few months later I began putting myself into high-risk situations with men. I always went as close to my limits but never passed them. I never established relationships with men. I always hated myself before, during and after. I felt compelled to do it - almost like I was out of my head. I have other mental illnesses that bounce off of this and others. I have had many close and sexual relationships with women. I consider myself mostly straight - maybe, somehow, completely, despite my actions... it's like my indiscretions were a compulsion more than anything. I have never put myself into these situations with women, not even close. Never had a one-night-stand with a woman. I've had, without exaggeration, over a hundred with men.

It really all makes some sort of strange sense after uncovering the truth about that first experience. I haven't had an encounter of this sort since. I THINK I can go on with life without this happening again. I'm scared of me. I'm afraid I lack the ability to live life normally now.

Does anyone have a similar sort of experience or compulsion or addiction or reaction or whatever makes you comfortable saying it?

 

[Jay1946]

I'm not a psychologist, but my understanding is that the mind's reaction to trauma such as you experienced is to try to relive it, but this time in a way where one is in control, and/or derives pleasure in some form from it. Add to this that one of the consequences of sexual abuse is compulsiveness, and you can see where a compulsion to relive that trauma on your own terms would come from.

I experience this in my life. I have a compulsive longing to go back to my early adolescence (like 13/14 years old) that I have not been able to overcome.

 

[C. E.]

...

 

[KMCINVA]

Posted to wrong post

 

[manipulated]

You are not alone. I am married. Happily until I started seeking older men. Wife found out. Finally forced to disclose the grooming, use, and abuse of my scoutmaster/church elder from age 11 to 15. She still thinks I "chose to cheat with men". I knew what I was doing but convinced myself that like the "secrets" I hid for for so long it would never effect her or us. WHAT A FOOL.

But at least the genie is uncorked and I have to share. A 12 step group has helped me. Therapy is helping me. Couples therapy is helping us. No you are not alone.

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[johndoe]

I was raped soooo long ago. It was one of my earliest sexual experiences. It was my first expiramentation with a dude. I realized that I wasn't gay - he force me - I 'finished' during the rape. I invented a whole new memory of how 'things went down.'

A few months later I began putting myself into high-risk situations with men. I always went as close to my limits but never passed them. I never established relationships with men. I always hated myself before, during and after. I felt compelled to do it - almost like I was out of my head. I have other mental illnesses that bounce off of this and others. I have had many close and sexual relationships with women. I consider myself mostly straight - maybe, somehow, completely, despite my actions... it's like my indiscretions were a compulsion more than anything. I have never put myself into these situations with women, not even close. Never had a one-night-stand with a woman. I've had, without exaggeration, over a hundred with men.

It really all makes some sort of strange sense after uncovering the truth about that first experience. I haven't had an encounter of this sort since. I THINK I can go on with life without this happening again. I'm scared of me. I'm afraid I lack the ability to live life normally now.

Does anyone have a similar sort of experience or compulsion or addiction or reaction or whatever makes you comfortable saying it?

you just described my situation 100%. it is a compulsion that takes over - like a drug.