sexual abuse triggered.

sexual abuse triggered.
N

nordicelt

Registrant
Hello everyone,

I was viewing some of the message boards here this evening and a secret I have not told anyone here has surfaced.

I was sodomized by my gym(physical education)instructor when I was 13. It happened more than once. He did it to punish me for not taking a shower with the other boys. You see, I was reluctant to shower with the other boys because they would beat me so often. They would wait until I entered the shower area of the locker room and attack me then. No one knows about it except for a Psychologist and now of course anyone who reads this post will know.

I have tried so hard to bury this event and I was good at it until now. I am coping with being raped 3 months ago and I am not strong enough to keep other things buried where they belong. How am I supposed to cope with these two events at the same time?

I feel as though my life has become one big tsunami. I fear that I am going mad. I have got to get through this I just have to. There has to be a way.

Somebody please help me.
 
Nordicelt,

I have been somewhat spotty in my presence here lately. I don't think I've read one of your posts before.
I have tried so hard to bury this event and I was good at it until now. I am coping with being raped 3 months ago and I am not strong enough to keep other things buried where they belong. How am I supposed to cope with these two events at the same time?
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You survived the actual assaults. You must have some resevoir of strength inside that carried you through them. You will get through the memories, but it can sure hurt like hell sometimes.

They don't really belong buried. They're painful, right? So why keep them inside and close to you? Get them out and, in time, the pain will fade. When you keep the hurts inside, by definition they're already past your defenses. They're inside.

I know that's not easy to do, at least it hasn't been and still isn't easy for me. But I can see now that it's worth going through the pain of recovery to leave the pains of the past behind.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Nordiceit, I am saddened to hear that you are having a crisis. These things come along when we break the silence, even if we break it only to ourselves.

Your abuse as a child has had effects that you are not aware of as yet. Then, you have this more recent rape. This is a devastating thing to have happened and it is compounded by the memory of past abuse that is painful to remember.

We can get rattled, have flashbacks, feel we are going insane, feel we should not have posted etc. etc. But, the fact is that now you can let us share our experiences with you, and as you wish, you can share and ask questions and support guys who will talk for the first time in the days ahead.

Talking and listening to others who have had the same or similar experiences has always been a big help to me and many of the other men.

Do your best to understand that you were betrayed and violated by one who was supposed to be dedicated to protecting you.

For now, all you have to do is be here and see what develops in the replies the men here give you. Take it hour by hour or minute by minue if that is the way it is.

You will be accepted here and you will be understood here. We have all been where you are. We have moved on and fallen back time and again. But the general plane is one of upwards out of the crap.

Peace!

Bob
 
nordicelt,

Those memories don't belong hidden away, gnawing at you. Yes, it hurts to talk about them, it hurts to remember them, but they lose their power over you more and more with each telling. I was sexually assaulted when I was eleven and it went on for a few years. I didn't tell anyone about it for over 38 years. Now I don't really care who knows about it, it wasn't my fault, the guilt and shame weren't mine, they were his.

Take good care of yourself. Keep talking to your therapist, keep posting. Keep reading other posts. You are among a great group of guys here who understand and have had a lot of those same feelings you are having. And believe me it does get better and it is so worth it.

Steve
 
Hello and welcome to the place where you will find some of the greatest people on this planet who are wanting to help you. Guess what, they don't want or expect anything in return other than maybe to see you smile.
:)
 
Hi. I echo everyone who has posted.
The thing to remember is that is was never ever your fault and the guilt and the shame belong with the perps and not you.

And the other thing to remember is that you are never alone again. As others have said you have joined a group of guys who are second to none in this universe. There are a hell of a lot of strong shoulders to lean on and now you have added yours.
 
Brother,

I can relate very much to your story. I'll spare you the rehashing (it's here in the boards, if you care to look it up. I'd advise not until you're stable), but I was abused and raped as a child, as well as raped as an adult.

It can seem to be so much at once, can't it? Dealing with two seperate, but very horrible, sexual assaults at once. But I can tell you one thing. You need to work on them because the pain and trauma needs to get out.

That's why it's so horrible for you. Because I think on some level you blocked it out when you were a child, this new rape has brought it to the forefront again. You feel crazy because of all this pain and you probably feel like it's too much.

Traumas like this, in my opinion, are like serious burns on the mind and soul. They leave damaged tissue and scarring that has to be cut away and scoured before it can heal properly, otherwise it will infect and poison everything they come into contact with.

You need a good therapist to help you with this psychic "debreeding." Right now (figures!), I can't rmember if you have a therapist. If you do, please involve them in this part of your trauma. If you don't have a therapist yet, please get one. This really is too much to bear on your own.

My brother, I'm thinking very much of you right now. If you need anything and you feel I can help you, please don't hesitate to PM me.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Nordicelt -

'He did it to punish me for not taking a shower with the other boys"

Let's be polite here - that's bollocks...he did it because he was a ******* pervert that abused you!

You are a person that has so much value...do not let those pervs make you believe their lies!

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Hello everyone,

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your support and your responses to my post.

I mentioned the sexual abuse to my Therapist about 5 years ago. We talked about it during a couple of sessions and then I buried it. Nothing really got resolved. And so, it surfaced last week. I thought a lot about your responses to my initial post and decided not to bury it again, but to confront it and process it.

I spent the past few days thinking about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child and the rape incident I experienced 3 months ago. I find it very hard to cope with these things since I do not have any social support regarding this issue in real time. I am grateful for the support I have on this site though. I do feel very overwelmed right now. The impact of being sexuallly abused and a child and raped is finally begining to sink in. All I can say is that I am blown away by the whole thing.

I looked at my inner child over the weekend. In my mind's eye I visualized what he looks like. What I saw was a burnt and charred resemblance of me as a child. He is still burning. I don't know why that image came to mind, but it did.

I live alone and do not have anyone close to me in my life right now. This is not so bad, but at night sometimes I just start bawling and there is no one to talk to or hold me. I am not telling you this out of self pity, I am just stating a fact.

I have more to share, but I will just post this much for now. I am just beside myself and the people on this site are the only ones I can talk to about what has happened.
 
You said:

I live alone and do not have anyone close to me in my life right now. This is not so bad, but at night sometimes I just start bawling and there is no one to talk to or hold me. I am not telling you this out of self pity, I am just stating a fact.
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Well brother you have us and there are a lot of us. Stick with us and read and post.

Now I do have a suggestion that works. Get yourself a really big teddy bear and give him a name. We all had imaginary buddies as small children. Give him a body. Others including myself have used one to keep the demons at bay at night. But he can be a good friend too.
 
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