Sexual Abuse by my Mother, Trigger Warning

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This is the story of the things, that my mom did to me. She wasn't the only person to ever abuse or assault me. But the effects of her abuse are the ones I am struggling the most with right now. For a large part because I have not really sorted out my memories of what she did to me. Accepting that she did in fact sexually abuse me, is neccessary for me to begin to process it and heal.

I have some very vague memories, that I am not fully trusting at this moment of her taking my penis into her mouth, when changing my diapers as a baby/toddler. Also some feverish images of me performing oral sex on her. I am still uncertain if those actually happened or if my brain is remixing things. But since I clearly remember other sexual abuse happening, I am inclined to believe something of that nature took place.

Then there are memories of her bathing me as a child, and the feeling that there was genital touching going on, but again no clear memories as of yet.

I have a clear memory of her raping me with her fingers as a teenager under the guise of administering an anal repository, when I was sick with a heavy fever. I know, that it was not a normal case of her caring for me, because it took at least 15 min. She pushed it just far enough in, for it to slip back out again and again. The repository completely melted while she was doing that, and she used at least one more repository, maybe more. Nearing the end of that experience she said, that she would have to do it with more force, so it would remain inside. She then inserted not only the repository but her whole finger and kept it there. I told her, that I was sure this was sufficient and she told me that she had to continue for a while. She was very stern in that moment. She kept her finger inside me for, what felt like minutes. I can not remember it very clearly, but I think she applied pressure to my prostate. After that she left very hastily. I cried for a long time. I fell asleep, or maybe unconscious. And when I awoke I moved from her bed, where this had taken place over to my bed in my room. I concluded that she had just raped me. I felt incredibly violated. I told my father about this incident and he convinced me, that she it was not rape, but just a case of my mother being clumsy, but that she definitely meant no harm. He argued, that it could not have been rape, because my mother was a good person. I remember making the conscious decision, to believe, that she did not rape me, because that would have been to painful to believe.

Even before this had taken place, I suspected that my mom had sexually abused me when I was younger, but I could not remember. In the brief time, when I was aware, that this incident was infact her raping me, I felt that it confirmed that suspicion, or at least made it seem more likely.

There was another incident, that was at about the same age, though I don't remember which one happened first. My mother and I were at home alone. I was going to leave the house. She brought me to the apartment door. I was eating a hard candy. She told me to "give her a taste". I kissed her on the lips. It was not just a short peck. It was an open lip kiss. It felt decidedly sensual. And after the kiss she told me, that "I tasted good". I left. And I was highly confused as I walked down the stairs from our apartment. I felt unsure of what that kiss meant. I felt unsure of whether it was an expression of her sexual desire for me, because that just seemed like an impossible proposition.

There are many more memories of things, that in retrospect seem like her testing and shifting boundaries. That seem like her grooming me for more overt sexual abuse.

I saw her naked alot. We were all naked infront of each other alot more often, than I think is typical for families in our culture. Last time was at a public swimming pool, when I was already an adult. She just stripped down completely naked and changed in front of me, my brother and his girlfriend out in the open, like it was no big deal. I don't think I have ever seen anybody but my family do that at public swimming pools.

I also remember changing in a changing room together with my mom at the indoor swimming pool, when I was around 14 or so. And I vaguely remember some touching, in the water, that in retrospect might not have been appropriate.

The sex ed talk that she gave me and my brother, when I was around 7 or so was unusually thorough. My parents gave my brother and me a self help book about how to have good sex for adults. They said, that it would probably be of more interest to my brother, since I could not read that well, but I could look at the pictures. I was so young, that I could not read properly and they explicitly gave me permission to look at a 300-something page book about sexual technique with illustrations. And I looked at this and other books about sex, that were in our family home.
I used to think that this was something positive. That their sex positive attitude made it so, that I understood sex as something beautiful. That there was no need for shame. That sex was done for the pleasure of both parties and that consent was really important. That sexual techinque was something that could be learned from books and was worthwhile learning. But now as an adult, I see that this was deeply inappropriate. That this information was not age appropriate for me.

There's more in the subtle category, but I am exhausted from writing all this.
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