Sex - I make it to be what it's not...
Sex many times for me is a very difficult thing. I dissociate many times, breaking into a panicked sweat and just freeze up. My triggers are everywhere. But I just read something interesting in a book about sex and became aware of how I view sex and things that I attach to sex.
First, sex is easy, it's not a difficult endeaver. It's supposed to be fun and spontaneous. I realized that at such an early age I attached these emotions to sex: fear, shame, guilt, anger, and power (maybe not an emotion).
Sex is none of these things except in that in the experience with the one I trust and love I can work through these emotions, experience them during sex, and learn to denounce them as part of who I am as a sexual person. I am learning that sex can be playful, can be spontaneous, can be fun, and can be sex for the joy of sex. It's a long road, but one worth traveling and eventually one that is sexually satisfying to my wife and me.
I find that I can shy away from sex because of these emotions that I've attached. They are powerful and can seem bigger than life and pollute the sexual experience. But they are part of me and I need to work through them and I cannot shy away from intimacy because of them. Intimacy is too important, and I find as I open up about these feelings they have less power over me.
Many times I need to prepare myself for sex and it seems like a lot of work to get through the negative emotions, but when I do I find that sex is so enjoyable and even continues to heal the wounds.
First, sex is easy, it's not a difficult endeaver. It's supposed to be fun and spontaneous. I realized that at such an early age I attached these emotions to sex: fear, shame, guilt, anger, and power (maybe not an emotion).
Sex is none of these things except in that in the experience with the one I trust and love I can work through these emotions, experience them during sex, and learn to denounce them as part of who I am as a sexual person. I am learning that sex can be playful, can be spontaneous, can be fun, and can be sex for the joy of sex. It's a long road, but one worth traveling and eventually one that is sexually satisfying to my wife and me.
I find that I can shy away from sex because of these emotions that I've attached. They are powerful and can seem bigger than life and pollute the sexual experience. But they are part of me and I need to work through them and I cannot shy away from intimacy because of them. Intimacy is too important, and I find as I open up about these feelings they have less power over me.
Many times I need to prepare myself for sex and it seems like a lot of work to get through the negative emotions, but when I do I find that sex is so enjoyable and even continues to heal the wounds.