sex gets in the way

sex gets in the way
K

Kid A

Registrant
For the first time in my life I made a friend with somebody whom I really wanted to be friends with because of how nice she seemed. (in the past I took what I got). This relationship got intense and intimate very quick which was fine, but then it became sexual, and that became a problem. Part of me says, "what the hell is wrong with you, how can sex be a problem," but the other part of me can't handle a sexual relationship. While I can fully function sexually my whole body and being freezes up. I awoke in the middle of the night twice out of breath and panting for air. I'm pretty sure it was a panic attack though I didn't recognize as such at the time. Anyway, do you all think i'm an idiot if I tell this girl I just want to be friends? part of me thinks so, but the other part knows that if our relationship remains sexual it will screw up a potentially very good and intimate friendship. I know at some point I'll have to deal with my sexual issues, but now I feel like there are more important things to take care of. I just hope this girl is willing to be friends without sex involved, and that is something I never would have hoped for in the past. Thanks, Kid A
 
I believe the way you feel about this relationship is very important for more than one reason.

First, it is a very mature way of looking at relationships. For a relationship to have a good foundation it needs to be able to survive on more than just great sex.

Secondly, it shows that you want more from a relationship than just great sex. That you place value on other people and their feelings.

I think that if you value the relationship you have with this girl, and she values what she has with you, you may need to be honest to a point with her, explaining how you feel about her and that you are having a rough time with some very personal struggles right now, that have nothing to do with her and what you feel for her. That you value her companionship highly, and that you want and need a relationship with her.

If she is the person for you, If she truly loves you, she will be open to allowing you the time and space you need to work on your issues. If not, then unfortunately she will have to be allowed to move on. I would hope that she would be accepting and thoughful toward your needs. If so she will be a treasure worth hanging on to. The only way you will know is to tell her how much you care for her and to be honest about where you are.

It may not be wise to share all the details of why your are where you are at first but only you will know when the right time to share that will be.

I wish you the best Kid A. I'll be sending good thoughts you way as you ponder what course to take with this.

Lots of love,

John

edited for typo's
 
Kid A,

It looks like the whole thing became sexual so fast and you were absolutely not expecting this. Now you look back and are worried.

What about? It could be several things so far as I can see. Maybe you fear that things going so fast means that you have used her in the same way you were used. Or perhaps you connect sex with personal loss and harm. Whatever it is, the problem seems to have a lot to do with the fact that you genuinely care for this girl and don't want to hurt her. As a survivor for whom sex in the past meant a lot of harm and loss, this is becoming a confusing and anxious issue.

If you feel you need to turn down the heat you should be truthful with her but without going into a lot of detail. You could tell her that you enjoyed sex with her but you feel things went too far too fast. You would still like to see her and relate to her, but you feel you want to retreat from sex for awhile. She should be able to respect your honesty and appreciate that you are interested in her as a person and not just as a sex partner.

Much love,
Larry
 
It's probably going to be very hard for this woman not to feel hurt and personally rejected unless you are totally honest and give her enough detail so that it is crystal clear that "turning down the heat" is in no way a reflection on herself personally.
It certainly seems that you have enough self awareness to understand some of the reasons for your feelings/behaviors. It might be time to consider some form of therapy if you haven't done that already. Not saying you're "sick" -- just the opposite. I'm saying that you sound "well" enough to truly benefit from the experience. What are the "more important things to take care of", I wonder. None of my business, of course, but since you recognize that you do have sexual issues to deal with, why not start there?
With deep respect and best wishes,
George
 
You probably want to get input from a female or two on how to best handle the situation. Try posting on the friends and family section.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Anyway, do you all think i'm an idiot if I tell this girl I just want to be friends? part of me thinks so, but the other part knows that if our relationship remains sexual it will screw up a potentially very good and intimate friendship. I know at some point I'll have to deal with my sexual issues, but now I feel like there are more important things to take care of. I just hope this girl is willing to be friends without sex involved, and that is something I never would have hoped for in the past.
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Maybe suggest that at this time you just want to be friends. Then you haven't closed the door on future possibilities with her. Recognizing your need to deal with sexual issues and wanting to maintain a relationshp with her are good signs for you. Peace, Andrew
 
I used to think so too.

I think you need to check the girls your looking at, I use myself as an example.

I have 3 failed relationships because of my problems with sex.

In hindsight (such a wonderful thing) those girls didnt love me unconditionally, there was always a catch.

Now my wife whom I married Christmas day is a different matter.

To be blunt, she knows my history and doesnt care if I want sex all the time or not at all, she dpoesn't care if I cant get an erection or I can't ejaculate and bang away for hours.

Why? Because we talk openly about everything. She loves what is between my ears, whats between my legs is secondary to her.

Does that make any sense??
 
I have found that once a relationship becomes sexual it is hard to turn it back to a platonic
frendship .
 
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