Thanks, Jeff, for the topic. And Mike for your contribution.
After years of therapy, a-d medication and a lot of painful loneliness, I am now starting to try to "date" again.
It's hard for me to put myself out there in the gay dating scene. Lots of elements of modern sexual behavior leave me feeling without worth, dirty and degraded.
The same way the sexual abuse I experienced as a teenager left me feeling.
I've had some difficult experiences that I've discussed elsewhere. And last night I had a very wonderful evening with a very loving, kind man.
I was able to speak about some of the difficult feelings that I have with sex, without going into the exact reasons. We are still pretty early in our relationship so I'm not really ready to talk about the abuse and its effects.
I also told him that I had been having difficulty maintaining an erection. For that and other reasons, I told him it would be awhile before I would be willing to have intimate sexual relations.
It sounds sort of strained and formal writing it out like this, but it really happened very naturally as we were discussing life, love and our take on it.
WE were holding hands and I noticed that my erection problems had been solved. I take 300mg of Zoloft and 300mg of Efexor daily and always thought it was the drugs. Evidently it was more a lack of communication, safety and attraction.
He was completely understanding and very loving.
We made out on the couch like a couple of teenagers and would stop and talk some more then kiss for a while.
While I was sexually aroused and experiencing a great deal of pleasure, for some reason I did not experience the anxiety and fear that usually causes me to disassociate or go into "performance" mode in situations like that.
During one of our conversations late into the night, I was struck by an understanding that helps me a lot and perhaps may be helpful to others.
I was able to articulate with my friend for the first time where so much of the fear, anxiety and emotional distancing comes from with me.
The time we had spent talking and getting familiar with each other helped a lot.
And because I was able to let him know that certain boundaries were very important to me, especially about sex, I became aware of how much I wanted and yet dreaded having the orgasm.
I was able to verbalize that the twisted way I view sex tells me that once the orgasm has been achieved that the whole thing is over. No more love, no more closeness, no more intimacy.
Just wipe yourselves off and get up and go on our separate ways. I know that's not the way it has to be and it's one of the things I'm trying to change. But it takes practice.
I'm lucky to have met someone who is willing to practice with me and considerate enough to respect my boundaries.
It took enormous pressure off of me and allowed us to enjoy some real intimacy, physical and spiritual and emotional. There was not orgasm, no ejaculation, no intercourse. No 'end', no big final 'result' to achieve. No big pressure to perform.
What a difference! I know that I tend to want to replicate the dynamics of the abuse in my relationships. The performance towards orgasm mode was what i was taught by the abuser.
My 'job' as a teenager was to perform well enough sexually to make suret the perp got to come.
Whether I enjoyed myself or not wasn't all that important.
Once he came, he got up wiped himself off and made me rinse out my mouth with Cepacol, a nasty tasting mouthwash that I can't stand to this day.
I wanted him to ejaculate because that meant that the 'performance' was over. (I was 16, he was 55).
But I was also terribly disappointed and sad every time he got his orgasm becuase that meant that the attention, closeness and warmth I craved so much would be taken away from me agian.
Pretty fucking cruel way to treat a 15 year old boy who you're supposed to be parenting.
I see now how I have continued to emotionally experience sex in this same way all through my adult life.
I had to keep a hard on, no matter what. I had to make sure that my partner shot his wad. I had to assume a variety of positions and styles to keep the "customer" (my lover, bf, partner) happy.
And when i was "successful" at getting the come to flow, that meant that it was all over. Time to get up and wipe off and lock away my craving for closeness and love until the next time.
Last night I made some steps towards reversing this long standing problem. Part of it is the work I've done in therapy. Part of it is because I am no longer so depressed. And a big part of it is that I made a decision to be responsible for my sex life and what goes on in it.
I had a couple of slips...but I caught myself when it didn't feel right or I got uncomfortable, I was able to gently disengage and redirect to talking or just holding and just sitting next to each other in silence. The discomfort would pass and we would be able to feel the closeness again.
I have a feeling that this is not going to be a one time fix. I feel like I will probably have to maintain a clear idea of myself and my partner when being intimate for the rest of my life.
Left to my own devices without awareness, I go to my default setting which is what I was taught by the abuser.
It's not easy. But it is possible I believe for me to once again enjoy intimacy and sex with another man.
Now if I could just let go of the projecting and the what ifs and the worry about the future......
But that's another thread.
Thanks for the topic and letting me ramble.
I appreciate you all for the way you allow me to feel good about myself again.
Your brother,
