I GIVE UP..... THERE IS NO POINT. I HATE MYSELF SO INTENSLY.
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I CANT FIND MYSELF INSIDE MYSELF. I AM LOST A NOBODY. I DONT KNOW WHO I AM.
giving up is not acceptable ,if i cant then you cant . i confuse hating what happened to me with hating myself two different things . why shouldnt we just give up ?i mean hey we got good reasons right? why shouldnt we say i just dont matter ?how can anybody ever care about us if we cant even care about ourselves?
Thanks guys. but its the truth i am wating my time trying to get help. its not going to help i will probably be patronised by the counsellor so what is the point of it all?
I should have kept quite about it and even when i was triggered i should have maintained control.
so if i was to give up does it matter? afterall i am the one giving up. i can face living in the "dark" again it will take time to re adjust and bury my emotions again at least my mind will not be constantly ripped apart like it is now.
And as for the hate i cant stop it. i cannot stop hating myself i dont love myself. if i look in the mirror i wonder who is that.
I also hate that i could not defend myself and i had to do things against my will. i hate all of it. i am so angry as well.
Duncan, triggers are not of your control, they are emotional triggers.
When I was a child, I had nowhere like this to turn to, and nobody to listen.
Yr mind can control anything, you only have to see what the kids went through to guess that nothing is impossibe, but it is tough.
I guess it may be tougher being a man, and seemingly made less of a man by meeting those beasts, but you are better than them.
You are digging yourself out of the pit of despair, just as I did as a kid, and it was prob easier because I never had to go to work and be with men etc.
There never is a scale of abuse, if it hurts, it hurts much the same, but maybe with added hurt.
We have to believe that we are much stronger than we think, and to do that, we have to stop blaming ourselves.
Let the pressure off by doing something like walking or cycling in the country with the birds and animals and stuff with no distraction.
Thats what I do, get out into the world of animals and just be with them and no noise,
I GIVE UP..... THERE IS NO POINT. I HATE MYSELF SO INTENSLY.
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I CANT FIND MYSELF INSIDE MYSELF. I AM LOST A NOBODY. I DONT KNOW WHO I AM.
I love this site!!!!!!! Thank you all for caring so much and taking the time to respond to Duncan in his obvious hour of need. It would have been so good for me to have been able to turn to a similar organization 25 years ago when I first started dealing with my abuse. Didn't happen but I hope Duncan and others facing similar situations can listen to the wisdom, care, and encouragement each of you have so openly and freely offered. I also hope Duncan and thousands more like him are fortunate enough to find this site in 2007, they certainly deserve it.
Duncan, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang on, you are going to make it.
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