Sex Addiction?

[The HurtingWife]

This is my first posting here. My survivor told me a couple of years ago about his experience (he was molested at age 5/6 by a family friend). I had tried to help him seek help for his depression & anxiety even before he told me, and especially afterwards, but none of the therapists or meds he tried really helped.

I am now well into pregnancy with our first child, and i just found some information that makes me think that he also had a sex addiction. I know he looks at porn regularly on his phone and then deletes his browser history, had (at least on one occasion) been chatting with someone online, and now I find out he also has a history of visiting what sounds like sex clubs (could be strip clubs); I'm not sure how recently.

Please don't judge, but I know all this because I sometimes look through his phone and journal, which I feel compelled to do because he doesn't communicate with me. Of course, then I feel guilty for snooping. But then I find information like this and feel justified in looking. He often leaves his journal laying around, and it makes me wonder if he wants me to read it (wants to be caught?).

I am concerned for my health and the health of our unborn child. I am also concerned about him. I don't know what to do.

 

[The HurtingWife]

Anyone? Please? My sex life is nil and I fear he may be going elsewhere. Even if not, I feel like this is mental cheating. I am feeling so depressed; I don't know what to do.

 

[Judith]

HI

It is important for victims to work on sexual issues with sex in sex.

Also Victims dont understand the difference between healthy sex and abusive sex. Work on stuff in sex with spouse can show them healthy sex is better. Even males need nonsexual touch to heal as well. I wouldnt stop that. I would let him deal with what comes up and you dont take ownership of his feelings at this point.

IT is mental cheating when he cant think of you etc if he is involve someone else into his thought process on ....

read every thing you can on male sexual abuse and ask him open ended questions..

help him process it through if need be use email to talk it through.

 

[Daryl X.]

Is it out in the open enough that you can speak about it with him at all? If you can broach the subject, ask him if he feels unable to control himself. If so, suggest he try SLAA to treat his addiction. 12 step programs are very effective, particularly if he can be honest with himself. Good luck and congratulations on your baby. Try not to worry, only because it won't help. Take care of yourself first. He needs you at your best.

 

[Jwmcd2]

First of all, glad you're here though I hate you have a need to be here.

Secondly, I highly, highly recommend you talk to him about your relationship and such. Though I'll have to disagree with what was said up above. Looking at porn, though it's not exactly ideal, it is very, very common for males. Not just survivors. And frankly, with the popularity of Magic Mike movie, it's common for women. The truth is humans are sexual beings.

Speaking as myself, sometimes I feel like personal sexual gratification feels kinda safer. It's almost like a "victimless" sex event. It's like "well if anything bad happens, it's only to me, a survivor, instead of causing harm to someone else. Plus, masturbation is viewed as a healthy and normal thing for people, and it's something that shouldn't be viewed as "cheating", but it's a self care thing.

THAT BEING SAID: if he's becoming obsessive in his watching of videos, confirmed that it's going to clubs, and other sexual activities, it could be a slippery slope. I cannot speak for him, but I'd encourage you to ask him, just as a nonconfrontational thing just to learn about stuff.

If I had my guess, he may be afraid of causing harm to you/child/etc. He's already proven he loves you, so he should be open to discussion, hopefully. It's a stressful situation as it is for everyone (especially you, with the regular stress plus the hormones fluctuations you're having to contend with). I'd encourage you to do something nice for yourself. Though I don't fault you for having concerns (not in the slightest), it does show you have a concern for his well-being, which is refreshing to see here.

But I wish you the best of luck you you, your significant other and baby too.

 

[trishy]

Hi hurtingwife
it is a lot to have going on along with the changes and hormones of a baby at the same time. I hope you having others who can provide the loving support and connection you need aside from your partner.

I cant comment on the sex or intimacy stuff as I am pretty much in the same boat. I was hoping that some survivors who have movedfrom the isolation to conmection with their partners could share some insights. Or even the partners who were able to have a relationship with a csa thriver. What helped? What did you do?

I hope you continue to care for yourself and your baby

hugs and more hugs
t

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[Judith]

HI H

responses below yours

This is my first posting here. My survivor told me a couple of years ago about his experience (he was molested at age 5/6 by a family friend). I had tried to help him seek help for his depression & anxiety even before he told me, and especially afterwards, but none of the therapists or meds he tried really helped.

JuditH: He needs to see a sex therapist that specializes in sexual abuse. Reading Wendy book will help you big time.

Sexual Healing Journey. males have challenges with healing from the past when it comes to needing ot fix it. He is probably afraid he cant fix it. and he is also afraid that since he cant fix it he failed. Pride in the unhealthy since plays into this. Doing it and doing things in sex the healthy stuff consistently is going to be the way Talking is not enough. I have friends who have done things to help each other to heal in the bedroom besides talk about it. What amazes me is that therapists dont realize that they need to give assignmetns in teh bedroom at home too. not just talk about the issue.
My friend J informed her husband in the bedroom about what she need to have him help her -same goes for the male.

I am now well into pregnancy with our first child, and i just found some information that makes me think that he also had a sex addiction. I know he looks at porn regularly on his phone and then deletes his browser history, had (at least on one occasion) been chatting with someone online, and now I find out he also has a history of visiting what sounds like sex clubs (could be strip clubs); I'm not sure how recently.

Judith: THat is called intervention. YOu need to put a stop to it and challenge him to get help. Otherwise separation is in order to give him a wake up call.

Please don't judge, but I know all this because I sometimes look through his phone and journal, which I feel compelled to do because he doesn't communicate with me. Of course, then I feel guilty for snooping. But then I find information like this and feel justified in looking. He often leaves his journal laying around, and it makes me wonder if he wants me to read it (wants to be caught?).

Judith: I am not judge just trying to help. Yes i am sure she wants you to because he is afraid of your response and rejection. His mother rejected him for not helping him with him and away from teh abuse or if she was the abuser he is afraid of you for fear he will be rejected etc. The thing is to make clear to him taht it is the behavior you have issue with not him as a person as well as email is the way to talk if at times you both struggle with words. My friend J did that.

I am concerned for my health and the health of our unborn child. I am also concerned about him. I don't know what to do.

Judith: You need to confront in love and talk to a therapist and doctor and read everythign you can get your hands on.