AMiNUTS,
You identified with my statement saying your husband would
"blame {his issues} on me for being "inattentive to his needs". "
about Eddie
dumping the blame for his infidelity on me (I'm not a forgiving as Lloydy's wife, Sugar, who didn't consider "acting out" with another male as infidelity)...
In my case, that act of "dumping" was Eddie perpetrating an act of emotional abuse on me. Just like those who victimed him he was shifting the guilt & shame of the betrayal onto me and I responded in an unhealthy way by buying into the blame. I'm sure my acceptance of the blame was similar to how he responded to the SA.
Why would he shift blame onto me? He learned the technique from "The Masters". He had seen little else in his life. He told his father about being abused and his father blamed him for it. His father told him, a small 11 YO boy, that he would have to take care of IT himself. His father even terrorized him by telling him that he could become pregnant from the abuse, so he was in total panic when he suffered rectal bleeding & had no where to turn for help. His gang of abusers constantly told him "he wanted to be abused", "that he would never be good for anything else". They completely desimated Eddie's almost non-existent self-esteem. To survive such horror is truly amazing.
As much as I would like to I do not trust Eddie completely even NOW. I recognise that the his actions at the time were driven by the SA related-PTSD, but the
painful wound that resulted will take a long time to heal.
You wrote ...
You said that you and Eddie really started talking after joining this board and thats when you found out the true actions.
Not exactly. Eddie and I started talking immediately after his "acting out" was discovered (8/2000). In the following week or two after that discovery we just talked about
what had happened (I wanted details) and possible reasons why it happened. One evening before he left for work we were talking about his expectations about marital sexual relationships {it ONLY took 21 years and near destruction to start communicating on this topic}. His attitudes seemed to be based on a "pornographic novel". He said he had never read any himself, but had been "read to by an older boy". He told me that the boy had tied him up, read from porno book and then penetrated Eddie with only the tip of his erect penis. I said "You are telling me he RAPED you", Eddie said "No,he just threatened me". Talk about
runaway DENIAL through dissociation.
I really didn't believe him at that moment in time. I thought it was a
diversionary tactic to redirect and dilute my anger. Eddie left for work with me in doubt. It only took me several hours to realize that the childhood SA
EXPLAINED MUCH Eddie's behaviors (past and present).
By the time we joined this forum in 7/2001 we had been through HELL and BACK. I was just beginning to recognise that much of my behaviors also were unhealthy. That my continual excuses for his behavior we not helping either of us. Eddie had little or no incentive to change/improve his behavior if I tolerated and often rewarded his unhealthy actions (verbal & emotional abuse). This past year has shown much more progress than the last. We'll keep on trying.
You said ...
My H won't deal with it...only denial. So I am left with suspicion..paranoia...nothing more. What do I do with that.
You need to examine whether YOU WANT TO CONTINUE LIVING LIKE THIS. Do you want to accept his reality or make your own? Is this really an intimate relationship or a facsimile? A very hard, but crucial decision.
Be Good to Yourself,
Babs
...DRIVINGmeNUTS? No, I'll keep the same one. I will probably need to continue to question my sanity on a daily basis.