Setback - triggers!

[crisispoint]

Well, it was too good to last!

I had too much time to think last night and began dwelling on abusers in general which brought back my abuse in particular. I had a flashback, not only to my abuse as a child, but to the two incidents I had while acting out. Both had elements of force in it, but I don't think they constitute rape. Although one of them forced me to do stuff just like my perp.

I blocked out most of that too and some of it came back. He (one of my encounters) may have thought he was being amorous and aggressive (which I told him I wanted), but he still forced me. I'm actually flashbacking right now. I see both events, the abuse and this sleazy encounter in a car.

God this is hard.

It wasn't actual rape, but on a subconcious level I was reenacting the abuse. At the time of this encounter, the memories hadn't come back yet. I was a man at 35 confused about sexual identity. I was willing, but he was wrong.

Was it possible that I was raped? I don't even know anymore. I certainly put myself in the situation. I was willing to go along. The acts felt great up to that point.

Anyway, I've been having nightmares again. Mostly involving my perp raping me over and over again. But one that spoke to my anger and rage disturbs me. I actually dreamed about killing him. Sticking a gun in his goddamned eye socket and pulling the trigger. The funny thing (and horrible thing) is that I got NOTHING out of murdering him. Nothing. No sense of justice, no retribution, nothing!

I realized that I could go after him, send him to jail, kill him one thousand times, and it wouldn't make me feel better. It wouldn't get even with him. It wouldn't even begin to balance the books on what he did to me, took from me. He has screwed me up so badly that There is nothing I could do to him, to other perps, to make me feel better. What a thought, huh?

So why am I venting here? I don't know. I guess because I have to. I was very tempted to get myself roaring drunk again this morning. I don't want to do that. I feel like an alcoholic refusing to take that one drink. If I begin to rely on booze, there will be no end because I know I'd prefer to be buried in that numbed pain than to deal with the real pain that never seems to go away.

Number two, to those people I've tried to help, and newcomers to this site (those who can read this, and I'd recommend that you NOT read it until you're ready. Should'a said that earlier actually!...), there will be times when you will backslide. There will be times when you will hurt again. But there is also hope that you will feel better and heal. I know I am healing, slowly but surely. I don't like it being so goddamned slow, but I can't rush it either. I know that now.

I need you guys here. Guys like James, and Dan, and Jay, and Dave, and all of you. You are as "real" to me as the people I've known my whole life. I want to help you and make you well. It's just that sometimes, I need to be carried too.

Thanks for letting me vent, brothers. I love you all.

Peace.

Scot

 

[bowman]

Scot,
I'm sorry the nightmares are back. I don't recomend actual violence, but I don't think there's anything wrong with blowing a few perps away in a dream. When I have dreams like that, it makes me feel like I am getting stronger inside, beating the crap that's left inside of me.

I also think that whether you decide to label the adult encounters as rape or not, its okay for you to feel disturbed or whatever feelings you have about them. The thing about human interactions is that there is always grey area, and its okay to trust what that situation brought up for you. It does sound like the one guy at the LEAST was violent, and probably not taking your feelings into account when he decided what how the encounter was going to go down. I'm erring on the side of understatement, because I don't want to presume to make this judgement for you.

I don't know if anyone wants to hear this, but my P-doc said the this abuse issue will never be completely gone, that it will come up again. I think part of the healingis to get better at dealing with it each time, and not let it derail our lives. So we don't need to feel bad about 'setbacks' --that's just the nature of the beast.

I'm glad you are avoiding the alcohol. I understand the fear of startng and not being able to stop. I think that if I start drinking its basically just slow suicide. I'm glad you are choosing life.

Take care,
Ken

 

[Lloydy]

Scot
the things we do when acting out are very complicated, and the situation you found yourself in was almost certainly 'abusive'.
But we act out to re-live our abuse, but on OUR terms.

I would build a fantasy about how the acting out encounter 'would go' - but guess what ? It never actually happened that way. And it's impossible for it to ever happen exactly to plan, there's two people involved for a start, and the other person doesn't have the script of our fantasies.
Not that it would make any difference anyway.

All my acting out ended with me legging it before completion ( as far as the other person was concerned anyway ) because the moment the other person said something, asked me to do something or let him do something, my fantasy was shattered.

This is why I know that it will never happen again for me, even though I still have those sort of fantasies.
I have often thought that a willing and co-operative partner might do the trick, and it's easy to look on the internet, even my local paper, and find adverts for men willing to 'experiment' or whatever.
But again the fantasy would be broken just by discussing what 'we' wanted to do, even if an arrangement was made that we took turns in enacting each others fantasies. Just asking someone would break it.

There's no regaining of 'power over our abusers' in acting out at all.
We arrive there by the misguided thought that the same sex acts on our terms will overcome the bad feelings about our abuse. It's the 'theory' that two wrongs make a right.

It's another lie to add to the list.

ave

 

[ScottyTodd]

Scot - From what I read in your message, you learned a truly big lesson; maybe several. I celebrated the one learning, however, that healing is for you and revenge is not a part of healing! It takes some folks forever to loosen revenge in order to focus on their own needs and healing.

You are healing even if pains, backslips occur when you don't loose sight of where you are going. Healing is always ahead...keep looking forward, "keeping the MAIN THING the MAIN THING" and you will make it!!! Hang in there!

Howard

 

[The Dean]

Hi Scot,

I am an alcoholic who is recovering today. So, I do encourage you to not use booze as medicine--it never does a really good job as medicine. Medicines don't always do a good job so booze sure as hell doesn't.

Scot, we can be abused, that is one thing; and we can be used. That is another. Both are wrong and make us a harmed, betrayed and/or violated person. So whether you were abused or used, the effects are mostly the same I think.

The falshbacks are hard to take. It may seem odd for my to say this, but after a while I got to a point where they were not as devastating as they were in the first couple of years. I still have nightmares, and there still seems to be some things that are trying to break through to my consciousness. But, I don't let them terrorize me any more. Once I get through them, I call them what they are, I anounce to myself that it is over and I am safe, and I allow myself to cuss a little.

Like someone else said, we probably never get totally over all of this. But, I think I can say that I have gotten over a lot of it. It is not an all consuming problem for me today. If really bad days come in the future, I will know to seek help and who to seek it from.

I suspect that problems, or new "revelations" later in recoveery can be awfully frustrating and demoralizing. But, when I first started to have these things I had no idea what was going on. Now I do. And now I have all of you with shoulders to cry on. And I have some close friends here who would tell me if I started to slip in a way that could be dangerous to me. Can't beat that!

Be patient Scot. You are doing the right things. It is a little like the 12th step in AA. When we help another who is hurting, we get better ourselves. It really does work that way. An other survivor told me that when he started working on his abuse in a treatment facility, the people there told him that ten years is a real good start on the recovery. I don't mean that to disappoint anyone. And I do not think we all heal at the same rate. But I do think it is never just a matter of a couple of months--no matter how much work we do in those couple of months.

Bob

 

[James_dup1]

Scot,
Hey brother. Your so much a sorce of power to me. Even when you feel like you've had a set back your kindness and love shows through. ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
Know I love you brother. And could never tell you enough how much you have helped me over the last week.
James

 

[Leosha]

I am sorry that you are having so much trouble. I wish I had words for you, words to help you deal of this, an dfeel stronger, to put the flashbacks away. I am sorry I can not do that. I read your post, and it was very hard to deal of, just reading it, so I real don't know what to say right now. I would offer words if I had them. I just still am lost in my head and memories that I do not know I can help other. I am glad you have p epole here who can help. I will be thinking good things for you.

leosha