Sept 11

Sept 11
G

Green

Registrant
If it weren't for 9/11, I probably would still be able to suppress my SA. The upcoming anniversary is already making me very nervous. Is there anyone else out there who is also concerned?

My two main concerns is how my job handles it and how the media handles it. Last year, I took off from work and just watched the vcr the week before, never live television. I will probably do the same thing this year.

Green
 
Green,

Thanks for reminding me to be extra gentle with myself in the coming weeks. It was my experience living in Brooklyn during 911 that thrust the sexual abuse into the forefront of my conciousness. I believe that the effects of the post traumatic stress made it impossible to ignore the agony of living in an unrecovered state.

I know I will not watch, read or participate in anything to do with 911.....on the strong advice of my therapist and based on my personal experiences.

I didn't realize how powerful the effect was until I got out of the subway station one day in January down by Trinity Church. There were hundreds of people all around and yet as soon as I took the first breath of that air filled with death, I was instantly all alone.....separated, as if in a bubble from humanity.

I looked up beyond the church, past the military and the people selling souvenirs and felt as though I would pass out. A feeling like a powerful electric current swept through me; I almost vomited on the spot. The blood was pounding in my temples. A darkness fell over my eyes.

That is part of the reason why I will avoid the media and public circus of 911. Green, I hope to make some specific plans to go and be out in a beautiful spot hopefully with a loving and supportive friend during the worst of the reopening of the wounds.

I hope that you can find some way to do the same. Maybe go to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens or up to the Bronx to the gardens there. Or get the hell out of town and do something wonderful that you've always wanted to do.

I've found that being proactive and taking preventive measures is infinitely better that waiting for the crisis to be upon me and then frantically trying to react to it. That scenario mimics too closely the horror of the terrorism itself.

One of the most useful materials I was given that I continue to use was from the Natle Institute in Israel. They specialize in treatment of victims of terrorism and unfortunately have much experience in this area.

When I read the descriptions of how terrorism affects human beings, I realized that it was not a weakness on my part to be so traumatized. It was that the terrorists had managed to succeed in doing what they seek to do.....to traumatize and disrupt the lives of humans. It was reassuring. Much as coming here and learning how sexual abuse affects other men lessened my isolation and fear.

If I could do anything else for you, Green, I would be most happy to. Let me know, send me a PM if you want and I'll be glad to chat.

Your thinking on this seems very sound to me. Take some positive steps to guard and protect yourself during this difficult time. And thanks for reminding me to do the same.

Trauma is trauma. It echoes throughout the lives of humans like us. But we need not continue to suffer so much or feel so alone when we do.

Take care, brother.

Remembering,
 
I had jury duty today, which in Manhattan, means a few blocks from Ground Zero. There were cops on every block, barricades, closed streets, and numerous check points. In other words, it was hell.

I didn't know if I was crying because of my SA or 9/11, but I was crying a lot.

I finally was put on a panel and the defense attorney starts talking about how our rights had been taken away from us since 9/11. I lost it and called him a Bozo in front of the the other jurors while crying uncontrollably. The judge released me from the case.

I'm ok now. I just wanted you guys to know what happened.

Green
 
Green,

Let it out. A lot of people are going to be reacting to the anniversary. I was acutely aware yesterday that it was exactly seven days away. I've been seeing the movie of me, the child, with the Port Authority tour guide watching the construction. Me, the smart ass kid, asking what would happen if a plane strikes one of those buildings when they're done.

I can't go on.

Joe
 
I finally was put on a panel and the defense attorney starts talking about how our rights had been taken away from us since 9/11. I lost it and called him a Bozo in front of the the other jurors while crying uncontrollably. The judge released me from the case.

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Green,

Bravo for calling the defense attorney a "Bozo." If more jurors spoke up during voir dire and said exactly what they thought about the attorneys and parties of a case, there would probably be fewer lawsuits.

Mary
 
Other images from jury duty:

Standing in the bathroom in the courthouse, looking out a window which overlooks lower Manhattan, sweating sweat drops bigger than I have ever experienced in my life.

Taking a half an hour to prepare myself to go through the metal detector. I forgot to take my palm pilot out of my pocket so I set off the alarm and had to be "wanded." Being "wanded" always reminds me of what happened when I was young.


Green
 
Green, you are very much aware of your feelings and the impact events have on you. That is a gift so many do not have. Yet, it is a gift that brings overwhelming sadness.

I share your dread of 9/11. I have to give a talk on that day about it. Seems like it is an agony we somehow enjoy re-living. I want to remember, but I would rather the memory be in the back of my mind. I am talking to people who lost a loved one in that event. Not something I would choose to do.

I hope you, and all of us for whom that event is more than what it was, will get through these days with at least some sense of calm and security--small as it might be.

Bob
 
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