Sensitive spot with a MS

[CodeP]

Thank you in advance for reading my post and for any advice you can give. I have read a ton in these forums but haven't really seen my particular issue addressed.

I met Harry (MS) while working. We were both new to the industry there was a lot to learn and we helped each other out. I was very attracted to him which doesn't usually happen with me. Our friendship quickly intensified and we spent a lot of time together both work and for fun. I was a bit puzzled when he mentioned having a girlfriend as it seemed as if he was pursuing me but we mainly kept it in the friend zone.

We grew closer and things changed a bit in terms of our texting dynamic. We were flirty and texted A LOT.

One day on the phone we were having a conversation about something that I don't remember and the following took place:
Him: I was molested when I was a kid.
Me: oh, I didn't know that.....
Him: I don't tell anyone. When I told my mom she said why didn't you stop it.
I saw a psychiatrist. It was frustrating. I thought I was gay for a while. If I didn't have the parents I have I think I would have be a true sociopath.

It was kind of a drive by convo and I thought it was something that he had a lot of support for, worked on his feelings about, and was on the other side of (as much as he could be).

Fast forward a year later we no longer work together and our texting relationship is extremely sexual and fun. There is also emotional intimacy as we shared many things with each other. He talked of being very sexually frustrated. He wants to see me, wants to go away for a few days etc....

I found out quite by accident that during this time Harry had gotten ENGAGED to Sally his girlfriend!!!
I was shocked and very upset that he did not tell me! He allowed me to carry on and make plans to meet with him and mentioned nothing.
So I confronted him about it and expressed how upset I was. He told me "my kids love her and it is the right thing to do". He mentioned some pressure from her family. I sarcastically wished him well and told him we would no longer be talking.

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This is where the crux of my question comes in. (Finally)
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Harry became very upset. Told me I was the only one he told about the abuse from his cousin except his mother. Talked about his mother's poor reaction. Told me that I am the only one that truly knows him. Begged me to remain friends. Told me he was having a hard time feeling and feels like his humanity is slipping away bit by bit. He was freaking out in general about everything.

I was hurt at the time and I told him that SALLY is the one who should be his emotional support. He said there is no way he is going to tell her. He is seeing a psych again in secret to help deal with the inner turmoil. I told him that he can't compartmentalize his life to where he is his authentic self with me in secret and then goes to live his life with his mask with Sally. It is not fair for any of us.
He begged me to stay in his life said there is no way he could accurately explain the relationship he and I have to anyone. That is how important I am to him.

I was confused and began to read 1in6.org. I got a sense of how profound it is that he told me about the abuse. I felt it would be cruel to abandon him at this point. He seems so fragile emotionally.
I told Harry that I would remain his friend and he should call me when he freaks out and not let it build up. This made him tear up. I did tell him I did not want to remain a secret. He said he would tell Sally about us.

I am not sure I handled this correctly? I am not sure how healthy it is for him to have me on the side as his emotional confident while he begins a life with Sally? I am having a hard time understanding why he would disclose to me and not her? Am I wrong to remain in his life... I just didn't want him to feel abandoned.
If ya'll have any words of advice or can shed some light by sharing from your perspective I would truly appreciate it.

I also thank you for reading what has become a novel!

 

[Nathan James]

It's a complex situation, like with all situations we connect with people on different levels. For example, I confided in my best friend more than I did my ex partner about my issues and feelings. Doesn't mean I didn't love my partner or value our relationship any less.

It's clear that the abuse has affected his mental well being and the fact that he's seeing a Psychiatrist is a good thing.

From my biased view, to leave him now may be detrimental to him especially considering his mothers reaction. Victims of sexual abuse often have a hard time trusting and the fact that he told you he was abused shows that he trusts and values you a great deal.

However, please don't sacrifice your happiness and feelings for anyone else no matter the circumstances of their situation. If you feel uncomfortable and no longer want to carry on your friendship then that's completely understandable. Just make sure he knows that he's not alone and there's a network of guys who knows what he's going through. Maybe recommend a few books, helplines or even this website.

 

[Older1]

Suggestion: Encourage Harry to join this site. He must manage his own affairs, communications and conflicts.
You have been kind to have offered friendship thus far; but, like him, you are each responsible for your own decisions, directions and happiness.
Be happy!!

 

[WontGiveUp]

I have to agree with Older and Nathan... I completely understand your desire to help him, but in the end it is not your responsibility to do so. I would for sure point him to this site, maybe even get him a book called "Victims No Longer". You are this person's friend, and I understand wanting to help them because you care for them - but, and please correct me if I am wrong, it seems that he was persuing more than a friendship, and keeping you on the "down low" (gotta love the new slang right?). To me - this isnt right at all.

As a wife of a survivor (not thriver sadly)I would be completely crushed if my husband had what is essentially an emotional affair with someone else - sharing the emotional intimacy that should be shared with a partner. If he is indeed wearing this mask with his fiance, then its him being irresponsible to her.

It is my personal opinion that he is kinda wanting to have his cake and eat it too - with out regard to how this is harming YOU. It is a very self centered position to take on his part. And he is using what happened to him as an excuse for behavior that would not be acceptable in any other situation. And that isnt right.


I know that might make people upset to hear, but I am of the firm believe that as an adult - you are ultimately responsible for your own actions - regardless of your past. And I dont believe that being abused is an excuse for hurting others. Period. I DO have great love, and understanding of the honest struggle that CSA survivors go through and loving a survivor like I do - I realize that boundries still need to exist both for the supporter AND the survivor.

This is not everyone of course - but many survivors dont have alot of emotional maturity, as their ability to grow and learn "normally" was stolen from them by their abusers. The only way to grow is to learn, and having boundries helps everyone learn what is good and what is bad. Make sense?

 

[OgO]

CodeP,

Firstly thank you for being such a good friend to Harry, even if he doesn't fully appreciate it, and likely Sally definitely won't if she finds out about the texting.

As an MS myself, I would say, a lot of us are a bit screwed up when it comes to our sexual urges - you said he battled with his own sexuality and thinking he was gay - I have been through that myself. I am married, and definitely heterosexual and I still regularly have gay fantasies - which then ten minutes later disgust and sicken me. I also had an 'emotional affair' - with an ex, who knew my story - my wife did also but I don't know, I felt I could talk with my ex about things better, even though I definitely wanted to be with my wife - and even though my ex and I also sent sexual messages to each other as well (I told you we can be screwed up sexually).

So my wife found out and things got bad for awhile but she stuck by me and it's taken a couple of years but we're rebuilding things and doing well. I think that gave me a bit of a jolt in terms of coming to an understanding of how the secrecy of that relationship was wrong - I mean of course I knew that, but at the same time, I didn't stop if you know what I mean. Yes, in the same way as WontGiveUp said Harry seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too - I was probably similar in that regard. I would say perhaps not even out of greed or selfishness, but more in his sexuality - and sexual moral compass - being a bit out of whack. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all... I think her last paragraph actually is very accurate. At a time when our peers were growing and maturing naturally, something very unnatural and wrong was being done to us, and that has impacts many of us don't even realise until many years later. I didn't even realise some of my own behavioural traits until I read them through others here.

But from all that, I would say, Harry really does need to tell Sally, about the abuse at least - he can't expect to build a life with her if he can't be open with her about all aspects of his life. She might walk away, sure - that's a risk. But as much as it would hurt him for that to happen, better it happen now, than in five years time when they are married and have kids.

If you and he both agree on your relationship rules and that you can support him and be friends and there not be a sexual aspect to it, then it sounds like you are a great support for him, and that would be wonderful to continue, but again, Harry can't have someone so important in his life without Sally knowing that you exist and support him at least.

If Harry could come here, or join another online or in person support group with other survivors, that would be fantastic for him. Seeing a psychiatrist is an excellent help, but so is interacting with others who are also survivors. I'd had therapy before, but I'd never communicated with anyone else who was a survivor until I came here and it's helped me so much!

Finally, doing any of this needs to be Harry's decision. It's really hard for you - maybe the most frustrating thing - that you can tell him all the things he can do that would help, but he needs to be ready to do them himself too.

Lastly I would say thank you to you again for caring so much about Harry as to try and help him so much, and I wish you, he and Sally all the very best.

Kind regards

 

[CodeP]

I am so appreciative for your insightful answers to my confusion and questions.
I have reflected quite a bit on what you all have said. I am going to lovingingly keep my boundaries firm. I can suggest this site and the books I have seen recommended on here but I can no longer be his emotional "side chick". I know that logically but became confused because of how unhinged he became.

I am sure I will re-read your responses several times over as I keep myself on track and not ease into old patterns with him. I really do care for Harry. I am sorry he had this happen to him as a boy. Maybe he will learn from this experience and get a few steps closer to being to able live as his authentic self.

Thank you.