Sensing weakness?

[ak]

I have never spent so much time thinking 'why me' when it come to the abuse. I think I probably was a good 'target' of it because I was young, I was 1000km away from home and I was raised to obey adults and not speak back. I do not know those are the reasons, but I am sure they did offer some niceness to those men who do abuse me, to create more the opportunity. To me, to think of 'why me', it is not productive. If it not been me, it would been someone else, and probably also was. So it is not worth my effort.

But someone say something few nights ago when I am in chat room, and it keep in my mind some. Then something I am talking with earlier tonight, it bring it back up again.

I think it is possible to sense weakness of a person. We make judgement of people all the time with hardly knowing them. Yes, sometime those judgements are wrong, and we must change them. But we do it. Even here. We may read someone's thoughts on something and think, well, I do not agree with that, I will ignore that person. And we may save ourself some 'headache' when we do that. Or we may risk never getting better to know someone who can be most helpful to us.

To think on it, animals, with supposedly more primitive brains then ours, they have bright senses. They can sense fear,they can sense weakness. Why is it we cannot? We are animals. We have senses also. We just often do not regard them, as we choose to feel more often we are guided by intelligence. But still, we have it, we use it. We just do not like to think that is us, because it puts us on lower level of evolving probably!

But I do think there are persons who can sense weakness. There are 'psychics', yes? What are they, other then people who are much in tune with another person's body language. They can 'sense' of the other person based on how they respond without words.

So perhaps, there was a weakness that some of our perpetrators sense in us? Maybe not the initial. But for those who been abused by more then one person, perhaps there is something, something that show that our boundaries have been broken before? Not saying it is at all any fault of us, that we 'put off' some 'vibe' or something. But maybe that is answer to 'why me' of some of this. Because those people, they are more primitive in their acting or thinking, and can 'sense' things more then others?

Just was something I was thinking, and curious of what others think.

Andrei

 

[Grobut]

Not all perps pray on "the weak" in a flock, afterall, they are adults and the victims are children, they are allready stronger than their victims.

But ofcourse, all predators will allways prey on the easiest target if given the choice.

 

[FLRich]

Androsh,

I think you are correct, here. It is much like when a guy walks into a bar. There are ladies all over the place. Some are beautiful, some not. The guy quickly assesses the situation as to which woman he has a better chance of meeting. He realizes his own limitations,and is able to pretty much able to judge which women will be receptive to him and which women will probably end up telling him to take a hike!

I think it is the same with predators. Why else would we call them that? The are hunting and preying on their next victim. They assess themselves, their surroundings, and begin scoping out their victims. I believe they know pretty much who they can prey on. They know how to scope out and manipulate others. Very much like a fox!

 

[beachman]

Predators are clever. They know the dance. They approach, try something, and keep pushing boundaries till they're satisfied one way or another. Sometimes they figure it's too much of a hassle. But they will keep pushing and keep preying.

 

[reality2k4]

Androsh, from what I learned as a boy. A perp will probably just look for his prey like an animal.

When he has finished, he seriously weakens the boy, so it leaves him more vulnerable to other perps.

It is seldom that a mugger will mug a confident person in the street, he will look for an easier target.

A perp will have his own *risk assessment psyche*, just like the mugger or thief.

They can sense fear,they can sense weakness. Why is it we cannot? We are animals. We have senses also

Children grow up, in what they think is a caring society, they never have such a sense of high risk that we learn as adults.

Yes, you have those senses now, and I am sure you use them, but it cannot change the past,

ste

 

[Kirk Wayne]

Im with beachman on this as it is exactly what happened to me because of a totally dysfunctional family. I was vulnerable, alone and hurting.

The reason for that hurt?

The death of my favourite grandfather who was in no way dysfunctional as far as I can see and remember ... with hindsight.


Kirk

 

[roadrunner]

Andrei,

Maybe this is just me beating up on myself, but I think I can see I was an easy target. I was shy and introspective, and as I was asthmatic and couldn't participate in a lot of sports I was also lacking in confidence. I was growing up at a time when issues like abuse just were not discussed, and like you, I was taught that kids respect adults and listen to them and do what they say. I got the "stranger danger" warnings in a general sense, but like so many others - as we now know - it turned out that the danger was from someone I knew. My abuser found a perfect feeding ground: a Scout troop, and just waited for his opportunity. All he had to do was identify a target and find a good time to strike.

I think that's what really happened. But that's not how I feel about it. Even today I wonder "why me". You are right: it is an unproductive question. And that is because there's no answer really. As you say, it could have been you or me or any of a hundred others.

But what is useful, I think, is asking why we dwell on that question. For what it is worth, here is my guess concerning my own case.

When I was 11 I don't think I ever asked "why me". I was being tricked and confused and I didn't think there was anything wrong with what was happening; it was our secret, I was special, a lot of the boys are "doing this", etc. As things got worse and I began to suspect that there was something terribly wrong going on, my reaction was fear and shame, not the question "why me".

That question came to me much later, as my decades of denial started to fall apart. And when I asked that question I was thinking as Larry in his 50s not Larry as a pre-teen. When now, as an adult, I ask myself "why me", I am really mixing what I know and how I feel now with what I knew and how I felt 40 years ago. I am thinking why did I listen to his lies, the first time he touched me why didn't I listen to my feelings of nervousness and tension, why didn't I tell my father, and so forth. That is, "why me" is me approaching honestly the question of whether or not it was my fault. At some adult level I know it wasnt and could never have been my fault, but thats Big Larry. Little Larry still feels the pain and fear and shame and isnt satisfied with just "it wasnt my fault". He thinks there may be some better answer if he asks "why me". In my case, all the "why me" answers have to do with faults or mistakes I may have made: I was shy, I was stupid, I could have run, I could have shouted help, and on and on. But I am forgetting something really important: abuse is caused by the perpetrators, not the victims, and if a boy doesnt know he has a choice, then no choice exists!

I dont know if this is making any sense, but I think "why me" is a stage on the way to accepting totally and with confidence that it really wasnt your fault. In that sense, maybe its an important question to ask, not because one of the possible answers is "the One" that cracks the nut open, but precisely because there is no answer. "Why me" is the wrong question, because the very reason we ask that question implies that we did something wrong. We didnt! But there is a need to run through the options I guess. And once we accept that none of the options works or fits, then we will be ready at last to believe (rather than just know) that it wasnt our fault.

I had no idea my post would come to this end when I started, and believe me, I am the last person to claim any right to reassure anyone on these matters. But here it comes anyway.

Larry

 

[ForeverFighting]

Maybe we weren't weak. Maybe we just had needs for normal, healthy love and acceptance. I grew up in the middle of nowhere--no friends, miles away from anybody, in a cold family that did not give love. Then this man shows up and shows me attention. We were kids. We didn't know what the perps wanted. All we saw was attention, and we appreciated it. Maybe the kids who had the love and acceptance at home didn't need that attention as badly as I did. So I went off to play with this guy where other kids might not have. I don't know.

All I know is they took advantage of us. And whether it was the perp or a cold, unloving environment, it wasn't the little boy's fault. He was set up.

Androsh, and everybody else here, it wasn't our fault. We weren't injured deer hobbling through a field of lions. We were little boys. There's no such thing as a weak child. We're born dependent on the adults to take care of us. When they turn on us and use us like rags, it's not because we had a weakness. It's because they were bad people who lied to us and used us. They had the "weakness". If they had been strong, good people, they would have never done such a bad thing to hurt a strong little boy like you.

 

This topic hurts so much. It triggers me to read this. It triggers me to write this. Yet I had to respond.

I agree with ForeverFighting. We were kids.

All I did was be born. All I did was be a baby in a housed filled with love. No one knew how sick my brother was. No one had reason to know the evil he could do at such a little age.

I cried. I pooped. I nursed. I trusted. I was a BABY! What vibes did I put out, huh?

Sorry...this really upsets me.

Jasper

 

[MB57]

I think we are reading too much into it. We should be focusing on accepting it has happened to me rather than why me. why me thoght process assumes it is your fault. I do not thing it is our fault. Let us focus on what happend and how it effected us rather than why me.

 

[Leosha]

I am quite sure Andrei was not writing this to place anyone at fault. And simply by the nature of 'them' being adults and us being children, we were the 'weaker'. That just makes sense.

For anyone to say that humans do not have their own intuitiveness is I think naive. We all have 'sensing' ability. Sometime our 'radar' does not work perfectly. How much in this world of ours does? But there are many times when I 'just get a feeling' about something and someone. There is no reason for it that I comprehend. Perhaps if I were to analyze it to death, it would come from the way they stand, or the way they put words together. I don't know, just that the end result is 'I got a funny feeling'. To assume that a perpetrator does not have the same intuitiveness to perhaps seek a victim less likely to speak out, less likely to end THEIR world, that is crazy to me. I am quite sure that the man who abused me has been doing this for 30-40 years, probably as long as he has been a sporting coach. How many victims have spoken out in that time? I will guess very few, as he is still in the position (although restricted some now due to several recent reports on him). Part of his apparant infallability could be due to our culture, and how much different it was during the times up to ten-fifteen years ago. But part of his 'success' I am sure was his careful choosing of his victims.

The first paragraph of this post was explanation why the person does NOT worry about wondering 'Why me'. Indeed, it is a waste of time and energy. However, I think it is good to remember that every abuser of someone here has failed in their assessment of who truly is 'weak' or not. Because we have all survived against their attempts and some have even taken steps against their abusers. This site is populated by strong people, not weak ones.

Leosha

 

[FLRich]

But I am forgetting something really important: abuse is caused by the perpetrators, not the victims, and if a boy doesn't know he has a choice, then no choice exists!

Larry,

I had to post once more on this topic to thank you for this quote. For 30+ years, I have stuggled with "why", as a boy, I 'allowed' my abuse to continue. This quote just hit me like a ton of bricks. In my mind, no choice existed!

I still believe that my perps could sense that they could convince me that I had no choice, and thus picked me out to abuse. They know those they can prey upon.

It is not so much a "Why me", MB57, as a realization that these perps seem to know who to pick on. It doens't make me any less of a man, or make me take on any more responsibility for my abuse, knowing that perhaps perps sense their prey. They knew also, that they could convince me that no choice existed for me once they molested me. Most of the time, SA is the perfect crime.

Yes there are those individuals who are so brave and strong that they face and fight their perps back, but these are far and few. I admire them greatly, but I also admire everyone here. We are damn sure surviving! That choice exists now for me and everyone here.

 

[Grobut]

We have to be carefull looking back with adult eyes, we where children then, not adults.

 

Hello All:

I feel the need to explain what happened to me yesterday, after I posted a response in this thread.

First, this post triggered me. It made me angry. I knew the points being raised were valid. I knew no one was trying to blame the child being abused and yet...

I got so angry that I blurted out the truth, without even realizing what I was doing. I WAS sexually abused as a baby by my older brother. Until yesterday, until I posted my reply in this thread, I didn't want to believe that. I wasn't sure.

And yet there it was...right there in black-and-white...the awful truth! And I guess what angers me is that I never even got to be a baby. At 9 months old, I was already tainted. That's how it feels. And I am still shocked and digusted by the knowledge that came spilling out of me yesterday when I posted my earlier reply.

Now please...someone tell me...what did I do wrong? I was a baby. I was lying there helpless. I know my Mom probably didn't leave me alone long, just long enough to rinse out the cloth diaper before putting on a new one. (This was in the age before disposable diapers.) And in that brief time, my older brother swooped in. He would play with my penis as if it was a toy. He would cover my mouth and nostrils so I couldn't breathe.

Was I not a good enough baby? Not smart enough? Not strong enough? Not able to fight back enough? Tell me...what was wrong with me then? It feels like this whole thread about our "perps" sensing weakness just doesn't apply in some cases. Or am I wrong?

Take care,

Jasper

 

Hello Again:

I just wanted to add that if I sound angry, it's because I am. I am very angry. But not at you. I am angry at my sick, twisted, evil brother who stole my innocence. I was just a baby, a nine-month-old baby. Seriously, you tell me what I could have done to fight back?

Anyhow, we have a little wooded area on our property, with our own private trail. So yesterday, I was so angry I went in the woods, found a few branches that had fallen down and I beat the hell out of an old tree trunk!!! Let me tell you, that felt good.

But honestly, until yesterday, I really didn't know I was sexually abused at 9 months. And I guess I needed to know the truth. So thank you Andrei for posting what you did.

It hurts so much. I hurt so much. But I'll get through.

Thanks for listening, guys!

Jasper

P.S. And thanks Danny for the good advice!