Ste,
As so often, your post here got me thinking and wondering - about your case, about my own self-worth issues, and about things concerning Dave, who is the only survivor I have ever met "in the flesh".
I think the first thing we have to see is that self-worth is a complicated old bird. At one level, we can say we ALL have worth. That must surely be true, not least of all because we are surrounded by people who in one way or another confirm that we have worth. It's just not in question for them! For example, on this site Ste, you constantly get confirmation of your worth as a person. I myself find you one of the most interesting and fascinating people I know here.
But still, who can deny the problem that when we are talking about our OWN worth, it is often so difficult, even impossible, for us to see it and acknowledge it. What the hell is going on?
I think the key is that when we were boys abuse challenged us to discover how it could be possible for all those terrible things to happen to us if we were worth anything at all. As children, of course, we did not have the resources and skills to figure out that the cruel and heartless crimes of a predator do not make the victim any less worthy of love and respect, or any less important as a human being. Abuse and abusers taught us to DEFINE ourselves in terms of the abuse, and that sent our self-esteem spiraling down into that terrible dark place where we blamed ourselves and figured it was all happening because we didn't deserve anything better.
That feeling of worthlessness, or our fear that the discovery of our worthlessness is right around the corner, is a terrible burden to bear. So why do we carry it?
I think we do that because of the trust issues involved in breaking free. If I really AM worthy as a man, or as whatever else it is I want to be, then it's okay for me to take the risk of asserting myself and waiting to see what happens. But here comes the old crazymaker with its questions. What if I fail? What if everyone rejects me or judges me? What if the risk I am taking just proves how worthless I am? Blah, blah, blah.
For me the answer came not by challenging my feelings of worthlessness - they were just too powerful. What broke me free was working on the issues that MADE me feel worthless. I learned that the abuse wasn't my fault. I discovered that when my body reacted that didn't mean I liked or wanted it. I realized that ANY kid can be devastated so badly that he does whatever he's told. And so on.
And mainly, I learned to separate ME, as Larry, from the abuse and all the crap issues connected with it. I WAS a good kid, period. I DID deserve better, period. And I am better than all that shit now. I am NOT just a check list of horrible things done to a terrified kid. That list belongs to someone else, not to me.
Here I come to my experience with Dave, which I know he will not mind if I mention it here. We met some months ago on his territory up north. I was excited about the idea I was going to be seeing him; we had PMed back and forth and clearly we had a lot in common. But as my train pulled into the station there goes the crazymaker: He knows all the shit I "did" when I was a boy, I'm a nerd, I'm too fucking academic, I can't believe the stupid shirt I'm wearing, What will I say, I don't even know what a 4x4 IS (something on wheels)!
In fact I guess we were a bit awkward for all of five minutes. But guess what? We pretty soon discovered that we were just ordinary guys like any other. We were soon chatting away and the whole day was a smashing success. Whatever had happened to us as boys was discussed, sure, but it DIDN'T DEFINE US. We could relate to each other each with our claims of being worthwhile, loveable important people.
Ste, maybe it's something like learning to swim (yep, this is becoming a new mantra of mine). I ALWAYS had the ability to swim. All I had to do was trust myself, pick up my feet, and take the risk that I wasn't going to sink through the bottom of the pool to the center of the earth.
So my answer to you is this. Of course you have worth, just as we all do. The trick is to acknowledge and accept this fact. For that an act of faith is required. But you ARE a man of faith anyway.
The trick is just to have faith in Ste, take it in small safe steps, and, well, pick up your feet and welcome to the wonderful world of swimming.
Much paddling,
Larry
