Self Reliance

[Born to Resist]

I've recently had a major insight that the concept of self-reliance is triggering for me. When I think or behave in a self reliant manner it takes me back to the moment right after the first time of being abused. Realizing at 4 that I was on my own ... that I could not depend on anyone else, not even God. Feelings of emptiness, being lost, being foresaken, the constant pain of the abuse. With only anger to cope with my negative feelings to deal with all the negativity. I've never been able to see this connection before. It's like all my defensive mechanisims were in place to not figure this out and move past it.

Thus, every thought, every feeling, every action of self reliance on my part brings up the negative emotions and my anger. Simply existing has meant being angry.

I have always know that this not the only meaning of being self reliant. That there are so many postive aspects of being self reliant. Hell parents are suppose to teach their kids to be self reliant.

However I'v been stuck for all these years ... frozen at the moment right after the abuse in my perspective of being self reliant. I never had this piece of information before. Now that I have it ... it is such a relief. The intense negative emotions ... the anger have lessened. I am relieved. I now have something tangible to wok with. I can talk and care for the little boy who needs to know and understand I don't have to feel that way. That it was perfectly natural to feel that way then, but I don't have to feel that way now.

Being self reliant can be a ver postive thing with out the negative emotions and anger. Or at least acknowleding that's not the only way to view being self reliant.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality

 

[markgreyblue]

This is woderful for You, this is a wonderful post. I feel it is light in a symbolic way!

Blessings,

Mgb

 

[markgreyblue]

Light filled, I meant to say.

 

[Morning Star]

Self reliance is confusing as we often confused it with being guarded, that for me is not at all self reliant, infact just the opposite, because when we are, we are relaxed and know that we are protected.

 

[time2heal]

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Thus, every thought, every feeling, every action of self reliance on my part brings up the negative emotions and my anger. Simply existing has meant being angry.
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I have found that my self reliance burns me out from time to time. It adds increased stress because I feel so strongly about doing EVERYTHING myself. I have a hard time accepting help and an even harder time asking for it.