Self Judgement and Trust
Hi my fraternal Brothers,
I need to write this out, and share this as well. Lest I forget and relapse and go back to the dark.
I've lamented about what ails me to many people. I've heard many people respond with the same words, which never clicked for me "You need to forgive yourself". In my opinion, I've already done the work of forgiving myself for bad behavior, and how I treated others. There was nothing to forgive. I knew that I did the best with what I knew at the time. If I had known any better, then I wouldn't have behaved that way.
And yet I still keep getting this advice for feedback, and it never registers. I was pondering this while riding the train to work this morning, thinking to ask my longtime friend Bryan what he thought others might be thinking they see or hear about me which prompts most of them to give me the same advice that always feels like it completely misses the mark. What are people seeing in me that makes them think that I need to forgive myself would work?
While thinking about this, a thought flitted across my mind and landed with a very profound jolt. Judgment is detrimental to building trust. It hit me like a ton of bricks. If I'm judging myself for my own shortcomings, I will never learn how to trust myself. Much less learn to trust others.
A big light went off. More than a big light, an immense sunrise. I don't know if this is akin to the experience of being struck by lightning in a thought, but this feels monumental to me as I write about this a few hours after this happened.
I asked a few people if they felt that judgment has a negative impact on building trust, and every single person said yes. Why did I not think of this? Why could I not see that the anger I had over the disabilities I was born with is coming from self judgment? And why couldn't I see that as long as I was judging how small and stupid I felt as a result of being severely hearing impaired, that as long as I held onto the judgment, I would never learn how to trust?
I desire so badly to learn how to trust so I can have emotional connections to other people. And I've been lamenting for over 2 years now that I can't seem to learn how to feel trust. I can practice everything that is supposed to build trust, being open, vulnerable, honest, forgiving, etc... but no amount of practicing these activities allowed me to feel trust with others, or of my own experience.
It seems to be so simple to me now, even though this was a major and profound epiphany this morning. Judgment betrays trust. Period. Self judgment betrays self trust. The way to build trust with the self is to stop being judgmental of where I am at right now, completely accept what I perceive to be true, without judgment.
And a whole lot of things that have been said to me start to make sense now. That my beliefs (judgments) are limiting me far more than my perceived limitations (disabilities) are.
Damn.
I need to write this out, and share this as well. Lest I forget and relapse and go back to the dark.
I've lamented about what ails me to many people. I've heard many people respond with the same words, which never clicked for me "You need to forgive yourself". In my opinion, I've already done the work of forgiving myself for bad behavior, and how I treated others. There was nothing to forgive. I knew that I did the best with what I knew at the time. If I had known any better, then I wouldn't have behaved that way.
And yet I still keep getting this advice for feedback, and it never registers. I was pondering this while riding the train to work this morning, thinking to ask my longtime friend Bryan what he thought others might be thinking they see or hear about me which prompts most of them to give me the same advice that always feels like it completely misses the mark. What are people seeing in me that makes them think that I need to forgive myself would work?
While thinking about this, a thought flitted across my mind and landed with a very profound jolt. Judgment is detrimental to building trust. It hit me like a ton of bricks. If I'm judging myself for my own shortcomings, I will never learn how to trust myself. Much less learn to trust others.
A big light went off. More than a big light, an immense sunrise. I don't know if this is akin to the experience of being struck by lightning in a thought, but this feels monumental to me as I write about this a few hours after this happened.
I asked a few people if they felt that judgment has a negative impact on building trust, and every single person said yes. Why did I not think of this? Why could I not see that the anger I had over the disabilities I was born with is coming from self judgment? And why couldn't I see that as long as I was judging how small and stupid I felt as a result of being severely hearing impaired, that as long as I held onto the judgment, I would never learn how to trust?
I desire so badly to learn how to trust so I can have emotional connections to other people. And I've been lamenting for over 2 years now that I can't seem to learn how to feel trust. I can practice everything that is supposed to build trust, being open, vulnerable, honest, forgiving, etc... but no amount of practicing these activities allowed me to feel trust with others, or of my own experience.
It seems to be so simple to me now, even though this was a major and profound epiphany this morning. Judgment betrays trust. Period. Self judgment betrays self trust. The way to build trust with the self is to stop being judgmental of where I am at right now, completely accept what I perceive to be true, without judgment.
And a whole lot of things that have been said to me start to make sense now. That my beliefs (judgments) are limiting me far more than my perceived limitations (disabilities) are.
Damn.
