Self Inflicted Pain

Self Inflicted Pain
M

Mike Church

Registrant
Last night I went to the roller rink in Kitchener and played some inline hockey again. Once again without protection. Got hit and separated (dislocated my shoulder) for about the 10th time in two years. Drove to hospital got fixed and was given percodan. Tried to drive back and road got fuzzy. Two police officers helped me and got me and my car back to the University of Waterloo. Went into chat to see my brother wolves. My typing and my thought processes slowd down measurable and my typing went to hell in a hand basket. Too much percodan I guess.

What this is all leading up to is how, throughoutmy life I have practiced inflicting I pain on myself, all the time knowing what I was doing and being unable to stop.

The pain of blaming myself, physically re-enacting my abuse, being abusive with authority, prostitution, drugs. And the list goes on and on. I have been guilty of trying to sabotage every good thing that has come my way. Job recognition, my marriage and the relationship with my wife and my daughter. I have always tried to destroy my self confidence and sense of self worth. I havddone drugs and alcohol.

All of this caused me great personal pain. I seemed to grovel in it and relish it.

I am very good at helping others and have been terrible at practicing what I preach. Much the same as how I tell people to wear protection when skating but consider that is for them and not for me cause I am special and unique.

When the made me they threw away the mould.

Well you know what I AM NOT UNIQUE. Comes as a bit of a surprise. I have the same needs andwants as everyone else here,the same hopes and aspirations and everything else. The only thing unique about me is my experiences and how I relate to them.

From now on I am going to wear protective gear when playing inline hockey. It had to be beaten into me.

I also found out something else this morning. I really dont like pain. I am not addicted to it like I thought I was. I used this thought as an excuse to wallow in self pity so I could give myself the mental pain that I craved. Screwey isn't it. Pain hurts (physical). But mental pain hurts more. And by physically hurting myself again I now realize that I dont like any kind of pain.

Now I dont mean I cant handle pain of any sort because, god knows, I have learned how handle anything. I just do not want to be the cause of any physical or emotional pain anymore.

I thought about all the guys I talked to last nite. And we had a lot of fun (as I can recall). And while I probably dont remember all of what we talked about I can remember vividly the laughter and fun a bunch of wolf pack members were having. And we are all supposed to wear ashes and sack cloth.

Yeh we all have issues but we also have time for fun and that is terribly important I think. Because of the fun I got yanked into a new realization that it is better to play and have fun in everything you do than to inflict needless physical and emotional pain upon yourself. I am going to try never again to beat myself up about my past or what I did.

It happened, it is past and I am going to spend the rest of my life in the future cause that is where I belong and WITHOUT THE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE that is painful.

So my brother wolves of last night I thank from the bottom of my heart.

Any thoughts guys??
 
I think that we, your brothers, understand that struggle.

I was just thinking that I am rollercoastering up and down. And that the rollercoaster is conterproductive to my desire to help others. But it isn't.

In the perfect world, which some would have us believe exists out there, somewhere, for someone, men and women go along with their business and life and loves without making mistakes. But in the world I know, we make mistakes all the time.

We try to make as few as possible, and we try to learn from them (for example, I think you may have learned that you do not relish the pain as much as you thought). That is life.

Now, as usual, I will go about trying to understand why that makes perfect sense when I say it to you, yet cannot put it into emotional practice for me.

Peace,
James
 
I am very good at helping others and have been terrible at practicing what I preach.
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I hear ya bro... :rolleyes:

From now on I am going to wear protective gear when playing inline hockey. It had to be beaten into me.
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You better, brother wolf! You hurt yourself like that again & I'll nip you!
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Playfully of course! :D

I also found out something else this morning. I really dont like pain. I am not addicted to it like I thought I was. I used this thought as an excuse to wallow in self pity so I could give myself the mental pain that I craved. Screwey isn't it. Pain hurts (physical). But mental pain hurts more. And by physically hurting myself again I now realize that I dont like any kind of pain.
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Mike my brother this is a powerful epiphany experience for you! And it blesses me to hear it!
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Now I dont mean I cant handle pain of any sort because, god knows, I have learned how handle anything. I just do not want to be the cause of any physical or emotional pain anymore.
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This reminds me of the Prayer of Jabez. Some of you may have read the book. This is the prayer, slightly paraphrased but with words true to the meanings:

"Oh that You would bless me and expand my horizons
and that Your hand might be with me, that You would keep me from being pained and from being a pain!"

Jabez did not want to hurt, himself or anyone else

That's you brother Mike!
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I thought about all the guys I talked to last nite. And we had a lot of fun (as I can recall). And while I probably dont remember all of what we talked about I can remember vividly the laughter and fun a bunch of wolf pack members were having. And we are all supposed to wear ashes and sack cloth.
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Yeah right! Enuf of that!
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It happened, it is past and I am going to spend the rest of my life in the future cause that is where I belong and WITHOUT THE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE that is painful.

So my brother wolves of last night I thank from the bottom of my heart.

Any thoughts guys??
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Yeah my friend: Keep dropping that painful emotional baggage from the past as much as you can...

...and start wearing your protective gear!
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LYLAB

Victor
 
Mike, I know of another SA victim who does B&Es and other illegal things. He says the illegal activities give him a high, that he needs the high. He was recently diagnosed as suffering from depression. I also used to be very self abusive, i.e. cutting myself and not taking care of my physical safely. I have a theory that sometimes people do physically dangerous and painful activities to catapult themselves from depression .... something to lift themselves out of the dark clouds and distract them from their mental/emotional suffering. Just a thought.
Peace, Andrew
 
Hey, Mike, not so fast.

I don't know if you remember but there was one hell of a tab that you stuck me with last night.
I think that it came to just a little over $150.00.

I'll PM you with my address so you can send it to me.

Glad you had fun, but there is this tab thing....

Oh, yes, while I wouldn't suggest petit point as a new hobby for you, you might think about coaching the younger guys.
_______________________________________________

You're always such a supporter of this pack, I wish you the peace that you seek.

Your brother,
David
 
Mike
Does this remind you of Josephd's post - "I fell...very, very hard" ?

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=002001

Something comes along and throws us a curve ball ( as I believe you you guys say ;) ) and we go right back into our old defence and survival techniques.
And it doesn't seem to matter if it's a good ball or a bad one. We can't seem to deal with feeling good or crappy. We like to coast along feeling no pain.

How about dominoes, not too much blood and gut's there Mike ?

Dave
 
You guys:

That is what we give each other brotherly love and support. And we all need it. We are decent human beings all of us and we deserve all the good things life throws at us.

Ivanhoe what was the tab for.
 
I do this very literally. :( I have managed to not do this as much anymore, but I haven't been able to stop entirely. I can't help myself when I get really stressed. I will cut and burn myself, mostly on my arms, I don't even care who sees the scars anymore. It's how I learned to deal with pain, I don't know another way. I know I'm not alone in it but I feel very stupid and weak...
 
Josh,
I've been sitting here staring at your last post about hurting yourself. Never have I felt more like coming through the screen, taking you by the shoulders, looking you straight in the eyes and telling you that you are a loved young man. All of us can see how you affect the boards here.
The guys love and support you.
Reading about your pain, the father in me wants to take it away and make it better.
That's what I think the positive side of my abuse is, it has opened my eyes to seeing and being able to comfort my children when they've been in pain.
I've seen you, here, how you gently talk to what ever guy you're commenting to and easing their pain.
I wish that I could convince you that you matter more than you're able to see right now. When any of us truly understands our power to heal our selves, and others, is when we have those relationships that are so important to us.
I'm not suggesting that we have God like powers, it's just that when we start arriving at one milestone or another, we stand back and almost can't believe that we've come so far.
It may not seem like it at times, Josh, but as hard as you're working at recovery of self, you're gunna make it my friend. Those sayings of "be strong," that are said around here are not idle phrases, but are a kind of bite the bullet as one gets a hypodermic.
Someday, we're going to meet at a conference or retreat and you'll get that hug, that, for the time being, is being sent via this machine,(((Josh)))
Be strong,
Your brother in the struggle,
David
 
Hey Mike as you know from our chat last night I'm the same way , very self-destructive . I even avoid taking Meds knowing that if I dont all hell will break loose ! Go figure = (

But Mike you said something that stuck with me , u said " Be Gentle with Yourself " . I'm thinking alot about that ....

Take care ,

Jack
 
Mike,
Reading your post helps me see the things in my life I've done to try to numb my pain, and the things I still do. I'm a expert at "talking the talk", but fall very short of "walking the walk". I'm told the first step is being able to say it to yourself. Well I don't know about that. I think the first step is what you have done, accepting thats what your doing. It takes more than just saying something. I can say all day long I'm going to quite smoking as I light another one. But untill I stand and scream at the top of my lungs "I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW!!!" (not today, not the next time I see my "t" but right now) I will never quite anything I do. I did this with drugs 5 years ago, before I even told anyone about my abuse. I just walked away from them, I wish I could say I never looked back but that would be a lie. I look back all the time, I fight with it every day. Brother wolf.....your loved, your cared for. We are here to help you.
James
 
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