Self-image

Self-image
Hauser

Hauser

Registrant
Me again. Tallsteve told me something that gave me pause.........very long pause........something I had not really considered since coming here to MS.

Brief background. I've been my own worst enemy my whole life. I'm a classic underachiever, I've not amounted to anything in my adult life. No money, no intimacy, social isolation, no career, etc.

In my discussions with Tallsteve, while on this subject, I was expressing my desire to be "normal" and "like myself" for who I am etc. I just want to be like everyone else.

He then replied with a statement that said, in so many words, "You may NEVER be that, have you considered that?"

I was like, WOW. Is my quest my recovery needlessly esoteric in nature? Is what I'm looking for going to take longer than I will live? Will I ever find what I'm looking for? Am I ever going to find a way to reverse this problem, can it be solved? Am I hoping for too much?

I don't even know what to do without those goals. If I only try to cope with the problems, then it seems that I'm destined for the same course that I've plotted in my life so far. I feel lost. What AM I supposed to hope for if not to be "normal"?

Just wondering what you guys might think about this.
 
If I break my leg during a rock climbing mishap, I may never heal exactly "normal", meaning I may have limitations that are different from other people who haven't had the same accident. Does that mean I've failed? Or that I have no goals for which to reach? I don't think so. In fact, my limitations may even help me to be a better person in some ways than the man who's never had to face difficulties. I strive to be more than what I was.

I guess what I'm tyring to say is, with this leg I may never climb Mt. Everest. But that doesn't mean I'm stuck watching Oprah from a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Abuse changes us. We're running and hiding, feeling shame for existing, all these emotions other men have no clue about. I know that if I spend too much time with people or put myself in socially uncomfortable situations too much, I will suffer for a few days or weeks afterwards. I have a limitation. I know I'm addicted to things most people don't even know about, and I have to avoid things that would seem unimportant to "normal" people. I know I sometimes look at the world through a hurt kid's eyes instead of those of an adult man, so I have to remind myself what that's all about from time to time.

But that doesn't mean by any means that I was stuck banging my head on tables, cutting, and thinking thoughts of doom for the rest of my life. I learned a new way. I talk to people. I'm writing here. I can empathize with people I would have avoided before. I go to dinner with friends. I have hope. There is recovery. I doubt when you're fully recovered you'll be anything like the Cleaver family (thankfully), if that's supposedly "normal". However, you can find acceptance. You can like yourself for who you are.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The perfect fictional life we all wish were out there may not exist, but a life that's a million times better than where we've been does exist. The road is called Time.

Hang in there. Reach for your goals. I used to tell my therapist the same thing: I need hope. I'm doing so much better ten years later. The hope is valid.
 
Hauser,

Early in 2000 I fell in a freak accident and crushed my right shoulder right back to the neck. Everything was utterly destroyed and had to be rebuilt. I had no sensation at all in my right arm for a time after the surgery, though after extensive physiotherapy I recovered that and was able to relearn how to write (being right-handed). The bad news is that I never regained more than about 70% use of my arm and even today I catch myself propping up my right arm with my left.

At first I was devastated to learn that this damage would probably last the rest of my life. There would be so many things I would never be able to do again, and I felt very angry at the world about the whole episode.

But you know what? Today I am fine. I get along and I have learned to accept what I can and can't do. Most people who know me have no idea I have this disability. I have even figured out a way to throw Bruno's fence-post for him! This accident has lost its ability to harm me by making me resentful and angry; I don't even think of myself as disabled in any way, and neither does anyone else. I am at peace so far as the accident is concerned. I of course still wish it had never happened, and I remember the terrible pain of the accident, the surgery and the physio I had to go through. But what happened has lost its ability to detract from how I live the rest of my life.

I think that is what you can expect to get from recovery where CSA is concerned - peace. We don't get to forget, but do we even want that? I don't. What we get is an ability to live and enjoy our lives without the negative feelings we have now. Normal? I have no idea. To me that problem isn't important. I am me, and that is how I want to live. Perhaps my ability to do certain things or cope with certain feelings will remain lessened, but that too I will learn to live with.

I think the comparison with my arm is again useful here. I cannot extend it without a strange set of adjustments as I go along. I can't pick up anything heavy with my arm extended. My grip is weak and will always be that way. But I accept all that and sometimes I even joke about it. There is so much more to me than a jury-rigged right arm. :) And my handwriting was always terrible anyway! I don't consider myself abnormal because of what happened.

I also think that there is so much more to us than our identity as abuse survivors. I think we CAN get past this, and when we do we will not identify ourselves as less than normal because of what some sick bastard(s) did to us years ago.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hauser,

My goal as a survivor is that I will continue to live more in the world, more in the moment, more authentically. And yes, every so often I catch myself thinking "Well, gee, that sounds so .............. small. And anyway, isn't life just life? How can you live inauthentically, if you're living at all? How can you be out of a moment, out of the world, yet living?" I wish I had the answers to these questions; on the flip side of the coin, I have the goal, and my increasing awareness of times when my past overtakes my present. With the goal, and the awareness, I can see a better future. Not the rosiest of scenarios, but considering the sh*t I've put myself into in the decades of my adulthood, it'll be better than it was.

FF & RR have lots of wisdom posted above. Imagining a static ideal and trying to mold myself into it would be stultifying for me, like Larry with his physiotherapy, I'm going on a path on which I try to achieve the potential that I know I have inside. No looking backwards, except to learn. No telling myself that I "should be" this that or the other, because the bottom line is: I'm not. I'm me, it's today, and I'm here.
[/RAMBLINGON&ON]

Hugs to you,
John
 
No, perhaps you will never be normal. But perhaps, you were never meant to be 'normal'. I would rather be extraordinary.

andrei

(edited for better word)
 
You are right about that, because you would never be normal, if that means being what you were before the abuse.

But there is always a possibility of something new rising from the ashes of the old, as you let go of the old.

And to allow the better self to rise up is the challenge. To know that the shell needed to crack before the new could arise.

Embrace the new You!

:)
 
I wanted to be normal so badly growing up, but that desire for safety left me unable to spontaneously explore myself and the world. Trying to be normal was one of the huge effects of abuse that left me to feel and probably appear abnormal and affected. I feel like your goal of normality (at least from my experience) might not be possible like you said, but I think that liking yourself for who you are is totally different from being normal. Liking yourself for who you are requires embracing your abnormalities and eccentrities.
 
yeah, i totally agree with kid A (i love your name, by the way. i love radiohead :) ) you gotta just learn to like the things that make you different from everyone else. it's those things that make us here on the board like you so much.
 
Hauser, frankly I think the response you received was inappropriate. Its like if my kid told me he wanted to be an astronaut, I would reply that he should consider bagging groceries

Just my $0.02

Will
 
Thanks guys, I was just trying to share a rare moment of some rather deep complexion for me. Something that I never really considered.

I've heard it once said, in so many words, that the greatest men conquer themselves, not countries or empires, etc.

I thought it was Aristotle talking to Alexander, but I could have my names and time wrong. Hey anyone know that line? I'm weak on Classical Civilization. :)
 
I do not have good self-image. But if someone tell me I can not do something, I will prove that they are incorrect. Every time. Anyone who say you can not be what you wish, I say, prove it to me, that I can not. I will do it.

Also, if you think you can not reach what you seek, perhaps it only mean you seek something not right for you.

VN
 
Have you really considered what TallSteve actually meant?

I have always found him pretty good in chat, he is a cool guy to talk to.
He also has indepth knowledge of SA.

My self image is badly damaged also, I just always think, what next!
I keep stumbling and wonder what is the way to put out the fire that keeps following me around!

None of us can be who we would have been, but would we have been better off if SA did not happen!

I guess so, we would have been able to make relationships and friends, maybe even achieve a whole load more, and believe me, "I am a classic underachiever".

Take a look at the World that surrounds you, would you want to be like a lot of the people who regard themselves as normal?

I can never be "normal", but I guess I never wanna be.
SA changed my life, and led me to be a different guy, but it is based still on my child mind, and how he just wanted his World to be.

I guess you too got sick of looking in mirrors, just letting things go, etc.
Feeling like the little guy who was worthless.
Yes, I do, I constantly get brought back to that one.

I have to look after the little guy who is me, he still wants to achieve and be noticed.
He never hurt anybody, but he lives in a World of constant hurt.

Is this what you also see?
I can see how you took tall steve the wrong way, but he is a good guy who not hurt you.

We all would love to see how we would have meant to be, but if you have done your best, then that is good enough in the World, and even more than good enough, because you are a fighter,

ste
 
Thanks for your input ste.

Let me clarify something. Tallsteve didn't say anything that hurt my feelings ok? Not at all! I was also quoting him by memory, so don't take it as something he literally said ok?

I can't see Tallsteve ever hurting anyone's feelings, even by accident.

ste? Do you remember being younger? Do you remember being a little to "preocupied" to think about your future? Do you ever reminisce about choices that you have made? I keep thinking of how foolish I was to dismiss many golden opportunities. Only the wisdom of my age allows me to see the mistakes now. I paid a terrible price for this.

He stole my future away from me.
 
What you have to realise that little ste always gets thing wrong, so somehow I read the statement wrong. Or did I!

I can't see Tallsteve ever hurting anyone's feelings, even by accident.

ste? Do you remember being younger? Do you remember being a little to "preocupied" to think about your future? Do you ever reminisce about choices that you have made? I keep thinking of how foolish I was to dismiss many golden opportunities. Only the wisdom of my age allows me to see the mistakes now. I paid a terrible price for this.
Click to expand...
I guess I got to an age of 13yo in my life, it was like transition from childhood to adulthood, and it lasted to almost 15yo and beyond.

I felt like I just not had a childhood, I worked so many chores to just justify my parents love and understanding with this kid who is not quite right!

I just had to fight at the time, when all he wanted to do was play and be like other kids, but it was just so hard to be a kid then.

Trying to pretend you are not hurt is never easy, and kids pick it up on radar, good or bad, but bad is when they pick on you as a loser.

I guess I should not have had to fight something that was not my fault, but I had to always seem to fight to just be me, so if I am the whatever God made me to be, it was not right.

I seemed to live in his World were it is impossible to live through, and I guess you may have felt yourself in the same place.

You know how deep it goes.
It can strangle your soul.
I guess I could not invite a soul mate into this type of hurt, because it really is steep.

I have just found myself curling up into a ball like I did as a kid,and I want to not do it,

ste
 
What is normal?

I've dug out the dictionary that I used to challenge some of the recent statements in court!

Norm: A rule; a pattern; a model; an authorative standard; a type;.

Normal; According to a rule, principle, or norm; conforming with a certain type or standard; not abnormal; regular.

When you read those two descriptions of being normal, the only part that concerns me is "not abnormal". I believe that is what we really fear, being abnormal to some ideal that we imagine!

Just because someone fits in with all of the text book codes of being normal, doesn't mean that they fit the norm! How is a 'normal' household populated these days? Is it 2 parents with 2.4/2.2/1.8 children, 3 cats, a dog and a mother-in-law? Is it a single parent on benefits with multiple kids to multiple partners? Is it the single person with a goldfish? Is it the middle aged person caring for 1/2 elderly parents that have seen their best days? Is it the person that lives alone because they cannot understand how other people in modern society care so little for others? Is it the person that lives in sheltered accomodation because they don't have full capacity to care for themselves. Is it the young alcoholic that lives in a retired person's bungalow, because they cannot look after themselves. Is it the single person that lives alone, but cares for others within the community through charity work? Is it the household where a young child looks after junkie or alcoholic parents?

I would say that they are all 'normal' households in this day and age!

I don't think that my 'realm of normality' is that bad when I state some of the other options.

Many of the 'norms of society' are imprisoning!

Maybe they are all 'normal households' - I am sure that you can all add different versions to this!


I think that sometimes when we say 'normal', we really mean 'ideal'.

I would love to have the large detached house, with a roaming garden. The wife that had a fantastic career, but was also the most fantastic earth mother to a brood of extremely happy and healthy kids. The best food always in the larder with good wine to wash it down with.

Switching on the television to find out that we once again had bumper harvest, that crime was again at a zero rating. That everyone was extremely nice to each other and we all wanted for nothing!

I think that for me, 'being normal' is accepting that life isn't that bad, and trying to live that life... we only have one as far as I can confirm!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
hey hauser you snuck this post in while i was away ,cause you know id be on your butt about it huh? so tell me do you think that if you make some bad choices ,that you can never make up for them? the day you first came hewre and decided to help any one you could you made a choice that should make up for the bad ones . forget the bad decisions and think about some of the good ones you are making now ,if you truly change a persons life for the better ,how can that not be something to be proud of? i said it before when i see guys here getting down on them selves .i want to say hey thats my friend your talking about ! what about the goals you dont even think about? i dont know if saving someone from themself was a goal for you but you acomplished it .go easy on hausr k?hes a good friend of mine!!! adam
 
Hauser,

While I wish the bad stuff had never happened, I find myself in a position I would never have had the privelage to be in had it not happened. I can now sympathise, empathise, cry with, love, hug, support, hold, pray for, laugh with, and otherwise cherish those who are walking the same path I have. I count that to be the most incredible of honor's, and I wouldn't miss it for all the "normal" in the world.

You too, are an incredibly blessed man. I've watched you over the months as you've done the same with other men that come to our little community, including myself. Don't underestimate your place in this life or in ours.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, friend.

Lots of love,

John
 
Tough one. I've been struggling with this issue. It seems to me that recovery isn't an end state or a finish line. It's a journey towards living a healthier life. As I get healthier it still means that the negative thoughts and feelings infiltrate and try to dominant everything, but that I can cope in a helathier manner. That I can make a healthier choice and not be a servant to unhealthy choices. It doesn't mean that its easier ... it means that its healthier. Will I ever be normal? Completely normal and healed like crossing the finish line? While I still hope so, I'm thinking probably not. However my life can be healthier and better as long as I continue the journey of recovery.

Wisdom-Courage-Spirituality
 
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