Self Hate

[sonlite]

1. Does anyone else feel like they are fragmented Or like there's another personality state living inside your head which takes over? ...

2. I have been fighting my whole life it seems w something I call "the evil". By this I mean I can get in these phases of something which takes over in me (in my head) arguing w myself, and vehemently belittling and insulting myself, and telling myself how the world is so unsafe and screaming that I won't accept any peace or goodness bc I don't DESERVE any goodness. All laced w hurtful, awful language and its like the kind of verbal assaults which can break a spirit. I feel like its something which bullys me and WANTS and ENJOYS me to Suffer and something which laughs at me when I fail and feel upset. Only its coming from withIN.

3. Sometimes it gets so bad I talk and yell and scream at myself in some very scary growling voice in the car.

4. And five minutes later, I can be fine and talk normal and smile at co-workers, as if I had never been abused or bullied earlier in life at all.

5. But later the self-HATE will return. And I seem helpless to fight it or to try to reason w it. Its like an image of someone standing over a crippled kid, using that poor kid's braces or crutches to beat him to death. And I feel the fear and sadness of that poor, defenseless and dying little boy.

6. the main question ... WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT?

7. I lack the skill set to just "go to my happy place" and think kind thoughts, and bc my abuser was a priest, I really, really struggle w having the faith the God could, or would do anything for me. I mean no one noticed me or stood up for me as a boy, why would I want to have faith?

 

[Bill_1965]

1. Does anyone else feel like they are fragmented Or like there's another personality state living inside your head which takes over? ... isn't there? The parts of us that like us, the parts that dwell on our negatives, the parts that blame us, the parts that are selfish, the parts that are caring, the parts....

2. I have been fighting my whole life it seems w something I call "the evil". By this I mean I can get in these phases of something which takes over in me (in my head) arguing w myself, and vehemently belittling and insulting myself, and telling myself how the world is so unsafe and screaming that I won't accept any peace or goodness bc I don't DESERVE any goodness. All laced w hurtful, awful language and its like the kind of verbal assaults which can break a spirit. I feel like its something which bullys me and WANTS and ENJOYS me to Suffer and something which laughs at me when I fail and feel upset. Only its coming from withIN. That would be our Committee of Assholes, or whatever we chose to call it. The negative part of us that keeps telling us that we are no good and that we deserve all the bad that happens and then more. That lying part. That part ingrained into us by evil people so they can get away with there evilness.

3. Sometimes it gets so bad I talk and yell and scream at myself in some very scary growling voice in the car. I have been know to do that. Misinformed and outright wrong things like "you asshole, why the f**k did you do that." Very little truth in that, the Committee of Assholes making noise. I am my worst critic.

4. And five minutes later, I can be fine and talk normal and smile at co-workers, as if I had never been abused or bullied earlier in life at all. Reason and truth does come back.

5. But later the self-HATE will return. And I seem helpless to fight it or to try to reason w it. Its like an image of someone standing over a crippled kid, using that poor kid's braces or crutches to beat him to death. And I feel the fear and sadness of that poor, defenseless and dying little boy. The Committee of Assholes fight back and don't want to be silenced like they should be. Usually the loudest screamers are those that are entirely wrong. Since reason and logic doesn't support their cause, volume is used.

6. the main question ... WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT? Realize the truth. That you are deserving of good. That those voices aren't your voices but theirs, don't give them credence.

7. I lack the skill set to just "go to my happy place" and think kind thoughts, and bc my abuser was a priest, I really, really struggle w having the faith the God could, or would do anything for me. I mean no one noticed me or stood up for me as a boy, why would I want to have faith? The Happy Place is a coping skill that has to be learned. It isn't a permanent solution, just something to get you through a hard moment and give you an emotional break. I don't know if you are in therapy or not. If not, you may want to consider it. Same with theraputic medications to help in the mean time.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. We all deserve some good in our lives and none of use deserve the shit that 'they' want us to keep living to keep us quiet and surpressed.

Take care,
Bill

 

[Dan88]

Yup, I have this problem too. I can't say I've mastered it. For a long time I worried it meant I had multiple personalities. I was really glad to find out that it didn't.

There are a couple of things I do that might help. I try to short circuit it by immediately contradicting it loudly. It may sound crazy, but if I can somehow disrupt the train of negative thoughts it will often snap off. I sometimes listen to it and argue with it, which again seems to work.

Usually if the negative voices are really going crazy, there's a reason for it. So I try not to just ignore it but figure out why it's happening. That's not always easy, but as often as not when the negative drumbeat gets really loud it's because I'm not taking care of myself in some important way.

I would also second what Bill says about talking to a therapist about this. They can give you helpful pointers.

Take care and good luck.
Dan

 

[grendyl]

I yell out when I am in the car also and at home as well but it is short bursts and more random; it exhibits as a nervous tick when others are around.

You are dealing with this issue head on in this post, that takes a lot of courage IMO.

 

[Oz]

I can relate to what you're saying mate. I have OCD where I spend every minute of the day seeing myself doing really horrible stuff like molesting children or stabbing my parents. I scream in my head for me to stop thinking like that but the more I fight it the harder it fights back. It's such a little bitch and I can't beat it no matter how hard I try. Sometimes it makes me so scared to move off the couch or my bed, the only way I can trust my actions is if I'm lying perfectly still. It's as if my mind has betrayed me and wants to fuck my life up good and proper and so far it's done an awesome job at doing it.

 

[Bernard]

I can definitely relate sonlite. That part of me says things like "You stupid idiot". "You fucking idiot". When someone tells me they love me that part says, "They don't mean that." or asks, "Why would they love you? They are just saying that." It is a very old part. That is I remember that part saying things like that as far back as age 4 or 5. Those messages were the messages that I encoded from the abuse and neglect, including but not limited to sexual abusse by a priest, that I experienced throughout my childhood. It is a sad and lonely part of me. What has helped? Therapy has helped a lot. Reading, especially books by Mike Lew, has helped a lot. Finally talking about it with other people, trusted friends, has helped a lot. Learning to take care of myself by getting good sleep, taking anti-depressants, exercising, not drinking alcohol, eating well and not over working too much all help as well. I also am learning to talk with this part of me, to hold it and nurture it. It is really just a little boy that needs loving. The part is still there and it stills says this stuff all the time. I have been dealing with this actively for only three years (I am 52). Before that I minimized, denied and rationalized the abuse and neglect that I experienced as as child. I have been told by several excellent therapists that "recovery" is possible. I expect it to take 2-5 years, but that hope keeps me working on it.