Self-Doubt

Self-Doubt
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onlyakid

As most of you know, Self-Doubt is a common effect of sexual abuse and it is certainly something that has effected me. Another effect of SA is the feeling of incompetience or feeling like a fraud in one's job. My point is (and yes I have one :D ) that I was reading a book on Windows XP (for all of you who don't know I fix PCs for a living), I had this feeling of confidence that hey I know all of this stuff. However that was I guess scary, I guess I wonder if I know all this then what is the problem why do I have trouble at work. Why do I sometimes feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I guess it also is a feeling of anxiety about what if this doesn't work out. Its strange, I want to heal from this but I also don't want to heal. I guess I'm really afraid that I'll find out that it wasn't the SA that kept me back and it was just me.

I don't really know what the heck I'm asking for but I guess if people have any suggestions they would be welcomed..

Jason
 
Jason - I think that at times we all have problems recognising our own abilities. I struggled with that for many years, then other people started identifying that I had capabilities.

I was at Grammar School in England when I was abused (not actually at school) - I went from being Grade A to mister average and tried to stay there for ever. Hiding in the background - nobody really comments on Mr Average do they?

When I was about 30, I stopped playing in Bands & stopped doing dead end jobs. Funny thing was that in the job I started then, I tried to just get on with the job without being noticed - strangely that attitude got me noticed (I was working in special needs at the time - Adults with learning difficulties)& got promoted & first chance at several training courses because of my attitude...my Boss actually suggested that I went to university & get a degree (I thought I was too old so didn't bother). Funding dried up in this job & I applied for an international electronics company that was opening locally (semi-conductors). I had no relevant qualifications, but had some Teaching/Training/Assessing qualifications by then.

I got the job & somehow progressed rapidly again (by getting on with the job & hiding in the background). I started as a Production Operative & ended up as a Shift Supervisor within a short time frame (I wonder how to this day - everyone else was so competitive).

I was sent on a Management Training Course (HNC level) & as a result was entered into a competition (nominated by My Employer & the College) - result I was the 1995 National Winner of a Supervisory Award & was in shock for weeks. I think this was where my life started to turn around, even though it tooks years longer to come to terms with & verbalise that I was abused.

We all have abilities & we are usually the last to recognise them in ourselves.

You fix computers for a living...thats a pretty good achievement in my eyes - I wish I had that skill.

The abuse may make us feel less capable / worthy - maybe like me you sometimes find it easier to hide. In my case, the world didn't let it happen & I am glad.

It is frightening to realise that I have certain abilities & that they get me noticed - I can't hide now...try to enjoy your abilities - not everyone has them (remember I worked with Special Needs).

Best wishes Rik...don't know if this helps?
 
Jason my Friend,

You know that the abuse has that effect, it is not you. I have met you and have a pretty good idea of the kind of person you are and I want you to know that I would have an unconditional trust if I handed you my PC.

That's not just an empty statement either. There is so much personal information on this thing including all the bank account stuff. If I had to give my computer to some guy around here, I would be so worried, I mean, I have no idea as to what is even stored on a computer or if they can pull it out or not. But Jason, I would rather drive to NJ to hire you because I know I could trust you not to poke around where you don't have to, I could trust you to do the job, and I could trust you to be honest and tell me if you could not fix the problem and I would know you would have done the best you could.

I think you know that you know your stuff.
 
Jason, as the guys have already said here, SA can and certainly does affect our ability to progess.

Feelings of unworthiness can really manifest in you, but you have to say this, O.K., I can do the job. You probably say to yourself, hey, I can really be doing so much more for myself.

I am sure of one thing, and that is, when our hard wiring is rewired, we obviously think a different way from our peers. I bet you have so many ideas you wanna put out to the World. Can you do it? I think so.

take care,

ste
 
Jason, I battle the fear that "maybe it's just me" all the time myself, maybe I'm just not good enough, maybe the abuse is a side effect, then I get slapped into reality by my therapist usually, that the reason I feel that way is because of the abuse, the abuse is to blame, not you, you are good enough, you can do it, you just can't let the fear take control, I have left the fear of this rule me, and that just limits our capacity to see the truth. Fear blinds us, pain blinds us, we just have to work hard to not let it totally blind us, the truth is our fears and self-doubt come from the abuse, we are all good enough, we are all better than good enough, we survived.

Peace,
Scott
 
Jason,

often I have felt the same way at my job. There's days when I accomplish good things at my job, and other days when I feel like I don't deserve my check. It's something that is taking a long time to overcome. I've found that as the other layers of this garbage get cleared up, such as self-blame and the sadness, the feelings of inadequacy on the job amount to nothing more than a lack of training, and not anything personal. I work in tek support for a major telecomm company. There's a lot of stuff to know.

I also work on PCs, but more for fun (unless it's my own, then it's a chore!). Last Saturday I reloaded a friend's machine that was throwing errors, replaced a couple of bad pieces of hardware, and cleaned it up good. It was a great machine after we were done, and I was proud of the outcome, like it had my own personal touch. I hope you feel that way too when you fix a pc. My friend and I were real happy.

FT
 
I have the same feelings a lot of the time. But then I look at the things that I have been able to accomplish in my life. The only times I have failed was when I felt that I was not WORTHY of success. This was a constant battle for 40 years!!!

Now that I realize what I was doing to myself, I feel much more confidence. I am still dealing with these issues, but now, with therapy I KNOW I can overcome those feelings of self-doubt.

It is really funny in that most of my employees get sick of my optimism. If they only knew what self loathing and self destruction I have to contend with internally!!!!

Don't really know what I am trying to say other than we all have the same feelings, but that we also have to be reminded at times of what a success we have been in just living day to day with what was done to us.

I guess I just want to say focus on the positive and work to conquer the negatives.
 
Were it no for the self doubt which comes out of my CSA, I honestly believe that I might have accomplished great and wonderful things. That is part of the reason I keep coming to MS. Because there is still time to achieve those things if I can overcome this handicap.

When people see my work I am often asked why I dont start my own business. I am told that I could make a fortune if I would strike out on my own. So why dont I do it? Because I doubt my self. Sometimes I think that I am actually afraid of success. I know that if I do succeed than I will just find a way to screw it all up.

But one thing I am absolutely sure of in my rational moments. These feeling are not natural to me. I am good. I am strong. I intensely creative. My self doubt comes from a damaged place in my psyche, not from any real inability. If we can heal that damage, we can release our natural power. Well, that is what I am hoping anyway.

Aden
 
Thank you for starting this thread. I have struggled with self-doubt my whole life and only very recently I found out that this is another effect of the SA. (of course, i also tend to doubt that and try to convince myself that I am useing the SA as an excuse for being a real failure... ;) ) But now I know better and I am trying to accept those abilities that I know I have but have never put much confidence on. For one, I know I am very artistic but have always taken more admnistrative jobs. I do well on my jobs and get promotions I could never dream of. Everyone around me admires how quickly I progress at work and the opportunities that open up for me. For instance, when I finished university I applied for a trainee position but instead got offered to be the coordinator of the trainee program! More recently, after two years on my new job, I was promoted to replace my own boss, who is twenty years older and has a lot more experience than I do. I take these opportunities as real challenges and I strive to do my best but always have the feeling that I am not doing good enough and that the job deserves someone better than me.

Originally posted by Aden:
Were it no for the self doubt which comes out of my CSA, I honestly believe that I might have accomplished great and wonderful things.

If we can heal that damage, we can release our natural power. Well, that is what I am hoping anyway.

Click to expand...
I also hope that is true, Aden. And I am thinking of making a shift in my carreer and try to put my artistic skills into practice. I don't know how I will do it, but have faith that God will show me the way.

Raphael
 
I've had one career, retired early, and need to find another full time job (long story). I just can't force myself to go for an interview. I know I have skills, and I know I'm an okay person, but I just can't bear the fact that this big nasty man might reject me. I feel like I'm about five years old and am being sent to the principal's office. I don't share this with anyone else because I'm embarrassed and because I know they would think I was just plain silly. So I sit here in fear that a job opportunity will come up and I will have to interview for it. Then, what if I get it? The anxiety about doing the job well will be as bad as the anxiety about the interview. It is so serious that sometimes I just want to run away. Does that sound like a little kid, or what? Can't help it. That's how I feel. I never thought of it being part of SA before, but what you're all saying sure rings a bell with me.
 
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