self-determination and choices
I have spent the past few months challenging what my inner voice is constantly saying. Following the abuse, it was always telling me that I was flawed, that I was abnormal. All my life, that inner voice drove me to do darker and darker things. As a preteen, I decided that if I made sex painful enough, I wouldnt want it. It was a foolish perception, because all I did was gain a taste for the extreme, as I opened up my mind to it. As I tried more and more, I felt sicker and sicker, and I hated myself for it.
What I had to do, I realized, was to challenge what I was saying to myself. Abuse seems to make us see things in the darkest, most negative terms. I see it in many posts here, and it is very clear to me that this is the case. We are condemned to a lifetime of pessimistic existence by things beyond our control. Even after realizing that this is happening, it is very hard to stop.
Starting about a couple of months ago, I have begun constantly challenging the negative things coming into my mind. It takes a great deal of time and energy, but I am hoping there will come a point where it is automatic, and I dont have to focus on doing it so much.
Healing has been a combination of things for me, challenging those false messages was certainly a big part of things. Every person on earth has problems, and if we feel abnormal for struggling with sex or relationships, we are lying to ourselves. It would be unusual to not have any problems with these things. Every relationship worth having struggles as we go along, and we are lying to ourselves when we say we are abnormal for having relationship issues. We are lying to ourselves when we think it doesnt matter, and we can handle the abuse without facing it and dealing with it. I lied to myself when I told myself that I was the sickest man in the world, or when I glossed over the abuse by blocking it out. In the end, only I could decide that those were lies, and challenge them with the higher truth.
Another thing I struggled with was forgiving and accepting myself. I mean I knew I was supposed to, but actually doing it didnt come easy. What finally made it go from trying to doing was this site, and you men. Through your struggles, I learned that I am not abnormal, and that after being abused what I was feeling was very much normal. I also just simply got tired of labeling myself. I reached a point where I just refused to carry the weight of assigning feelings and judgments to every person I met.
See that is what we all do. I told myself, Debbie wouldnt stay with me if she knew about this sick stuff. I assigned her feelings and emotions. Those werent her feelings or emotions; those were what I put in my mind she would feel. It is a huge burden to take responsibility for everyone elses life like that. I fretted and worried until I was depressed and lifeless. I finally came to the point where I refused to do that any more.
I cannot help what others feel or think. I can only answer for myself, and it relieved a whole lot of guilt and shame just to cut it loose. At some point, you have to say f**k them. They can hate me or love me, and there is nothing I can do or say to change that, and I am not going to waste my time trying. Even my own family, if they hate me because I was abused, and because I am depressed and struggling, then they are just going to have to hate me. I cant own their problems and feelings, only my own. If my parents feel guilty for letting me fall into the abuse, then they are going to have to deal with it. Those are their feelings, and they have to be the ones to deal with them. I didnt make them feel it; they chose to feel it. A person cannot own other peoples feelings only their own.
Finally, I had to accept my past for what it was, and let go of the shame I was carrying around. Yes, it is easy to walk through every day beating yourself over your head with what you have done, but it isnt going to change a damn thing. I couldnt not go back, and not do what I had done, but I could change how I looked at it. The past is the past, but I alone determine every step I take from here on. So when I became tired enough, I was finally able to cut it loose. I told myself I couldnt, but you know what, it is really just a matter of making up your mind to do these things. There is no trick to it. If you are waiting for your therapist to give you some magic solution, you will wait forever. You are the one that must let go, and forgive yourself, and it is just as simple as making up your mind you will not allow it to own you any more.
All of this is totally mine to control; I can at last see that. I feel guilty because I want to, or I lust for kinky sex, because I close my eyes and dredge up old memories. I struggled with masturbation, because I allowed myself to think of sex all the time. I told lies to my wife and hid things from her because I chose to do those things. It can all end today, by challenging things and making new choices. When you catch yourself thinking, boy Im so sick, catch yourself and remind yourself that you are not sick, that you are healthy and normal. Refuse to allow that sexual fantasy to take control. When you first catch it, find something else to take your mind off it, or force it out. See all of this really is a choice we make either conscience or out of learned routine and habit, and we can control and challenge those choices.
Its funny. It is so simple that it seems there must be more to it, and yet it is so hard to pull off. I knew what I needed to do for years, but I wasnt doing it. There is no magic that can give you strength or make you do the things to get healthy. It is a matter of determining that I am sick enough of living the way I was, that I will just do what I need to at all cost. You have to get out of bed, and say, today I refuse to let my past own me any longer. Today I will take control back, and I will do it every moment and every step. At first you have to be ready and onguard every second, but as the weeks past, it gets easier. After two months my whole outlook, and that inner voice are beginning to change. You know, the glass is really half full after all.
jeff
What I had to do, I realized, was to challenge what I was saying to myself. Abuse seems to make us see things in the darkest, most negative terms. I see it in many posts here, and it is very clear to me that this is the case. We are condemned to a lifetime of pessimistic existence by things beyond our control. Even after realizing that this is happening, it is very hard to stop.
Starting about a couple of months ago, I have begun constantly challenging the negative things coming into my mind. It takes a great deal of time and energy, but I am hoping there will come a point where it is automatic, and I dont have to focus on doing it so much.
Healing has been a combination of things for me, challenging those false messages was certainly a big part of things. Every person on earth has problems, and if we feel abnormal for struggling with sex or relationships, we are lying to ourselves. It would be unusual to not have any problems with these things. Every relationship worth having struggles as we go along, and we are lying to ourselves when we say we are abnormal for having relationship issues. We are lying to ourselves when we think it doesnt matter, and we can handle the abuse without facing it and dealing with it. I lied to myself when I told myself that I was the sickest man in the world, or when I glossed over the abuse by blocking it out. In the end, only I could decide that those were lies, and challenge them with the higher truth.
Another thing I struggled with was forgiving and accepting myself. I mean I knew I was supposed to, but actually doing it didnt come easy. What finally made it go from trying to doing was this site, and you men. Through your struggles, I learned that I am not abnormal, and that after being abused what I was feeling was very much normal. I also just simply got tired of labeling myself. I reached a point where I just refused to carry the weight of assigning feelings and judgments to every person I met.
See that is what we all do. I told myself, Debbie wouldnt stay with me if she knew about this sick stuff. I assigned her feelings and emotions. Those werent her feelings or emotions; those were what I put in my mind she would feel. It is a huge burden to take responsibility for everyone elses life like that. I fretted and worried until I was depressed and lifeless. I finally came to the point where I refused to do that any more.
I cannot help what others feel or think. I can only answer for myself, and it relieved a whole lot of guilt and shame just to cut it loose. At some point, you have to say f**k them. They can hate me or love me, and there is nothing I can do or say to change that, and I am not going to waste my time trying. Even my own family, if they hate me because I was abused, and because I am depressed and struggling, then they are just going to have to hate me. I cant own their problems and feelings, only my own. If my parents feel guilty for letting me fall into the abuse, then they are going to have to deal with it. Those are their feelings, and they have to be the ones to deal with them. I didnt make them feel it; they chose to feel it. A person cannot own other peoples feelings only their own.
Finally, I had to accept my past for what it was, and let go of the shame I was carrying around. Yes, it is easy to walk through every day beating yourself over your head with what you have done, but it isnt going to change a damn thing. I couldnt not go back, and not do what I had done, but I could change how I looked at it. The past is the past, but I alone determine every step I take from here on. So when I became tired enough, I was finally able to cut it loose. I told myself I couldnt, but you know what, it is really just a matter of making up your mind to do these things. There is no trick to it. If you are waiting for your therapist to give you some magic solution, you will wait forever. You are the one that must let go, and forgive yourself, and it is just as simple as making up your mind you will not allow it to own you any more.
All of this is totally mine to control; I can at last see that. I feel guilty because I want to, or I lust for kinky sex, because I close my eyes and dredge up old memories. I struggled with masturbation, because I allowed myself to think of sex all the time. I told lies to my wife and hid things from her because I chose to do those things. It can all end today, by challenging things and making new choices. When you catch yourself thinking, boy Im so sick, catch yourself and remind yourself that you are not sick, that you are healthy and normal. Refuse to allow that sexual fantasy to take control. When you first catch it, find something else to take your mind off it, or force it out. See all of this really is a choice we make either conscience or out of learned routine and habit, and we can control and challenge those choices.
Its funny. It is so simple that it seems there must be more to it, and yet it is so hard to pull off. I knew what I needed to do for years, but I wasnt doing it. There is no magic that can give you strength or make you do the things to get healthy. It is a matter of determining that I am sick enough of living the way I was, that I will just do what I need to at all cost. You have to get out of bed, and say, today I refuse to let my past own me any longer. Today I will take control back, and I will do it every moment and every step. At first you have to be ready and onguard every second, but as the weeks past, it gets easier. After two months my whole outlook, and that inner voice are beginning to change. You know, the glass is really half full after all.
jeff
so i'll be going now, have a good weekend everyone.