self destructive

self destructive
B

batcountry

Registrant
i think i am self destructive

i cant stop it. i dont have any care for my own health or well being anymore. i do what i feel like no matter how it affects me and i have no willpower anymore. i use everything as an excuse to drink or drink more or have another cigarette or smoke another bowl. and then i hate myself for what im doing, but apparently not enough to bother and stop. i have no motivation, i am depressed. there's nobody here to help me. to get myself to do anything i have to make a bargain with myself where if i do it i get to drink or whatever.

i don't really know what to do anymore, i beat myself up and i hurt myself and who knows why i do anything, i don't know.
 
Well, Bat, you are not alone. I'll tell you that. Even now I can hardly type because I'm rather drunk. (It's only because I've typed for a living and my fingers can take over by themselves that I can do this.) I don't have many answers for you, but I CAN say that YOU are a person deserving the human kindness and understanding that everyone else deserves. I can say that YOU have value on this planet. I can say that YOU have value just being in the same boat as I'm in (even if we don't know where the boat is going and it's a bit leaky). You are worth loving and the guys on this forum love you, and I don't mean that flippantly. I think we care that you are here and we would be lacking in some way if you weren't.

I know about hurting oneself. I do it all the time. I don't know why I do it. It just somehow seems 'right' or 'justified' in my own thinking. I'll just accept that for the time being and believe that it will change in the future because deep, deep, deep down I know that this feeling isn't legit.

Koveri
 
bat,

If I may go out on a limb..

The shame of the past can be so overwhelming that one can feel like they deserve no better in life. It's familiarity is powerful and causes one to self-sabotage. How does the idea of a shame-self destruction connection strike you?
 
i know about hurting one's self. It makes my cry when I think about it, my family members and friends telling me to get it together when I really did not care whether I lived or died.
 
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