Self defeating behavior

Self defeating behavior
A

al

Registrant
Ok what is it with self defeating behavior. I got into a discussion about this with someone last night and the more i think of it, the further i get from an answer. Why would my mind want to focus on all the bad things about me so i couldnt see or didnt even believe there was any good? What good would this do for my mind to work this way? Is it that if i think bad of myself then i never have to work toward a goal and ultimately fail trying to reach it? Doesnt the failure to have the ambition or movitavtion to achieve any goals mean that ive already accepted failure in itself? Or does it mean i dont want to progress because i dont want to chance actually succeeding and having to let go of resentments and deep seated hatred of myself and actually learn to love myself? Does it mean the hatred is to deep to ever be healed? Have i really and truly given up on myself?

I see so many other survivors dealing with the same crap as me, but it seems so many more have passed this point, found the answer, and were able to move on. Can you tell me why we do it and how to stop it? :(

Its all so frustrating. Im so damn tired of the battle. I need answers.

aaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh :mad:
 
Hey Al!

Telling my story I see ;) . I can't speak for your specific case, but in my case it was growing up and never hearing anything good about me. Just how stupid I was. How I disappointed people. How much of a loser I was. So I believe it. And since I'm sure it's right, I'm not going to let something as stupid as reality prove me wrong. I'm gonna fulfill the destiny I was meant for: loser par excellance. At least that's the psychology I see in myself.

Now I'm trying to undo the programming, bit by bit. Because it's like a computer GIGO. Garbage in Garbage out. Now I am trying (oh so slowly) to appreciate that I am intelligent. That I am a winner just for surviving the crap, etc.

Doesn't mean most of my time is not spent still doing the self defeating things, but I am fighting it.

Hope this insanity makes sense to you.

Peace,

Marc
 
Hi Al, your questions show a good deal of insight and wisdom. Be gentle with yourself in seeking the answers. I think we all come to healing or getting happy in different ways.

It is good to have you here.

Bob
 
Al,

I sit here at night trying to write something that will help you. Something that will help you find the answers that you are searching for. I dont know what to say to you. I have looked up to you in some of my darkest moments. I hope that you do take it slow and give your self time. Remember when I was pissed and said I am going to force my self to recall my abuse. I did not sleep for a couple of days and you told me it was not a good idea. Boy where you right, and what did I learn from that.... I need to give my self a break and look inward to find the answers. Just give your self time my brother.

lots of love, Nathan
 
Al,

I ask questions like this, too. I ask myself, I ask my wife, I ask my T, I ask around.
Why would my mind want to focus on all the bad things about me so i couldnt see or didnt even believe there was any good? What good would this do for my mind to work this way?
Click to expand...
The closest I have come to an answer is that at one time, thinking that way kept my behavior in a narrow band of what was "safe." When I thought otherwise and acted on it, I put myself in harm's way.

It's not easy to break the habit, at least it's not easy for me. But you should know that you're not the only one who "sees the guys who make real progress pulling away."

I'm just going to keep doing what I can. One strength I can believe I have is my ability to endure. Maybe I didn't come by it in a healthy way, but I hope I can use it in a healthier way now.

Thanks,

Joe
 
It is a reinforcement theory. If you do something to escape and it works you feel good (at least for a little while). So, when you get to be in a tough spot again, you know that it worked the last time (to some extent) and you do it again, it works (at least for a little while), so it feels good. The concept is that you unknowingly train yourself to repeat the behavior and specifically to rely on it for relief, even if it is temporary. The types of behavior that survivors are drawn to to escape or feel better are quite often obsessive / compulsive behavios that have almost instant gratification and long term consequences. You get a quick high, or temporary escape, usually followed by extended, severe, or both low times. If you want, I can go into greater, more technical detail, but this is the general idea.

Ken, please expand on this one if you have info easily available. I'm tired right now and don't have access to the stuff in my mind. lol
Thanks.
 
Some of this is covered in this article:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm

Ken
 
I think it is something true, that we as human, are most often resistent to change. There are some people who will love it, and look forward to it, and want it all the time, but I think most people are annoyed and upset by it, even if it is change for better. We become use to something, we know something for as it is, and it is hard to accept something else. Even if it is something that keeps us to think badly of ourself, at least that is something we know, and that is comfort to us. I think it is hard to move past that, to try to do something different, because what happens if it does occur that we really ARE that bad, and do not deserve better? That is how my mind thinks it anyway.

Slowly, very slowly, I am beginning to move past that, and beginning to accept that I can change, and I do not have to hurt myself anymore. 'They' had plenty of opportunity and time to do that to me, why should I continue it for them? When I think of it as that, that I do not want to finish their 'dirty work', that I do not want to continue to harm myself 'for' them, then I can normally keep from doing it. But even that, it is not always.

Good luck Al, and please know that you have support here, and you have come further then maybe you believe.

leosha
 
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