Self-compassion

This is becoming a subject of focus with my T. Great at compassion for everyone and everything but myself. She gave me this link yesterday went to it today. I know I need to do this to change but I also sort don’t want to.

anyway thought I would share the link.

 
Thanks for this link SMC. I've been preaching self-compassion for a long time, simply because it hasn't been easy for me to honestly care for myself or treat myself with kindness. It is easy to fault myself, to feel shame over what happened in my life because of the abuse. But we know all of those behaviors are rooted in trauma and are not our fault. So compassion and self-care are in order. This is a very important topic.
 
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KMCINVA

Registrant
SMC1972

Thank you for the link. I learned through therapy I lacked compassion for myself, I was self abusive and let people abuse me through words and actions--which they deny and refuse to accept how it impacts a survivor. I look back and think why and how. The answer is the abuse impacts in ways the mind only knows. Science is advancing faster than many medical professional understanding. I was hospitalized several times and I can tell you many were compassionate and sadly too many were ignorant to trauma.

Love yourself and you will take a major step in healing.

Kevin
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Love yourself and you will take a major step in healing.
I first had to like myself and accept myself...and that was blocked until I started dealing with the guilt and shame I carried like a backpack filled with rocks. Every rock I figured out belonged truly with the Perp and not me made the pack lighter and the lighter the back pack got the easier it became to start liking and accepting myself. Then I could begin thinking I was worthy of self love and self care.

Were any of you able to Even comprehend self care while burdened with the guilt and shame of the past or was other outlier?
 
I just wanted to say thanks for the comments it sort of helps me. I feel I take a lot from here but don’t do much to help others.

The self compassion is a big issue for me and just now starting to realize that. Today I criticized myself even asked God why he took a former coworker of mine today and not me. She was a beautiful great person.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Smc you contribute here much more than you realize. Sometimes it’s starting topics like this, sometimes it is letting us share a bit of our struggles with you in yours, mostly by being here, being active and contributing to the discussions and sharing. Wish you could see the strength you exhibit in most every vulnerable post.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
I first had to like myself and accept myself...and that was blocked until I started dealing with the guilt and shame I carried like a backpack filled with rocks. Every rock I figured out belonged truly with the Perp and not me made the pack lighter and the lighter the back pack got the easier it became to start liking and accepting myself. Then I could begin thinking I was worthy of self love and self care.

Were any of you able to Even comprehend self care while burdened with the guilt and shame of the past or was other outlier?

Manipulated

I could not understand self care while I was burdened with the guilt, shame and living with ongoing triggers. I just wanted to survive, not live or thrive just to survive. I like your analogy about the backpack with rocks. I was weighed down by the guilt, shame and triggers. Today I actually love myself, I am happy and can feel love and work vigilantly not to fall back into the world I struggled to leave for years. I am glad you are doing well.

Kevin
 
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Harry

Registrant
I had to stop reading through that last questionaire. I started leaking from my eyes too much.
I have been so very very hard on myself growing up.
When I let myself feel compassion for myself, I start weeping. I feel like if I let the tears flow, they wouldn't ever stop.
It's super easy to feel compassion for other humans. And I know how dreadfully I deserve compassion from myself.
Ughhh...
Good topic though!
 
Sorry i am back in question my own self-compassion. Why is it so hard for me. I have it for everyone but myself. I feel bad that after this much time here and in therapy i still struggle. I am getting tired of the ups and down. Things have been better though due to an added Med. i dont like needing meds.
 
After a lifetime of struggle that has invariably included being hard on ourselves, generally filled with shame, it isn't easy to engage in self-compassion. Remarkably, the challenge is to be gentle with ourselves EVEN when we struggle..even if the shame returns.. we can, at ANY moment, resume practicing loving kindness toward ourselves. In fact, that is the only response to the ups and downs that makes any sense... or that honestly contributes to healing. So even in the midst of struggle... BE PATIENT with yourself. The key is patience, kindness and compassion. The struggles we encounter have deep roots, so unpacking trauma and finding a healthier response will necessarily take time. This is what all of us are doing... with the support of other men who are engaged with this process. YOU are one of us. Thanks for being here and for sharing your truth.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Self compassion is not selfish.

All of us as humans deserve love. Self compassion is a form of that love. I would say it falls under that umbrella.

for the people that travel here due to life, we need more love and self compassion especially because of what happened to us. Its not easy, medium, or hard. In fact its probably very difficult for the majority.

I suppose I'm speaking boradly & in general. I see truth in those statements though.

I also find that we have a hard time accepting our truth because it changes so much over time. While we are young we have less capacity to understand what happened until we get older. Those years in between are where it seems to go wrong. Anyway... idk I am just thinking out loud.

Self compassion for me will always be easier to give than receive. It is better for me to focus on others than myself. Maybe in the years ahead I will be fortunate enough to change my mind and start that healing process.

but maybe i'll just let go of the anger & rage and replace it with Peace & Serenity.
 
Sorry i am back in question my own self-compassion. Why is it so hard for me. I have it for everyone but myself. I feel bad that after this much time here and in therapy i still struggle. I am getting tired of the ups and down. Things have been better though due to an added Med. i dont like needing meds.
Sorry, I see this topic only now. And it's exactly what I am struggling with too. When something happens, I blame myself. I forgive others, but not myself.
I hope I can start to work on that part of healing when I am done with the court sessions. They tend to warp me back to where I came from.
It's a steep curve, self-compassion. We sure need to be patient with ourselves.
 
I remember an aphorism that came to me years ago when I was sitting with a man who fashioned himself to be a spiritual teacher. Actually, all he had was long hair, a beard and some baggy clothes he bought in India... "when it's easy it's easy, when it's not it's not." He gave me a less than friendly look when I said it. Yeah, it is pretty silly, right? Of course, it is the absolute, fundamental truth of the journey's we're all on. To say we need self-compassion is easy... to actually find it for ourselves isn't easy. We live with a lifetime of shame for all the reasons articulated on this website. We've known horror and we believed it was of our own making. Where do we find self-compassion in the midst of all that? This is our work and blessedly there are men here who have stepped THROUGH that shame to discover the truth. NOTHING that happened before, during or after the trauma we encountered was our fault. Yes, we will struggle with that suggestion with all kinds of arguments... most of which involve the reality that our bodies responded to the attention and we wanted more of it... Surely it was our fault.

And then there was what happened after the trauma ended... the things we did were surely all our fault. We really were... fill in the blank. I knew I was a PERVERT... having sex with men at adult video arcades... stealing lingerie. What a piece of shit! That person has no claim on self-compassion.

We each have our own story that keeps us in the starring role as a piece of shit... Another aphorism I stumbled on years ago was "we identify with our story to find comfort, and dis-identify to find truth." The comfort is simply familiarity. We know that story about being a piece of shit and have told it so many times that it MUST be true... That is the story we're unpacking here and guess what... it is only a small part of the story. I didn't ask my mother to rub my genitals with a piece of silk as I lay in the crib. I didn't ask her to smother me with a pillow. I didn't ask the neighbors to introduce me to their world of pedophilia and I certainly didn't ask to be raped... Yes, it all happened and it all shaped who I became as a boy and a man. Without those experiences I would have been a completely different boy and man. I might have been able to enjoy life, to find and sustain intimacy, have had a family, thrived in my career, had friends and leisure activities that gave me pleasure. Instead, my life was a hell realm... not because I was inherently evil, depraved, a pervert... but because people used me to satisfy their distorted desires. All I've ever done is try to survive... and so I dis-identify from that old story to discover the truth. I deserve self-compassion, self-care... I am worthy of having a life no longer lost in shame, terror, rage and grief. I can have my life... simply by letting go of the story that I am bad. THIS is what we are all doing here... as simple as that.
 
people used me to satisfy their distorted desires. All I've ever done is try to survive... and so I dis-identify from that old story to discover the truth. I deserve self-compassion, self-care... I am worthy of having a life no longer lost in shame, terror, rage and grief. I can have my life... simply by letting go of the story that I am bad. THIS is what we are all doing here... as simple as that.
So well put, Visitor.

People still use me for their distorted desires (of power, money, worship), differently than when I was young. Outcome on my psyche, same.

Letting go of the shame reel playing in a loop in my subconscious is difficult, but possible, I believe. I get fleeting moments in the day relaxed and let go from it all, those times show me how things could be if I continue to work on it.
 
This is why anything we can do in terms of self-care is so important... because in caring for ourselves we really are confirming that we are worthy. I make my bed and wash dishes so I can have a more pleasant home to live in... I hang up clothes for the same reason. I take a few hikes through the week because being in nature feeds me. Small things can make a difference. Brushing my teeth every evening and flossing my teeth a few times each week... I'm not striving for perfection here, but I'm making an effort. Regardless of what is happening around you, you can confirm your worthiness... this is all an antidote to shame... one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself my friend.
 
Sorry, I see this topic only now. And it's exactly what I am struggling with too. When something happens, I blame myself. I forgive others, but not myself.
I wanted to thank you for your massage and for restating this post. I think this is my biggest struggle even more than the sex stuff. I ais m sure they are linked but i stress myself over things in ,my life. Today’s is a prime example. Had a major 9 hour conference call with a bunch of executives. I got on then my boss texted me i did not need to be on till a few hours later. All i thought was i must have messed up something. Someone high up did not want me on. I really has messed with my thoughts, they were all where i did something wrong, maybe going to loose my job. I almost asked my boss this. He knows i am in therapy and i admitted to him in the past this is how my mind works. Goes to me telling him i feel i done deserve to be where i am at in the company.

I dont know why i am like this. Is it cause of my childhood? I dont really regret the stuff that happened which i know is terrible to say. Is this how i was meant to, like this is me no mater what.

How bad it is i asked God to give me cancer make me have something that takes my life. I have asked this since my late teens. This week i have had a headache on one side, ear pain the same side that gets intense at times. What do i tell myself ”way to go you probably got your wish and its something major”. Now my logic mind tells me jusy an ear ache maybe a tooth issue. But the messed up part sees all bad.
 

B06SAJ

Registrant
I remember an aphorism that came to me years ago....

I really appreciate that thread post, Visitor. I can totally identify with everything you and the others are saying about Self-compassion in this thread, for I struggle with it too. You're right (IMuHO): it isn't easy. My experience is that it has come (and is coming) in bits and pieces, just like a jigsaw puzzle. It's not the life that I wanted for myself. I do try to take responsibility for my actions though, even if the driving force behind them isn't my fault. That makes it all the more difficult. I have others in my life around me who love and accept me. Of course, in the strain of this thread I'll concur that that's the most difficult part of recovering - accepting me. I am making progress but have a long way to go. Thank you for your eloquent writing.
 
Self-compassion is not a "get out of jail free" card... it is simply the ground we stand on as we begin finally to take affirmative steps to claim our aliveness. Yes, there absolutely will be amends we wish to make as we build sustainable relationships. We've lived a life burdened by trauma that has invariably left us in the position of needing to defend ourselves and distract ourselves from painful feelings. I call it my "drama/trauma story," and it was filled with sexual acting out I didn't understand. Now I do and now I don't need to do those things any longer.

All we've ever wanted in life is to feel connected with those with whom we share love and to feel safe in the world. Trauma destroyed that possibility, whether it began with our families or happened later in life with others. If we carry the belief the world is unsafe and we could be hurt, we really aren't available for connection/intimacy. That is why my four marriages failed. I longed for connection and found four women who loved me and wanted to build a life together... but ultimately, the terror I carried was so strong I didn't feel safe. And so I pretended to be the good, loving partner but had to run away to distract myself from my feelings. The irony, of course, was that I did't know it was terror and I had no memory of what happened to produce that terror. I was left with only confusion and shame.

If we accept the simple reality that EVERYTHING we've done in life has been an attempt to keep ourselves safe, then nothing we have done is shameful. But we still need to find a healthier way of being with ourselves and with the people in our lives who love us... the ones who've been waiting for us to show up for intimacy. And we will want to make amends for the pain we've caused. That can come in the form of living amends... showing up moment to moment with kindness and care. This is the healing journey we're all on.
 
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